The next period when I was sitting in workroom waiting for the lunch bell to ring Stephanie came up to me, "So you and Julia really hit it off today huh?"
I realized the importance of this situation, one wrong word here could cause a lot of trouble "What do you mean?" I figured it was safer to just play dumb until I found out more about why she was asking.
That apparently caught her off guard, because she sort of stammered out "Well, umm…in biology she chose to work with you instead of with me and Jenna…"
Now her motives were clear to me, she was asking for selfish reasons, not because Julia had asked her to ask. Now I knew how to respond, "I don’t know… I just thought me and Julia were good friends… and I enjoy her company." The last sentence was said as a way of covering myself if word of this somehow got back to Julia, but it also ensured that Stephanie would feel jealous and would be less likely to mention anything of our encounter to other people.
It had the desired effect by causing her to make an excuse and walk away, Well that was a strange encounter. I was confused by the randomness of her comment, but slightly satisfied that I had planted in her head a seed of me and Julia, it would grow until others could see it through her eyes; and in extension see it in me and Julia. Overall I considered it a success.
The lunch bell rang and I jumped to my feet hoping to be able to catch up with my friend Nick in the hallway, it worked, "Dude, your no going to believe this. In biology today we were doing a group activity and Julia chose to work with me instead of one of her friends."
Nick understood my infatuation and supported me, despite my doubts about her sharing the feeling. "Yeah, that’s great man! So are you going to ask her out yet?" His response was typical whenever I told him good news about Julia.
"Hardly, but I'm getting closer." I wasn’t at all offended by his reaction, if I ever do something reluctant that I don’t really want to, it would be because he pushes me to do it. "There is more though, then Stephanie asked me about it just a second ago."
"Really? What did she say?"
I was glad to see this piece of news surprised him a little bit, "She said 'So you and Julia really hit it off today huh?' I didn’t know what to say so I just played dumb, she explained 'Julia blew me and Jenna off so she could work with you….' At this point I just said that I thought me and Julia were pretty good friends, at the end I tossed in there that I enjoyed her company."
He held eye contact the whole time I was explaining this. Then  he said "Wow, sounds like you really made an impression on her…" I could see he was really thinking hard about it, "why did she ask though? What was her motive? What was in it for her?"
I respected his opinion and so asked my self the same question, "I don't know man…maybe she was just curios…?" I could see where he was going with this and realized there may be some merit to his thought.
"No, she wasn’t just curious, stop beating around the bush. She has a bit of a thing for you and was checking if you were available. In biology she tried to take Julia away from you because she was jealous." Even though I suspected it, I was still shocked when he put voice too my suspicion.
"Really dude? Come on, I am only half willing to believe Julia may be interested in me, because you keep repeating it. I doubt another girl would take interest in me… I'm not exactly boyfriend material." I knew he would disagree but that wouldn’t change the self loathe I felt.
"Come on man stop saying stuff like that, sure your hardly taller then five foot, and have less muscle then a skeleton. But, you have class!" we both smiled at his little jibe, since I was the biggest freshman in the school standing at 6' 5".
He said, "We should probably get to lunch… I'm hungry!" I laughed at the abruptness of his statement, but agreed that we should go and eat lunch.

