After many centuries of solitude, the Americans opened their land to the Europeans, who marched straight on in. Then like ants coming into a picnic basket, the other countries followed. The Aussies realized they were missing out on the fun and came hopping in like kangaroos. As usual, the straggling Asians finally decided to show up, a couple years late, and BOOM! The population sure did rise. And so, America became a melting pot.

Americans who were born in the United States suddenly find themselves struggling to retain their spot among the crowd of people. Many white people now wake up every morning thinking the chance of a job offer is one in a million. And with a sigh, they just push through the bunches of foreigners swamping up on America’s front yard so that even the front door is hard to open.

“I go outside to pick up my newspaper in the morning and find that I got a copy of the Times of India instead of my usual New York Times. I mean, how am I supposed to read all those squiggly lines that make up words?” said 35-year-old Philadelphia resident Alex Smith. “I just have to toss it into my Indian neighbor’s yard, only to have my other neighbor surprise me with a “G’day mate” as he walks his koala-like DINGO dog across the street.”

Emily Jones, 29, of Sacramento commented, “I rushed out today with my Swiss cup of Nestlé coffee so that I would not be late for a meeting with my British boss. God, I wish I didn’t have to see that terrible set of teeth everyday. I’m driving like a normal person and all of a sudden, this Asian woman just cuts me off and I end up in a full on car crash, getting a ticket, and losing my job for being late. Apparently, even my Indian coworker had gotten there on time.”

After the 2010 Census, President Obama had to consider changing the name of the country from America to Euro-Aus-Asia to better encompass the people who now occupied the majority. Congress would not allow this, probably since the majority there is still white, for the time being. A national poll stated that after a woman becomes President, a Chinese candidate will come and take the throne and turn the democracy into a socialist state.

A mother asked her former high school quarterback son about his first day of college. He replied, “There are so many kinds of people that I don’t think I have seen another American yet. This group of Asians invited me to play some football with them and so I wore my helmet and put pads on my shoulders. Apparently we were playing soccer so I just left confused why they would call soccer ‘football.’”

Scientists have researched the psychological mindset of Americans today and compared it to earlier times. The reports have shown that stress has increased by 55 percent and that motivation to act has decreased by 57 percent. It is said that by 2050, all the Americans born on U.S. soil will have moved to a new continent and the names will have to be changed.

“Of course the typical ‘American Dream’ exists,” stated Sen. Harry DeKline. “It simply only applies to foreign immigrants now.”