Happiness. That’s the one thing I've never understood. How people go around smiling at each other- laughing with each other is beyond me. 

I’ve always felt disconnected from everyone else like the spider lamp over there, dark from it’s inability to plug itself back in. My room doesn’t really need to be bright anyway. There’s not really even a point. Most of my things are just here to collect dust. My bookshelf is full of thousands of books I haven’t read since third grade. It’s now almost  gray instead of the bright, cheerful white it used to be.

My walls used to be pink too but you can’t see them anymore. They’re covered in hundreds of my paintings of the night sky. Each star is light years away from the others. Even constellations are on different planes instead of the flat plane we imagine them on. 

My favorite stars are the ones way far off. So far away that even the strongest telescope can’t find them. Kind of like me. Floating around in an endless abyss of space, never getting noticed. I bet they’re not very happy either. That’s why we can’t even see them. They’ve given up on being remembered. Being found. 

Most people in my situation would have given up on school. On life. I refuse. The better grades I get now, the further away I can get from this place later. 

The blue curtains on the window sway in and out, left and right; dancing with the cool breeze reminding me that it will soon be too cold to leave the window open. I close my eyes and feel the burn from lack of sleep. I yawn at the thought but stand up anyway. I can see the barest trace of sun peeking through the trees. I wish real life was like that. Restarting every morning instead of never letting you forget or forgive your past mistakes. Always reminding you of who you used to love.

I open the closet to reveal my neat stacks of clothes sorted by type and material versus my sister’s messy shelves that have forgotten what a pile even is. I kick some of her clothes that have fallen onto the floor under the bottom shelf for her to clean up later.

My bright pink athletic shirt and black bike shorts are for appearances only. Fake it ‘till you make it… right? Right. 

I get dressed and briefly comb my hair enough to pull into a low poney. The rice pudding is gone so I skip breakfast and walk straight out the door. 

The cool air rushes past my face as I run. Trees cast shadows over me and I try to make it to the next ray of sunlight, pushing myself to the brink of my abilities. The trail narrows slightly right before I cross over a bridge. I’m about to turn a corner before a brick wall crashes into me from the opposite direction, knocking me over and into the river.

My head goes under, the water far deeper than it looks from above. It’s so cold I’m surprised the top isn’t iced over. My limbs go into shock and struggle to move. The strong current pulls me, dragging me against rocks. Most are smooth but a few sharper ones still catch my skin.

Suddenly, a warm body slams into mine. I scramble around a bit before I’m finally able to latch onto his arm. His? I can’t really see if the person is a dude or not because of the bubbles floating all around us. My head feels like it's going to implode from lack of oxygen and black spots dance around my vision. 

I feel their arm clasp around my middle and start pulling me. Slowly, the water gets even more shallow and my head breaks the surface.  

I gasp for air and spit the fish-tasting water out of my mouth. Suddenly, I can’t breathe again. My lungs freeze up and I start coughing to get all the water out. But it won’t leave. 

I can feel myself start to black out again but something starts pounding my back. I don’t know why. It almost feels like he’s giving me a massage but trying to break my ribs in the process.

Finally, my coughs calm and I can breathe normally again. My ears continue to pound. Small rocks and twigs dig into my chest, hands and knees, reminding me of the gravel Evan shoved me into- 

I close my eyes and try to erase the pain, not only in my scraped hands and knees, but in the depths of my soul and burned into every memory of him- tainting the last six years of my life. 

A warm hand rests on my shoulder and I look up at the tall man standing over me. The sun frames his face, making it impossible to see his features. 

“Are you okay?” 

I open my mouth to speak but words refuse to work. Instead, I let out a few more coughs before I’m finally able to say anything. 

“Y-yeah.” I slowly get to my feet brushing off my legs and shirt but only succeed in smearing the dark mud. I sigh. 

My hands stray to my hair and I wince as I feel the thick, heavy mud and try to tangle my fingers through the strands but it’s impossible. My ponytail has fallen halfway out and is stuck in a knot in the back of my head. 

“I’m sorry for running into you. If I had been watching-”

“Hey! It’s fine.” I quickly say. I suddenly feel cold. My body starts shivering and I wrap my arms around my chest. I can’t use my magic with him around. Actually… I can’t use my magic at all, really. Last time I did, I remember the DOSMA showing up within minutes, asking everyone within a mile radius about a magical disturbance. 

“Are you okay? You didn’t hit your head at all? Break anything?”

“No. I’m fine. Thanks.” We stand there with the awkward silence between us. 

“Do you want me to walk you home or to school?” I think for a second about what Mother would think and how my sisters would try to seduce him. 

“No. I think I’ll be okay. I’ll just sit here for a minute before leaving.”

He nods. “Okay. I’m sorry I have to go, but school starts in a few minutes. Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?

“I’m sure. Thanks.”

He nods once again before walking up the steep slope. I don’t move until he’s vanished in the foliage and the rustle of leaves leaves my ears. 

The forest is silent once again. My slight shivers shake my vision and I take a step so I can get home and warm myself. 

I never take a second. Sharp pain rockets into my lower back, making it feel like someone shot me. I fall to the ground and groan and lay there for someone to find me.