I did my usual routine while eating, I ate then got up to wash my hands in the bathroom and get some water. As I was walking out of the cafeteria I noticed someone followed me, I had my suspicions as to who it was, but was too scared to look. I slowed my pace in case my unknown follower wanted to have a conversation with me.
Suddenly behind me I heard, "Ditching class again?"
I turned around to behold Julia, I laughed and said, "Aren't we both?"
I decided this was a good reason to wait for her so we could walk together, "So why are you ditching class?" I asked her.
"Oh because I wanted to follow some tall kid to see where he was sneaking off to." She said clearly referring to me.
"Oh? And where was he going?" I was amused by this little game we were playing.
"I don’t know yet, I have to wait for him to reach his destination."
"Well let me know when you find out."
"Okay… So where are you going?"
"Bathroom, you?"
"Same. Hey Drew?"
"Yeah?"
"I just found out where that tall kid is going."
"Oh? Do share."
"He is going to the bathroom of course!" we both laughed at that, neither of us was capable of keeping our little skit going at that point.
As fate would have it we reached the bathroom at that point so we went into our respective bathrooms, I tried to go quickly so that she didn’t beat me out and leave me, then I would be all alone while I walked the suddenly lonely hallway…
My plan worked and I walked out right when I heard the toilet flush in the girls bathroom. So I decided to drink water until she came out, even though I doubted I could stomach any water right now it was the perfect way to stall.
She walked out after about a minute or so, when I saw her walk out I realized she didn’t immediately walk away "she is waiting for me, how sweet!"  unfortunately my excitement was short lived, for when I started walking down the hallway I realized that she didn’t accompany me as I had hoped. I glanced over my shoulder to see she was also getting water. I realized it would seem strange of me to wait for her so I started walking down the hallway again, though slowly this time allowing her to catch up if she so desired.
I was deep in thought about all that had just transpired when a piece of the wall suddenly appeared in front of me. I almost walked right into but stopped not a second to soon. What I had taken to be a part of the wall was only a door to the janitors closet opening.
I heard someone laugh behind me and knew immediately who it was. "That scared the living begeabas out of me! I was walking totally zoned out, and then suddenly a piece of the wall was in front of me!" she laughed at my exaggeration, but I decided this was another good reason to allow her to catch up and we walked back to the cafeteria together.
When we reached the lunch room I made an exaggerated motion of opening the door and motioning for her to go in. in my most phony gentleman voice I said, "Please ma'am, ladies first."
She did a fake curtsy and said, "Thank you sir!" we both were laughing when we walked into the cafeteria, we went to our respective tables and sat down, I was sitting next to Nick and he was bold enough to inquire, "What was that all about?"
I tried to play dumb not wanting to talk about it in front of everyone who was at the table, "What was what?"
"Drew your smiling like the towns idiot, now what happened?" I could tell I had to explain something.
So I motioned for him to follow me to the end of the table where no one was sitting, a couple of the guys got up to follow but with a look from me they sat back down.
"So, what happened?!" he sounded a little bit impatient, but it was mostly anticipation of a good story that he could say, 'I was right you were wrong.' And I knew no matter how hard I tried he would be right.
So I told him what had transpired on my brief bathroom trip, he felt the need to confess how much of a blind imbecile I am, and how he was right and I was wrong.
"So… when are you going to ask her out?" he didn’t expect an honest answer, but it would be a sin for him to ignore his duties.
"I was thinking today after eighth period." I said It with such conviction that his mouth was open in the shape of an O for a few seconds, "Close your mouth people are watching."
He immediately shut his mouth with an audible "clap!"
"Are you serious?" he said in a very disbelieving voice.
"Yeah I see no reason not to…. It may take more guts then I have to spare, but I don’t think I have had an opportunity this good in forever, and who knows when it will happen again."
"Finally man, its about time, let me know what she says."
"You know I will."

That day during seventh and eighth period I was ready to throw up with all of the nerves going through my body. There was a battle raging behind my face that I couldn’t control, for once in my life the outcome of this battle was completely out of my hands. But I realized that I had to focus on nothing but what I was about to do.
Eighth period went by far to fast, but it felt like an eternity. I had the plan in my mind, I was going to find her by her locker, walk up ask her out give her my number, which I wrote down last period, and leave. Simple, right? As I was looking for her at her locker the fire alarm went off, "Really?! Of all times now?!"
I continued to look for her realizing that I was determined to ask her out, and I may never be this courageous again, but to no avail, for she was short and blended in with the crowd easily.
More frustrated then I had been in a very long time I got on my bus and went home, fuming over it the whole way.
When I got home I saw that I had a text from Nick, "So?" I knew what he meant by that but was reluctant to talk about it.
So I just decided to try and get it over with, I responded with, "I need to wait until tomorrow…the fire drill screwed me up."
"Yeah I figured it would, well let me know what she says."
"Of course I will."
I went to bed that night angrier then normal.

