“There is no room for peace when perfection is a priority” - Christina Bosse. I'm the youngest in my family. You'd think I'd be a spoiled brat from that first sentence alone, but in a low income house there isn't room to be spoiled. From a young age ive had alot of pressure put on me, my parents are immigrants whose highest education has ever been able to reach middle school level. It's not their fault though, but the place they grew up. Choosing between a school day or working in the fields meant the difference between being able to eat or not for the day. 

When they got older they knew they had to give their kids a different outcome so they crossed the border to give me and my siblings a better, more privileged life and give us a shot at an education they couldn't have themselves. One by one as my sibling had a try at college and decided it wasn't for them. My parents showed little disappointment but overall acceptance, I'm guessing they figured the next one would get it. But they didnt which left all the pressure on me. Sometimes it seemed like they wanted me to be perfect, but I'm not perfect.

Don't get me wrong, I've always been grateful to them and been the type to always want to be great at whatever I do, especially grades. But hearing it so much at such a young age gave me internalized perfectionism and pressure that I can't hold up to. Even though sometimes it doesn't even seem like they care, never giving me punishment or praise for whatever I get on my report cards or even feeling the need to check. It always mattered to me. It's almost bitter sweet. You'd wonder why this is even an issue, sounds like I work hard and have a good mindset when it comes to school right? I thought so too until I started to get stressed when I couldn't understand things and started feeling like a complete and utter failure at everything. 

It got especially bad during online school. It was hard to navigate at first and I started to spiral, hitting a wall where I realized it wasn't normal and it was starting to become an issue. With feeling like I had no one to turn to or at least no one who I felt would understand, I turned to myself. It took a while of trial and error but in the end I adopted a “good enough for me” mindset. Of course I still have issues sometimes, getting rid of something that had been planted inside of me for so long takes time and honestly who doesn't want to be perfect?  I don't know if I'll ever really get rid of all of it, but for now it's good enough for me. Moral of the story, I'm not perfect.