So with that being said, Back to me, I have dallied with drugs, made too many bad decisions to count, and being the "horn dog" that most teenagers are I even experienced meaningless sex (which was great!.... at first.) But I was on a downward spiral and all I was doing was lying to myself that I wouldn’t crash, like I eventually did several times, only the last crash went off like a nuclear bomb.

So with that being said, Back to me, I have dallied with drugs, made too many bad decisions to count, and being the "horn dog" that most teenagers are I even experienced meaningless sex (which was great!.... at first.) But I was on a downward spiral and all I was doing was lying to myself that I wouldn’t crash, like I eventually did several times, only the last crash went off like a nuclear bomb.

I know it probably seems like another teenage drama attempt to grasp wisps of attention, BUT THAT IS NOT WHY I AM WRITING THIS, like I said I wrote this to educate however, it is not just myself, and while most probably won’t learn from this, and some people might learn a little something, I hope that by me writing this I can help at least one person, and that alone is good enough for me.

On to the actual LEARNING part. YAY! And I know some of you have stopped reading by now, but for those of you who are, and more importantly those who are looking to change, here is how I accomplished the seemingly impossible. All my life I have been getting advice from the people around me, whether it be family (whom I usually felt were blowing smoke up my ass), Friends, (who had more of an impression but still not quite important enough), and then there’s the good O'le parents.... UGH. First I will start with them. (try to relate to what I say if you can) For my entire life (17 years so far anyways) I have been hearing my parents b**** and nag and piss and moan about how I was, what I should be, what I was doing wrong, what I should have done, what I could have done, how I could be better, and then there is the one saying that always made me feel like my parents were more like a couple in a nursing home, which went to the tune of “back in my day we BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, NAG, NAG”. Which up until now and even sometimes today feels like they crammed a chimney up my bunghole and blew some serious smoke, right? And while this is very well true to most teenagers, kids, and even some adults, for somebody who has accepted that continuing the path he is on will leave him homeless, disabled or six feet underground these attempts to teach me FINALLY (bout damn time) made some sense. One of the biggest things that would eventually make me want to change was a lesson my dad gave me when I was about 14 or 15, and all it was was him telling me about his past, his mistakes, his habits, leaving the nest at 18, and traveling the world with his long flowing hippie hair (no joke) and his mint condition VW bus, and at the time I couldn’t wait for the lesson to be over so I could go do something meaningless, but it was still something I had never forgotten, and looking back on it I started to realize (VERY slowly at first). Once I got the pieces put together , I had a complete realization that HOLY S*** MY DAD WAS JUST LIKE ME! However, it was still a year or so before my stupid ass finally had the notion that WAIT!, hold on a sec.... since my dad was just like me, and I want to be just like him, if I do what he did then I will be happy, or so I thought because one day I confronted him, and what I thought in my teenager mind was a genius plot to be successful, was just another walk down the road of long lost lives, and every couple miles there was some kind of natural disaster, canyon, or mountain to cross. That’s when he gave me the first piece of advice that started the dusty, ungreased, out of the box gears in my dumb head to start turning. And what did he say? He told me the things he should have done, could have done, would have done, wanted to do, and in so many words his regrets, about the first 13 or 14 years of his "new adulthood" (or at least about 16 or 17 until from what I pieced together was sometime around the day I was born) and other than the fact that this was like being shot in the head with a "thinking" bullet from a barret 50 cal (yes :) that was a COD reference), this turned my "want to change" into more of a "yea I should probably turn the wheel to keep from hitting that bus in an all-out speed race and wrecking not only my life, my health, my future, and who can forget THE S*** TON OF MONEY I PLANNED ON MAKING IN MY FUTURE". However, at the time, combined with my lack of judgment the speed was like a shot of testosterone, and a red hotiron following me a little faster than I thought I could run, what I’m trying to say is in that moment I was free! Or in words that I would understand better I realized the meaning of YOLO! But in actuality the want to be free had driven me so mad that I actually thought I was, so each day, I dipped my foot in to the black hole, and before I knew it, I was an explorer in a very knew unknown place, at first it was my leg, then my waist, then my neck, then as i started to feel like i was freefalling and the only thing that could stop me was the ground that seemed years away, I was saved by an angel Disguised as what seemed like the end of my miniscule teenage world (AKA when my parents smartened up and "got a clue"), but I began to think as I lay in my bed alone at night with my thoughts (because all the fun s*** was taken out of my room, after the ass-beating of a life time, which ALL RESPONSIBLE PARENTS SHOULD UTILIZE) I eventually decided that I would never, ever, EVER! Make the same mistakes again, and that lead me to deciding to do better in school, and treat my little s*** of a brother how I deep, deep, in the darkest abyss of my heart felt like he deserved to be treated. And I’m sure you are just DYING to know (not really) did this (also a little s***) teen get his act together and decide to fly the line to success? HAHA! HELL NO. As soon as my parents loosened the noose around my nuts I, thinking I could use what I did wrong and not do it again still went back to do the same stupid s***. Again. And again. And again. Etc. You catch my drift. And each time my parents got on their noble steed, roped their young bull by the horns, and proceeded to drag him back to the stable where they thought they could penetrate his progressively thickening rock hard, steel plated skull and shoot him up with a hurricane cocktail of common sense, problem solving, decision making, you know, all the stuff that most teenagers in my situation would fight till the death reassuring themselves that oh, I will change, grow up, get smarter, try to learn something, WHEN I AM DAMN GOOD AND READY not realizing that it's not quite so easy, (and by this point I could fool myself better than the dumbest person I know) Therefore steepening the uphill battle called Taming the wild beast, or in layamens terms, teaching your little pride and joy (*cough* not so little shithead *cough*) the lessons and morals he will need to eventually spread his unstable wings, and use his (momentarily) limited life skills, to leave the nest and hopefully keep flight to a happy future, and eventually a fulfilling life just like EVERYBODY wants for themselves right? WRONG, The only thing that my mind was operating on at this very shallow state of being, is what I like to call the process of M.E.R.P.R (not a real word) and what is this you ask? Well it is the long repetitious cycle of the following.