I was tormented in my sleep with dreams of all the possible, and impossible, ways Julia will reject me. I only managed to get about four hours of sleep. I knew that I had to ask Julia out today, and also knew that it would be the hardest thing of my life.
That day in school I decided not to go to biology and instead went to see my social worker for the period, I didn’t want to have to face Julia before I asked her out. But in lunch things got interesting, I did my usual, where I ate my lunch then got up to go to the bathroom, I hoped Julia had followed me, but when I got half way down the hall and realized that no one had left the cafeteria yet, I lost hope. I quickly walked the rest of the way to the bathroom, I washed my hands and dried them in the hand drier. I took my time not wanting to have to face the world, but after a minute or so I realized I should get back to the cafeteria.
When I went to walk out of the bathroom I noticed someone was walking out of the girls bathroom as well, "No way."  I thought in anticipation to see who was walking out, my hope and my fear were both fulfilled in that moment, for it was Julia.
We both laughed immediately, despite my nerves I had to admit that this was a pretty big coincidence. "We have to stop meeting like this!" Despite my stomach caving in on itself, I had to say something to listen to her laugh a little bit longer.
She beat me to the water fountain and took her drink, then I took mine, she was nice enough to wait for me to finish before we walked back down the hallway. Nothing much was said I wasn't even capable of hardly looking at her, since the whole time a battle was raging inside me, "Ask her out! This is the perfect opportunity!" "No! I agreed to do it at the end of the day!" "What if you cant find her though?" I couldn’t answer the final question my conscience  gave me.
We arrived at the doors to the cafeteria way to soon for my liking, without even thinking I opened the door and walked in before her, halfway through I realized my mistake but thought it was to late to fix it. Without any extra chit chat we went to our separate tables.
I motioned to Nick to move to the end of the table again, I told him what happened, "No way that was a coincidence man."
I knew he was right but was still reluctant to admit it due to the implications that were caused by it. "I know man…I noticed that I didn’t hear a toilet flush or here a hand drier in the girls bathroom… But why would it matter? Maybe she just wanted to talk…"
"Why are you ignoring facts that can make you a very happy man?"

"Because this is freaking scary!"  I didn’t say that even though I wanted to. "I don’t know man… I will ask her out today no matter what though."

"That’s the attitude I like to hear!"

The rest of the day was much worst then yesterday, my impending doom made it impossible to focus on my work and I found myself forgetting the teachers instructions. When the eighth period bell rang I almost sprinted from the class room, I didn’t want to miss my opportunity this time.
When I got by her locker I noticed she wasn’t there yet, so I walked around waiting for her to show up. The next time I checked she was there.
I walked right up to her even though every fiber of my being was screaming "NO!" finally I was standing in front of her. "Hey Julia," I said much more confidently then I felt, "how's your day going?"
"Pretty good, Pretty good, how's yours going?" I was glad she finished our usual pleasantries since it gave me a chance to organize my thoughts.
"Pretty good…" I felt like I was about to either throw up or black out. As my vision began to blur I said, "I feel like we are pretty good friends," she nodded as confirmation to continue knowing where I was going. I felt myself begin to fall asleep, but couldn’t stop now, so I just turned on auto pilot and let events do what they wanted, with renewed confidence I powered through the biggest sentence of my life, "I was wondering if you wanted to go see a movie sometime."
There, I did it, as I struggled to maintain consciousness I saw her smile and say "Yes."
The best word in the dictionary just fell out of her mouth at the perfect moment, it really is surprising that that word doesn’t have its own pedestal in the Hall of Amazingness.
I was so surprised by her immediate answer that the only sound I was capable of making was a stuttered, "Are you sure?"
She nodded and smiled, "Definitely."
I was unaware of the facial expression I made, but I think it would be similar to someone who was about to die of happiness, "Oh! Well then umm… Here is my number, text me later."
I handed her the sheet from my hand, which at this point was so sweaty I feared the paper may disintegrate if the wind blew to suddenly. Not being able to handle this ecstasy anymore I walked away.
While I was walking away I realized Derrick was standing right behind her, he made a gesture meant to intimidate me, but how could anyone intimidate me? After all I was now dating Julia! And who would be able to rob me of that happiness other then the one who gave it to me?
I realized as I was walking away that I had to tell someone. I saw my friend Demante, I walked right up to him grabbed him by the arm, got really close to him and whispered in his ear, "I have a girlfriend!" before he even had a chance to see me I walked away.
I got on my bus to go home in pure bliss, I was the happiest human being ever to live.

