“Home is where the heart is.” This common phrase refers to how home should be the warmest place, which carries an integral part of life. Home is the place where dreams begin, a place to save energy and be comforted. Meanwhile the parents who give life are here, parents who give us the opportunity to see the world, teach us to grow up, and give us wings before we chase our dreams. Parents are powerful and should be the closest to us. However, parental separation is an adverse childhood experience. Any parental behavior or emotion can affect children before they have the ability to judge themselves. Emotional and behavioral problems in children are more common when parents live separately. At a time when I was getting along with my parents, my mom suddenly went to work in another city, and I was suddenly separated from her. The next series of relationships that occurred between my parents and I changed our personalities and behaviors. This leads me to wonder: How has my parents’ separation affected me?

I was born into a small, warm family, my grandparents lived across the street from me, and I felt surrounded by love until elementary school. I lived with my mom and dad when I was a child, but they were busy, so I only got to see them at night. On weekends and holidays, they would always take me to the park to play, although I don't remember much, but from the pictures I look like I'm smiling happy. This time only lasted until I was in elementary school. When I was in the first grade, my mom suddenly went to work in another city, Shanghai, and at that time I didn't understand that this was a good thing for my mom. My dad worked late every day, and I basically had no communication with him. In my limited childhood memories, the only conversation with my dad was his criticism and discipline of me, and the only care my dad gave me was when he rolled my hair into the blow dryer and put me into a dark room to reflect. My childhood was filled with more fear and resentment of my dad. Mom was like a light to me because of this; she would only come back to see me once every two weeks, and only for a short weekend of less than two days. I would talk to my mom on the phone every day, and every time I knew she was coming back I would be so happy I couldn't sleep. On the contrary, every time she had to go back to work, I would hug her pillow and cry all afternoon. When the school held parent-teacher conferences, other classmates went with their moms and dads, while I only saw my mom twice a month.

At school when I heard them talking about how my mom didn't even care about me, I started to wonder if the reason why my mom went to work in another city is she did not want to care about me anymore. In “Home Sweet Home(s): Parental Separations, Residential Moves, and Adjustment Problems in Low-income Adolescent Girls,” Emma K. Adam points out that repeated interruptions in the relationship are intuitive factors that lead to changes in the child's perception of “home” (Adam 804). I began to think that, wasn't it because I changed everything? Every night when I was alone, I would think that is it because I wasn't good enough, so my mom moved away; is it because I was too naughty, so I made noise to my mom and dad. Gradually I started to become less talkative, and at the time I realized this was the teacher who called me into the office and asked me if something had happened. This question came to my mind countless times and was something I always wanted to know. My mom brought me to Shanghai to live with her in the fourth grade. In my new school, everyone's influence on me was that I was sensible and polite, but too introverted. During the first two years in Shanghai, I asked myself every day why I wasn't excited when I had clearly come to my mom and had clearly met the light. After I came to live with my mom, I found that she was busy and had only a little time to communicate with me. I hardly greeted my dad, and he rarely visited me. My parents and I seem to be growing apart from each other.

In middle school, I had emotional anxiety and mild depression. I began to close myself off, and I began to love the darkness that I used to fear and dread, as if it was the only thing that could illuminate me during that time. In “Attachment and Separation in Young Children,” Tiffany Field states that “[d]epressed activity and heart rate are commonly reported when individuals are in situations in which they are helpless” (Field 547). My whole being was insecure and I would feel fearful and uneasy about things around me, so I would sit in the corner of my room in the middle of the night and think, I'm getting better, and I know how to behave, but my relationship with my parents is still not better. I started crying and arguing with my mom, not saying a word to my dad except when I needed money, and my dad still rarely came to see me. In “Divorce or Separation of Parents – The Impact on Children and Adolescents: for Parents and Carers,” it points out that “Parental separation can create a sense of loss in the child, who will fear abandonment and even the fear that he or she caused the parental separation” (“Divorce or separation…”). I lived under invisible pressure for a long time, and finally I proposed to my mom and dad that I wanted to go to school abroad, thinking that I would be able to escape from facing the complicated relationship between my family.

When I was applying for school, my mom started to talk to me every day, and in the process of talking, I found out that things were not what I thought they were. Both mom and dad cared about me, they rarely talked to me because they thought I was busy studying for fear of disturbing me. Mom was worried about me, she said she thought I was not smiling anymore and that the little kid who used to talk to her about everything was starting to have secrets. In “Denial of access: Past, Present, and Future,” it states that children need close human relationship as they grow up in order to develop morality, conscience, self-esteem and the ability to care for others (Eagle 7). I started to realize that communication is important, especially with my family. In fact, I have never had any secrets. This "secret" as my mother calls it is just that I am afraid that because of me, this family will not be warm anymore.

The separation of my mom and dad made me not know how to communicate effectively with my parents and made me doubt myself. It made me become insecure and not know how to get along and communicate with people properly. This made me spend a lot of time growing up to change my habits, to learn how to properly deal with my parents, and to learn how to interact and communicate with outsiders. It is an unchangeable childhood memory that has changed my personality and demeanor. On the other hand, it also convinced me that the relationship between my parents and I needs to be strengthened by communication; my parents are also first-time parents, so I need to be sensitive and understand them. When there is a physical or psychological distance between my parents, it requires more communication to understand each other's feelings.