Closure
It was a Sunday morning, the sun was shining at it’s brightest. Birds were singing and trees were dancing to the sound of birds. “Today is a good day” I thought to myself, or so I thought it would be. Gaby and I went to the kitchen to eat some breakfast. Gaby was small, brown hair that let out some gold when she stood in direct sunlight. The smell of cinnamon rolls penetrated the whole room. We sat down and grabbed our cinnamon rolls. They tasted as good as they smelled. December 9, today was the day that my confirmation godparents came to gave me presents. It wasn't official or anything, but they always came this day. They’ve been doing it for the past 5 years, since December 9, 2007.  I not much for presents, I am the type of person who appreciates Christmas for it’s real meaning. So it is always nice to have them visit. I had written a card for them. Nothing extraordinary really,  more like a thank you card, thankyou for the gift, thankyou for being my godparents and all those typical things people write that is not necessarily true, but they fill the card up. Anyway, I finished my breakfast and went upstairs. The sun had gone away, you looked outside and it was unclear as a distant memory, those memories you have from where you were little, those small glimpses you get when you see old photos. I started to feel a little blue, I looked outside and the birds were no longer singing, and the trees were no longer whispering. I felt weird inside, I wanted to shake it away.
I told my brother and my cousin to go play soccer, they both agreed. It was colder than before when we got outside, the wind was as cold as snow. We played for a while, suddenly, my mother ran and yelled “I’ll be back in a little while, take care of your brother.”
My mother was tall, light skinned with red hair, she was a very happy person, so it was a little weird that she was that anxious. Truthfully, I did not worry, even though she was pale as snow white, her emotion did not frighten me in any sort of way. My cousin and brother did look startled for some reason, I told them there was nothing to worry about, that we should continue playing.
After a while, we went upstairs and started watching tv. My mom got home. She came into the upstairs living room. She had a strange face, one I had never seen before. Her eyes were scratchy, red and bloated. Her face was pale, she looked dead. Her skin looked like it had been decaying for over 2 days. She came up to me and with a soft and almost weak voice “Vale, your godfather just died.” I just felt bad, as she hugged me I only thought how sorry I was for his family. I didn't feel happy nor sad. I was just there. I did not cry, I did not show any emotions. “How does Tato feel?” that was all that I thought “does Tato even know?” those doubts swirled through my mind. I just watched the tv, I did not focus on the pictures. I felt non-existing, I felt as if everyone else could move and I was frozen. Hours flew from my grip, I couldn’t quite capture that feeling that was inside of me. My thoughts were cold and dark. “How could this happen” I thought to myself. I got on facebook, and saw a message from Corde. That’s when I remembered, he was Cordes uncle. I opened the message. It was like a balloon had just popped. These tears that were overflowing my body finally made their way out. I was a living waterfall. I ran to my room and smashed my face to my pillow. All these feelings were finally exploding out of me. I went back to my computer.  Corde had sent me to try and listen to the song Fix You by Coldplay. So I did, I listened to that song about a million times that day. I couldn’t eat when my mother served dinner. I just cried and listened to the song. I found these feelings surprising. I didn’t even get along with him that much. Sure we sent on few trips together, and I have had some small conversations with him. But we weren’t necessarily close. That was my fault I guess. I couldn’t believe what I had always done. I felt so guilty about it.
The whole day at school was brutal. I cried every single period. I was unfocused. I knew I was sitting on the desk about 10 meters from the board, but it felt as if I was 10,000 miles away. I might as well have been. I only wanted to escape the darkness I felt. I got home, and took a shower. When I got out, I was looking for something to wear for the funeral. I found a cute black dress. I put it on and looked on my vintage full length mirror. This would be my first funeral. I just stood there watching myself. I observed the details. I noticed how tiny my hands were, I also noticed how my freckles look clearer when I wear black. My godfather loved my freckles. He always used to say “ your freckles are your mark” I don’t really understand what he meant by that. I meant to ask him when I saw him, I guess I’ll just have to figure it out for myself now. I took one last glance at myself, sighed and got out of the bathroom.