I immediately got my phone to wait for her text message, but it never came. Finally around 7:30 I texted Stephanie and told her what had happened, I asked what I should do about her not texting me yet, she said that Julia had choir until 9:00 that night. So I went into a reluctant slumber that didn’t even last an hour and a half.
I was worried about school for the day tomorrow, "How should I be?" I wondered, "Should I act any differently?" after many hours of debating my conundrum, I decided that I should just follow her lead.
So with my nerves being every bit as unsure of themselves as the previous day, I went to school. When I saw Julia I started our usual pleasantry, "Hey Julia, how's your day going?'
She responded with, "Good."
I didn’t know where to go from there, I was surprised when she didn’t respond in her usual way, and extremely disappointed. Doubts immediately started to cloud my mind and made me physically incapable of having a conversation. The period was spent in silence.
During lunch I went to the bathroom hoping she would follow me, but again she didn’t do as I had expected. More doubts rushed into my mind, and I was very amenable to believe them. By the time I made it back into the lunch room I was on the verge of tears and my face was grey, all from the distress and fear of my predicament.
I saw Nick and made a motion for him to move to the end of the table where we could talk without being overheard. I told him everything that had happened, he patiently listened to all of my fears, and then said, "I think you are overreacting Drew. She may be as uncomfortable as you with the current situation, and doesn’t want to come on to strong. Just give it a few days and see if she texts you, if not then we may have reason to worry. Remember every relationship starts out awkward.
I was heartened by his confidence, but only slightly.

The next few days went by with very little activity, I still tried unsuccessfully to communicate with Julia, and my growing anxiety began to move past my mind and into my body.
Finally I decided to take matters into my own hands, with Nicks approval I went onto Facebook, and was lucky enough to find her online. I sent her a message that asked her if she wanted to go to the movies that weekend. She said that she would have to wait and see what she was doing.
I just said okay but also asked for her number so we could communicate in a more direct way. She agreed and next thing I know I'm entering her number into my phone.
I felt as if the conversation had gone horribly, she still seemed reluctant to agree, but couldn’t refuse without seeming rude.
Several days later she made an excuse about not being able to go to the movies. Right then I decided that something had to be done, I couldn’t begin to understand why things had gone so poorly in such a short amount of time, but I wanted to know why, and as I would learn, life doesn’t always have answers to questions you have.

That weekend I was talking to Nick about what had happened and what my fears were like always he patiently listened to everything I had to say, but to my surprise didn’t give his usual reassurance, all he said was "Okay."
I didn’t know how to respond to that, it caught me off guard. I pushed him to explain this mess to me, "I really don’t know Drew…. There is any number of possibilities as to why she would of done this I'm sure, but I never saw this coming."
I was disappointed by his answer, "I asked Stephanie why--"
"Don’t do that."
I was surprised by his interruption, but still wanted him to explain, "Why? She is as close to Julia as anyone else, she could probably tell me why Julia did what she did."
"Drew use your head for a second and think about what you know. So Julia is coming on to you for a few months, you ask her out and she very eagerly says yes. The next day she is trying to distance herself from you." I nodded as he explained what I already knew, "So the next question is what happened between those two days? We know that Stephanie drove her home from school that day, and that she told Stephanie you asked her out.
"We also know that Stephanie said that Julia had choir until 9:00 that night, which was a lie, Stephanie is way to involved in this story to not have some sort of effect in the result." As he finished his theory it started to sink in just how involved Stephanie made herself, and I just got her even more involved by talking to her about it.
I wanted to redeem myself a little bit by finding a loop hole in his theory, "But what motive does she have? What is there to gain?"
He just gave me a look that said, stop wasting our time, "Stephanie may be interested in you and is jealous of Julia."
I decided to prove my brilliance and extensive vocabulary to him by saying: "Oh." Despite him clearly believing this, I still had my doubts that another girl would be interested in me.
"So what should I do?" I decided that it was time to get to the heart of the problem.
"Depends," I eagerly waited with my ears open, "You can wait it out and see if Stephanie backs off and allows her friend to be happy." As soon as he said it I knew that I wouldn’t be able to wait with this awkwardness between us.
"Sorry I cant do that man, I care about Julia too much to risk our friendship on the hope that Stephanie might back off."
"Well then the other obvious option is to break it off with Julia and pretend that it never happened. It sounds blunt, but you can try and ensure your friendship that way… but that is all I've got, sorry man. I know this is a pretty ugly outcome." He slowly said the last bit as if he wasn’t sure of himself.
"Yeah man I feel ya…. This sucks dude, how do you think I should do it?" at this point I was feeling really desperate.
"Personally I would still give it at least another week in case we're  wrong, then no one can blame you for being impatient." I was glad to have him giving me advice again.
"Alright, how should I act between now and then?" I was trying to get as much advice out of him as I could.
"Just follow her lead man, always a good way to act when you're in doubt."
"But if I did that then we would both be ignoring each other." He laughed and so did I, despite the bile I tasted leaking into my mouth at the direction the conversation had gone.
"Good point man, just act the way you guys used to act, if your lucky you can just return to the way you used to without an awkward conversation."
I agreed since it seemed like the easiest way out.

