Constantly talk to new people. Why else did you pay an outrageous tuition to be here? You have to be having the time of your life by the end of the first week. You can save the sleep and self-care for after college. You’ll have all the time in the world to reflect on what is supposed to be “the best years of your life.” Now is the time to be the top at everything — the best student, the best friend, the best party-goer. Are you not raising your hand constantly while also talking to your class peers? Do you even care?

Nice going, it’s only the second week and your teachers and classmates hate you for being too talkative. Also, you’re failing and rumors are being spread about you around campus. It’s time to stop taking it easy and start pushing the pedal to the metal. I don’t just mean getting straight A’s or joining every club on campus. I mean truly embodying the spirit of what it means to be a college student — sleep-deprived, caffeine-fueled, and on the brink of a mental breakdown at any given moment. 

And never miss a call from your parents. Are you even grateful for them? Maybe they will stop paying your tuition. Well great, you better start looking for jobs — that is, unless you want to keep being the lazy and selfish adult that you are.

Basically: are you talking to everyone and also not talking too much? You better be. Even at night. Study hard and meet people often. You can’t? Yeah right. Maybe you just aren’t meant to go to college. It’s fine, Cs get degrees, am I right?

As a college student, you will have a lot on your plate — classes, homework, social activities, and of course, Netflix binging. The key to success is finding the perfect balance between all these things. And by balance, I mean procrastinating until the very last minute and then pulling an all-nighter to get everything done. It’s a time-honored tradition.

Alright, that’s enough studying for now. In college, it’s not just about what you know, but who you know. So make sure to attend every networking event, career fair, and mixer that you can. And remember, it’s not about making genuine connections with people, it’s about collecting as many business cards as possible and adding everyone on LinkedIn. Nothing says “I’m a successful college student” like having a thousand LinkedIn connections.

That’s enough talking for now. It’s time to put effort into your looks. Your time is running out and people will judge you for looking too ugly or too hot. If you meet other attractive classmates, make sure to be funny, nice, and definitely not nervous. Smile and tilt your head! Then look away immediately and blush. Do you want people to think you’re a try-hard? It’s time to play hard to get.

Now, let’s talk about extracurricular activities. Sure, you could join a club or volunteer organization that aligns with your interests and passions. But why do that when you could join a club solely to put it on your resume? That’s right, become the president of the Underwater Basket Weaving Club or the treasurer of the Synchronized Swimming Team. It doesn’t matter if you have no interest in these activities, as long as they look good on paper.

Make time for self-care. You don’t want to be a mess. So make sure to schedule regular mental health days where you binge-watch your favorite TV show and eat an entire tub of ice cream. And remember, it’s okay to cry in the library bathroom when the stress becomes unbearable. It’s all part of the college experience.

In reality, being the best college student is not about getting perfect grades or having a flawless resume. It’s about embracing the chaos and absurdity of college life and finding humor in the madness. And talking to people. Always talk to people. You might find some lifelong friends. Wow, in twenty years you are going to be so grateful for the people you met in college. They might even help you get a job. 

Did you save money for a car and house?