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Monday, November 9th, 2019

The world woke up incomplete on the morning of November 9th, 2019, as the ninth home of billionaire and Cowling Oil Co. CEO Fredrick M. Cowling fell victim to the vicious storms of the southeastern United States during the night. Our investigators report that a loose board from the wreckage of the nearby home of nobody of note was picked up by the winds, and carried through a window, rendering the house unusable. “The horrible storm left my 6th favorite home in such a state of wreckage that I will have no choice but to demolish it and rebuild,” stated Cowling in tears. “If anybody, and I mean ANYBODY can find it in their heart to help an old man to recover from such a loss, please send CHECKS ONLY by mail to 2110 Hillhaven Drive, Hollywood, CA 90028.”

Cowling: “The loss of my 9th home will leave such an awkward gap between my 8th and 10th homes. Does this mean my 10th home is now my 9th home? If that’s the case, then houses 10 through 15 would all have to be moved up a slot. And what if I rebuild? Would it be the 9th again? Or the 16th? Or maybe even 15th?"

Calling the loss of Mr. Cowling’s 9th home, “a tragedy beyond belief,” his personal house workers have worked through the night to try to salvage Cowling’s collection of antique PEZ®️ dispensers. Cowling stated that his treasured “One-of-five misprint inverted beak Donald Duck” could resell on ebay for $1.5 million. One can only hope to say strong in such a time of hardship. 

A campaign has been started to rebuild Cowling’s 9th home to its former glory (minimum donation: $500). According to Cowling, “It seems a large quantity of land has been freed up by some unknown cause surrounding the wreckage of my poor, poor home.” The land was previously tarnished by the presence of three to four bedroom high ranch slums featuring tacky vinyl siding, which had been most offensive to drive past. Cowling intends to utilize the funds from this campaign to rebuild his house bigger and better on this new, inexplicable land.  The new home will called Mara a Giganto and will feature a solid gold display case for the antique PEZ®️ dispensers above the indoor Aqua Centre®️. We encourage our readers to please donate to the cause. It wouldn’t hurt to do something nice, for a change, especially for such a nice guy as Cowling. In his immortal words, “I even allowed one of my employees to apply for his third minimum wage job!” The story of Fredrick M. Cowling’s ninth home will hopefully be remembered, and inspire the hearts of many young children.