Unfortunately the next week went by with no improvement at all, if anything things got worst since I lost my confidence. I spent many hours talking to Nick about what I should do. He insisted I stick to the original plan of waiting the week out.
Finally came Friday, I knew things wouldn’t improve between us that day so I just prepared myself for the inevitable. When the end of the day came I was feeling much more nervous then I had felt the day I asked her out, I didn’t know It was possible but it just proves that the impossible can be done.
I started walking towards her locker and started to feel the all too familiar feeling of being both ready to pass out and vomiting at the same time. I reached her locker all to soon, "Hey Julia how's your day going?" as my vision began to blur I realized she didn’t respond.
Unfortunately I didn’t have an auto pilot button today so I was forced to weather the storm with a broken propeller, I felt my throat tighten itself even more and started to feel like I wasn’t getting enough air.
When she didn’t respond the headwind got twice as strong and I felt it begin to pull at my second propeller. But I had already decided to do this and it would be harder to walk away then it would be to utter a couple of words, right? "I thought you might say that." Despite my anxiety I couldn’t help but let some of my frustration show.
"Listen I don’t know what happened between us, but I valued our friendship way to much to lose it over something as stupid as this. Put simply I care about you to much and can't stand to ruin our friendship, I hope we can go back to the way we were."
I stopped supporting the weight in my chest and just let it fall in defeat as I realized she never even looked away from her locker the whole time I was talking to her, to me the message was clear. No.
It hurt me more then I thought I could ever be hurt, knowing that my apology wasn’t accepted and may never be accepted… what was the point of this world when all that was promised was rejection? it happens to everyone and most people more then once. it is worst then any pain you can be put through.
The name for this type of rejection is The Obliterator, because when you are faced with this feeling all that matters is avoiding the pain, trying to hide from it, nothing else in your life matters at all, but that one goal.
But of course you cant hide from The Obliterator it destroys who you are as a person, and forces you to look straight into his eyes until you want to crawl into yourself, but even then he wont let you look away, the only time you can look away from him is when he becomes so old that his hands become sore from holding you for so long, then if you are slippery enough you will escape from his captivity.
But no matter how old and week The Obliterator grows, he will never allow you to escape him permanently, he will always find you when you are at your weakest, and you will be trapped within his hands once again.
And the process will continue to repeat itself until the day you die, so I ask again, what does this world have to offer?

When I got home I explained to Nick what had happened, "I'm feeling my depression start to come back man, I don’t really know where else to go from here."
"Bro don’t ever start thinking that way, because as soon as you begin thinking that way you will never stop. Self pity is not the medicine you need right now." His ever present confidence has seemed to have disappeared. "Just remember this Bro, you still listening? Just remember this, depression is nothing but a wound, a wound of the soul, but a wound none the less. And if you want to allow it to control your life go right ahead, or you can fight it! Take control of it and do not let it kill you!
"Imagine if you are in a car and you crash and break your arm, now imagine the car lit on fire, right? Now you have two options, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself and burn to death, or you can get up kick the window out and dive out of the car as it explodes behind you. This is no different." As he finished his motivational speech I had the irresistible urge to laugh, "What?"
"Why cant I just open the door instead of kicking the window out?" we both laughed at that, and it made me realize, even when The Obliterator has you in his clutches you can rebel against him, and do little acts that show you still have your own free will, it will make him strive to contain all of you and prevent your little acts of rebellion. But no matter how tightly bound you are, you will always have some wiggle room, and with wiggle room you can make moving room, and from that you can get enough room to walk away, he will catch you but he will grow tired of chasing you and will eventually grow to weak to fight you. And that is when you attack! When he has spread himself too thin and exposed his insides! That is when you escape from him, instead of having to hide from him, you leave him wounded and make him be afraid to try and grab you again afraid of what you might do to him next time!
But the biggest warning that can be given is, don’t allow yourself to ever forget about The Obliterator, for as soon as you do that he will strike at you, never become too boastful and think of yourself as being invincible, all it takes is one poorly thought out action by a loved one and you will be his again.
And so the cycle will repeat itself forevermore on this destructive battlefield called the heart. Perhaps one day I will be fortunate enough to find the girl that I can rely on, but if I should learn from my past, then I wont allow my heart to fall on her merely because of a little bit of infatuation. No, I will tread softly and look for another that treads just as soft and will understand the difficulties that come with my life, just like I will have to understand the difficulties that come with her life. Maybe then I will see what life has to offer other then rejection.