MANIPULATION, LYING, STEALING AND OTHER WAYS TO GET WHAT I WANTED


Every teenager wants something, and many sometimes feel like they are entitled to it, so for me the first step was the process of evaluating the situation, and breaking down the obstacles which required skills that when abused in the family dynamic usually meant knowing what you want, finding a way to get it by means of, lying, KISSING SOME MAJOR ASS, sneaking, teenage trickery, some serious MacGyver style problem solving and in some cases stealing which for me was easy to get away with and occasionally resulted in a don’t give a s*** mentality which combined with the amount of time I spend bored as hell meant that I had now reached the stage of becoming a cocky, smartass, snarky, seemingly GENIUS, and most of all rebellious (yet again not so little shithead) teenager, that like it or not many of us that have the uniform "human nature" bestowed upon us at birth recognize all to clearly. When I think of the term “decision” whether it be good or bad a specific analogy typically comes to mind.... think of a snow covered mountain, the peak representing the beginning, it all starts with that first realization that “bad decisions” (lying, manipulating, etc) are just tool in your belt of getting what you want. But when abused it starts that one seemingly miniscule unimportant snowball to roll, now how fast this snowball rolls and how big it gets depends on several factors, how much snow there is (how good you are at manipulating, and how comfortable you get utilizing it) and how many skiers this growing snowball of death picks up and rolls away with (or the number of people that your decisions can eventually effect) so when that snowball finally reaches the bottom of the mountain in a big puff of snow and your ball stops rolling, just think.... how many skiers left at the bottom of your mountain ended up being affected by your "snowball"? Who knows right? But what I failed to realize was that like it or not our legacy lives as long as there are people to remember it. And many of these people are going to be standing at my funeral remembering my life and not only how I interacted with them but what they heard about me and even how I dressed, now sure there’s lots of fond memories and prayers and tears just especially to remember me, but what about the distant people, or even close family that in their head are going there goes the one that we loved, cared for, tried to help, and will love forever, but no matter what sooner or later they will always associate me with that one bad thing I did , or that one lie that I told. Then there’s always AT LEAST one person that whether or not I know it my "snowball" GREATLY affected, or even changed. Huh, even now as I lay in thought writing this with a miniscule 17 years under my belt, I look back with great sadness and think how could I do that!? To family? Friends? Why didn’t I just do that a little different? And to think, that is only the people I remember. And there will always be that greased monkey that can get away with almost everything, BUT the hazards of achieving those shallow selfish goals by getting I want, doing what I want, saying what I want, will always be there, and are not just limited to the people I can affect, but also include the consequences, the work to gain back trust, all that effort spent in that period of time that I felt was all about me, when by now I could have ten if I had just thought it through and taken maybe not necessarily the easier path but a path that everybody could be happy with and not just me? Though the decisions I made were selfish, I honestly couldn't think about them or even utilize the skills to acknowledge that they were, I mean I LITERALLY was not able to think things through, now whether it was because of my ADHD, the familly stress, the pressure from friends, or even a subconsious malfunction that had turned me into a rebellious teenage zombie of sorts, but the KEYWORD to that sentence is the word I so it was still my fault right? Unfortunately, yes, but maybe instead of flying off the handle and labeling me an unruly brat that belongs somewhere else to learn a lesson, why didn’t somebody try to be in my shoes just for shits and grins, or dust off their long lost teenage comprehension and at least attempt to see what i did, why i did it, where i went wrong and help me learn from myself instead of trying to cram it down my throat? Seems to me it would be a lot easier, and yea it would have been, but then again why not just practice at teaching myself, instead of waiting to be spoon fed life lessons like a baby? And the choice seems obvious right?

