234950873495 B.C.E. 

                                                                                              (Before the Big Bang)  

                                                                                          In the temple of the God(s) 

                                                                                                  Diary Entry #1 

Dear Diary,

I am God. You know, it's tiring being God. I have to be Vishnu, Krishna, and Allah all at once. Sometimes, I must also be the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. But anyway, for the time being, I am God, omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent.

Brief pause.

I was born an orphan, you see; in fact, I wasn't born at all: I simply existed. I don't know why I was here or how I came to be, but I do know that a great emptiness enveloped me. It's weird, don't you think, living without a beginning or an end, but knowing how every part of your existence is going to play out. For example, if you ask me right now, I could tell you what will happen in the year 2038 or even in the year 3049. However, all this knowledge in my mind – I hate it. You’d think, surely as God, I'd be free from constraints.

Well, that's what I've been wondering as well.

I'm literally an omnipotent deity, and I can manipulate anything with a snap of my fingers (evidently, that's not what I'm going to do, though, because my actions are predetermined.) However, it's not as simple as that. When I existed in this vast emptiness, I was lonely, so I will create humans in the form of me…to keep me company. But, oh Lord, even if they call me 'Father,' all these sons and daughters I will create are creatures I cannot touch because I'm supposed to be an unknowable higher being to them. Then again, I suppose I can touch them without them knowing; however, what is love when love isn't reciprocated?

These inexplicable things torment me. I'm an orphan because I have no father or mother, no guidance for my existence. I guess I'm “perfect,” but what is perfection if I'm filled with self-doubt? Eventually I’ll hear my children praying to me, and I will wish I could help them, but their lives are already purposed. Their existence is predetermined by my omniscience, so how can I aid them in their misery – the same misery I cast inside of them from the beginning?

On the bright side, I can treat them to heaven…at least those who believe in me. Of course, I love every one of my children, but the entrance to my heaven is an exclusive membership, a gift for the genuine believers in me – the all-powerful God himself. As for the others, I will still love them, but they must be cast aside, thrust into eternal damnation…why? I want to save them and bring light into their eyes, but I can't. I don't know why.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I guess I'm human after all…