My mom drove me extra early to the funeral, she wanted me to see the body. I was scared. I had mixed emotions, on one hand, I wanted closure, but on the other I didn’t want my last glance at him be in his open casket. When I got there, I could feel the mood from the parking lot.You couldn't hear any laughter and a depressing vibe filled the air. People in back, all black, the feeling of sorrow filled the room. Over at the upper right hand corner was a room, people were coming in and out of that room, some came out in pairs and some came out alone. My mom started to pull me towards that room. There was a line. That’s when I realized that my godfathers casket was in there. I had an important decision to make. “Should I go in?” “Should I stay here?” The pressure was overwhelming. “Mom, should I go in?”
“I don’t know sweetie, it’s all on you” she slowly replied.
“It’s all on you” “It’s all on you” Those words raced through my thoughts. “Should I go in?”
Next thing I knew, I was in the room. It’s not clear to me how I got there, nor why I came in alone, I just took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “This isn’t real, you’ll open your eyes and see it’s just a dream” I opened my eyes and I was still there. I stood in the room and pinched myself, I didn’t wake up. It was a dream, I knew it was, yet I could not wake up. When I was younger I always counted my fingers to know whether or not I was dreaming. I took a look at my hands, “1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10” I counted up to ten fingers, this was no dream. I took a close look around the room. It was old for sure, it had brown walls made out of wood. The curtains were cascades falling from the hangers. I noticed how the floor had an old carpet with a beautiful pattern, all in dark green and brown shades. Sitting there in front of me was the casket. The open casket was at the tip of my nose, the casket was black, all black, no patterns nor shades, just plain dark black. I took a step forward, then two and then three. I could see the glass over my godfathers body, but I could not yet see the body. This was the moment, the one moment that could change everything. Every memory, every laugh everything related to my godfather would all link to this last glimpse at him in his casket. “Is this really what I want?” Tears ran down my face like rain drops run down a glass window. I wanted closure, I really really did. Slowly closing my eyes and taking a step forward was the way I imagined how this was going to go. But I couldn’t, I just could not bare the thought of losing everything I knew, everything I remembered about him just for the image of his laying body.
“Hi, umm, hi” I started a conversation with myself, imagining he could hear me. “Im sorry for your death, i’m sorry for your family. I know you are in a better place now so that’s good.” I could imagine him hearing me, as if he was in the room with me, his soul, not only his body. “I really love you, I know we did not get along as much as I pretend that we did, that was my fault I guess. Feeling guilty about something that could have been easily changed. You  probably already know this, but I umm... I--I was a little embarrassed by you, I know that’s not nice, I don’t even know why but I was.” Tears darted from my eyes to the floor, and I started pacing around the room. “ I would see you in school and in the movies and I would hide from you, I would try not to say hi. I can not forgive myself for it. I remember how my heart would race when I saw you, looking for places to hide. Now i’m here, walking next to your open casket,  pretending like I did say hi to you, and I did appreciate you. But I didn’t, and it’s killing me that I can’t change that. It’s killing me that now that you are gone, I finally start to appreciate you. Is that so selfish of me?”
I realized I was talking to myself and that i’ve spent over 15 minutes in that room. I could imagine him, with god, looking down on me. Slowly I shut my eyes. I imagined him giving me a hug, forgiving me, and saying that he loves me. Suddenly, I felt better, I felt he had actually forgiven me. I closed my eyes again and imagined him holding hands with me and god, slowly drifting away into the light. As tears ran down my face I opened my eyes and faced the casket. In a matter of seconds it all became clear to me. I did not want to see him dead, I did not want to replace everything for that depressive memory of him lying on his casket. I closed my eyes and saw the same image I saw before, the three of us, in peace, holding hands until we drifted away. With the last voice I had in me I whispered “I’ll see you soon” This is my ending, this is my closure.
This story can teach you many lessons; feeling guilty, forgiving yourself, finding closure and most importantly appreciation. Appreciation can be underestimated. You can appreciate family, friends, you can also appreciate food, and school. The truth is, you don’t really appreciate something until it’s gone. Your mother, she might drive you crazy sometimes and she might make you want to scream your throat out. But if you don’t appreciate her, you will miss even the moments she made you wish you could die. We can try to appreciate everything we have, and only until we do, will we ever be truly happy. Appreciation can be showed in many differen’t ways, hugs, kisses and even smiles. We can all reach the point where we appreciate everything, we just have to try.