But at the end of the day whether right or wrong , horribly selfish decisions still got made and there is no changing that, and people still know I did it, and I still carry that judgment on my shoulders, but it took me a long time to realize this. By the end of eighth grade my snowball was MASSIVE and before I knew it it was opening day on the slopes. Over the next few years whether it was telling lies to cover my ass, snagging 5 bucks, being what felt like a mad genius and transferring money from my savings by using my phone, even eating that just AMAZING late night carton of ice cream that wasn’t mine and lying about it , as as my manipulation progressed and my decisions got worse the risks got higher. For example as ashamed as I am to admit this I ended up stealing what I thought at the time in my stupid, impulsive, stupid teen brain was an unnoticeable amount of money that over time turned out to be roughly.... *cough*340$*cough* And I know what you’re thinking, seriously how stupid can he be or I would never do that or that kids poor parents or my child could never do that to me but I was so caught up in doing what I wanted to I actually managed to manipulate myself into completely ignoring logical thinking and eventually I accepted that it would somehow just vanish from my seemingly wealthy in home ATM's uh, I mean parents mind. But little did anybody know that I had slipped so far under that I had lost all ability to think clearly. What most people fail to realize is that this happens to the BEST of people and just like that the angel that used to mow your yard from down the street, or that shy sweet little girl that goes to your church who whether by decision or fate just so happened to make a wrong turn while driving down a very complex 80 year highway, I was stuck. I mean sure it is still my fault completely, but how can anybody judge anybody without first realizing that that one single wrong turn could have been them? All it would have taken was for things to happen even slightly different and they would have found themselves in a similar place. But none the less unfortunately for me I had not yet gained the ability to take responsibility for my actions and like a domino in a line step 2 of this unfortunate cycle begins.

CELEBRATION

Now, I will be the first to admit that the crafty skills I used to get what I wanted would make any responsible and upstanding adult or non-teen person put themselves to shame. However I was a soldier in the war of getting what I wanted and I had just WON THE BATTLE HELL YEA! Whether or not the battle was as difficult as walking through a puddle or killing Osama Binladen with war always comes reaction and often times consequence so how on earth did I think I could win the overall war? For me it started off very cautiously so as to not set off any red flags, but after time the carefulness and caution degraded into comfort and carelessness. But everybody is different, some treat it with respect because they broke the rules and they only do it when they feel is important, some just hide the spoils they had bestowed upon themselves until the coast clear to enjoy in the illusion of safety so they take less risk of getting caught, and others just feel so entitled that they just plain don’t care. But no matter what, when I felt it was safe it meant it was TIME TO PARTY HELL YEA! But it was usually just going to the movies, or doing the usual dumb s*** that nobody can deny doing and even included going to a friend’s house and savoring that wonderfully delicate privilege that most of us recognize as a clam bake, sorry grandma :(, and I mean come on I was living the life! I had money, I had lots of (so called) "friends" and although irrelevant to the topic, come on let’s be honest there are some easy girls in high school and they know who they are but this now meant that I in my mind could be a PLAYA! But it was all thanks to Manipulation. And where that leaves off the next step usually starts.

