Go out every night of the week. 

How else will you find a boyfriend?

You must leave your warm, dimly-lit cave and go out every single night (of every single week) to meet the love of your life. 

Go on. Get out of your comfort zone! And leave the bowl of chocolate ice cream behind. It makes you look miserable.

I can already see your promising future. He is sitting 10 tables to your left. No! Don’t look yet! He will see you staring. But look now. Wow. He is decent-looking, I guess. 

Why are you sitting by yourself in a booth at Panera anyway? Don’t you have any friends? Forget I asked. Let’s pray he doesn’t see you stuffing your face with a bread bowl. What a turn-off.

Picture this: you and Mr. Panera growing old together. How sweet is that? Hopefully your unappreciative kids didn’t put you in a nursing home. But you guys lived the fullest life together. You made a family, a living, and no mistakes. 

You gaze out your kitchen window sipping on a hot cup of coffee in a mug that reads: “My favorite people call me Mom”. As you lean over the counter, you admire your husband playing fetch with your golden retriever, Buddy, next to the five thousand dollar playset you bought from Costco. News flash: you got jipped. Your precious, ketchup-smelling toddlers scramble into the kitchen and—

Oh my God! Where did he go? He was right there! The love of your life was right there! You were too busy drooling over your right palm to realize he left. There goes your happy ending! Great job.

Anyways, back to what we are here for. Never, and I mean never, be yourself. You should never lay all your cards out on the table at once. What if he thinks you’re weird? That would be the end of your dating life. 

You should first see what type of person he is, and replicate what you perceive his interests to be. 

He likes to snowboard? Guess what? You do too. 

He likes action movies? Guess what? You do too.

He likes hamburgers? Guess what? You do too.

What do you mean you’re vegetarian? That’s nonsense. Go buy a hamburger right now. Go! Fast! Go before he discovers your true identity! You have to prove to him that you are the person he has been searching for his entire life. You have to prove to him that you are the answer to all of his problems.

Perfect. You went out every night and have the same interests as him. Now all you have to do is flirt more. Simple. I don’t care if you are an introvert. Flirting is the way to a person’s heart. Touch their arm, laugh when the joke wasn’t funny, smile when they’re talking about their deep-rooted hate for their family. You must do these things to win them over. By flirting excessively, they will know you like them. The best thing a woman can do is flirt! Initiating your feelings with them first will guarantee you a spot in their life, even if you come second. At least second place isn’t last: a place you have been for the majority of your life.

Congratulations! He likes you and asked you on a second date. Don’t thank me. Thank your persistency, honesty, and vulnerability. Without those attributes, you wouldn’t have a boyfriend to love and cherish. 

It’s crazy to think that you were lonely and miserable just a couple of weeks ago.

Don’t you dare mess up this opportunity. It might just be the only one you have for a while.

You seem so happy in this fulfilling relationship.

You wouldn’t trade it for the world. Would you?