REGRET
From our terrible 2 days of stealing cookies, to our tantrums of age 6, 7 and 8, we always sooner or later felt regret, at first I always felt horrible about what I did and made sure to be extra nice to my parents (kind of) and sometimes had the occasional brain malfunction that lead to doing chores on my own, but remember that big dark hole I mentioned earlier? Well yea it now had a name, Addiction, and it had grown teeth and a mouth, and it had a hunger, a hunger that more and more each day put me closer and closer to the stomach of the beast, and after a while unbeknownst to me, my regret, my concern, my common sense, and my morals began to disappear just to keep feeding the monster that had swallowed me. But almost always about the time that I was just about to go head deep below the surface, something was always there to kick my ass pull me out and try to put me on the straight and narrow but I always found myself starting this step from scratch and ending up in the same smelly pit. Stupid me. And as the cycle continues the next step ensues.

PLOTTING
Unfortunately for many people of the teenage "species" this next step happens more often than both we will ever admit, and way more than you silly adults will ever know (I would like to remind you that I am 17 and it is our job to give you wardens, ahem I mean "parents" your daily regulated amount of pain in the ass) so parents, as irrelevant to the topic as it is head my warning. Punishment can teach, Over punishment can like it or not make us want to do it more, now it is your jobs as parents to work your ass off and find this unclear and finicky line (and speaking from personal experience a little "pow wow" to make us feel cared about, and understood always helps ;) and you may come to realize that we plot less and less therefore lessening the risk of bad behavior and in return you will (at least in most situations) suddenly have strange magical powers that induce respect and honesty, which by the way is complete bullshit but hey give it a try you might just find things get just that much better.

Like I was saying before, I was always getting some kind of lesson from somebody, and all along people had been spoon feeding me the solution to true happiness and satisfaction and i'm sure some people are probably thinking oh god here goes another hippie ass tranquility rant, Just hear me out. Now if you really want to learn something, just stop and think for a second.

The hardest part is always acceptance of responsibility and for me that meant realizing that talk is still cheap and bullshit is still only s*** even when you give it to yourself, and like It or not if you want something to change YOU have to change for the better, don’t wait on somebody else, thinking that eventually something will happen because whether or not you accept it, when nothing does change it will still be YOUR fault and instead of being in a better place you very well could be stuck face down in the muck pit of a life that easily could have been avoided.

Turn mistakes into wisdom, not just yours but learn from others mistakes and use them to your advantage.

Accept and respect the fact that you are your own person and you can do what you want to, to the extent that your surroundings allow you.

Recognize that through ought your entire life, even things that you were always convinced would have just happened anyways, really happen because of you.

Never forget that no matter who is in your life, it is in your own hands.

Eventually I found out that all it takes is a little hard work, a little more focusing on potential and a little less thought about myself and my immediate surroundings to open to an infinite encyclopedia of life lessons and knowledge that has always, and will forever be an important tool.

The final step for me was accepting that it really was my fault, my mistakes, my decisions, eventually created the monster that I used to blame for most of my problems, lost relationships, lost friendships, and even the few good things that happened.

Nowadays when I find myself stuck spending another holiday with the people that even though I love, just seem like a bunch of old fuddy duddys who are always trying to point out my mistakes, or when I find myself in a place where it feels like every old person is hating on my fresh kicks new clothes and overall “Swag” I cant help but think of how many lessons they’ve learned, all the risks they took that bloomed success, and things that didn’t turn out the way they thought.
And so with my new found scheme to eventually be successful and GET WHAT I WANT it just so happens that I wont affect anybody negatively other than the haters that will burn with jealousy when they see me walking.

Only now do I feel like the thriving life and future that I had always dreamed of might be within my grasp.