Scene One
Narrator:
Welcome everyone to a Mixed Up Fairy Tale. Now, you folks may think you know what goes on in Fairytale Land. But I am about to give you [pause] a totally awesome tour, so that you will be able to see what strange things go on there. So, without further ado, I present a Mixed Up Fairy Tale.[Lights dim. Curtains open, revealing a classroom. The children in it are frozen and do not move. A spotlight goes on the narrator.]
Narrator:
Tonight we will show you five scenarios in Fairytale Land. The first scenario is Fairytale Elementary. This is your average school populated with many of your favorite fairy tale characters...sort of. Let’s see these kids in action.
[Narrator snaps fingers, and the stage lights turn on. The classmates unfreeze and begin to mingle. The narrator walks off stage. Ed the ugly duckling walks on stage and ambles over to Rosie Riding Hood.]
Ed:
[To Rosie Riding Hood] Uh…Excuse me? Do you know where Room 148 is?
[Ed looks at his sheet to see if he is in the right room. Rosie looks around to see who is talking to her, then realizes that it is Ed and turns toward him.]
Red:
You’re in it. Didn’t you see the sign? You must be new. I’ve never seen you before. Who are you?
Ed:
[Reaches out his hand to shake Red’s hand.] I’m Edward the Ugly Duckling, but most people call me Ed ‘cause they don’t want to hurt my feelings.
Red:
[Ignoring Ed’s hand] That’s an interesting name…
Ed:
What’s your name?
Red:
Well, my name is Rosie Riding Hood. But I really hate that name, so most people call me Red. Why did you decide to come here?
[Ed and Red begin to walk slowly across the stage.]

Ed:
It was kinda my mom’s decision. You see, I wasn’t born like my brothers and sisters…

Red:
[Interrupting] Has it ever occurred to you that you might be adopted?

Ed:
[Shrugging off the question] Nope! Not for a second! Anyway, mom says I keep goosing around, and I need to act more like a duck. She says this school will help me do that. The teacher, Mrs. Fairy Godmother, is supposed to make sure her students are well disciplined.

[Alicia and her posse walk on stage. They do not notice Ed. Ed bangs into Alicia.]

Alicia:
[Furious; fixing her hair] Watch where you’re going, Feathers!

Ed:
[insulted] Now that’s getting personal, Blondie!

[Alicia pushes Ed. Red catches him. Alicia’s friends laugh at Ed. Alicia chuckles at him.]

Alicia:
[Looking past Red to friends] Red! Has it ever occurred to you that the color red was so out three months ago? [Friends laugh.] I hear blue is the new black. [Purposely bumps into Red.] Oops, didn’t see ya there. It was like you’re invisible.

[She and posse laugh obnoxiously and walk to a set of desks.]

Ed:
[Disgusted] Who’s that?

Red:
[Rolls her eyes] That’s Alice, but people call her Alicia. [Sits on desk, as does Ed.] Not only is she mean, but she is also crazy.

Ed:
What makes you say that?

Red:
In first grade, she said she went to a place called Wonderland. Her friends never really seem to remember that…

[Mrs. Godmother walks on stage, unnoticed by the kids. The bell rings.]

Mrs. Godmother:
[Clapping her hands together] OK, dear children, find a seat to sit down in before I bippity-boppity-boo you to one!

[The children scramble for seats. Ed and Red both hop off the desk and sit down in a seat.]Very good! Now, the first item of business is this. [Holds up a glass slipper.] Does this belong to anyone?
Cindy:[Embarrassed; raises hand.] That’s mine. [Gets up, grabs the slipper, and puts it on.]
Mrs. Godmother:
[Annoyed] Cindy, this is the third time you’ve lost your glass slipper. If you do it again, I’m going to call your stepmother.
[To class] Now, your homework is to bring in pumpkins. We are going to make pumpkin carriages tomorrow.
[The bell rings] Can that be the bell already? You are dismissed. Don’t forget your pumpkins.
[Students rush off stage and the curtains close. Lights dim.]
Scene Two
[The curtains are closed. The narrator walks on stage, lit by a spotlight.]
Narrator:
As you can see, some pretty strange things happen in the schools of Fairytale Land. In our next scenario, we are going to find out where people come up for the ideas for fairy tales.
[The curtains open to reveal a director and anxious characters auditioning for a fairy tale part. The narrator snaps, and the characters unfreeze. The narrator walks off stage.]
Director:
[Into megaphone] NEXT PLEASE!
[Snow Black walks up to the director. She is very anxious. The director is unsympathetic.]
Director:[Looking at list] And who are you?
Snow Black:
[Sighs] OK…whew! [Regaining confidence] I’m Snow Black and I’d like to audition for a fairy tale part.
Director:
[Looking at list again] Snow Black, you say? [Snow Black nods.] I’m sorry, but Snow White beat you to it. She showed up about two hours ago. I guess first come, first served. [Grabs megaphone.] NEXT!
[Snow Black walks off stage, crushed. White and black rabbit hop onto stage. The white rabbit is fretting over his waistcoat watch. The black rabbit, in contrast, is easy-going.]
White Rabbit:
[Pulling out waistcoat watch] Oh dear! I’m late! I’m very, very late for my audition! Oh dear!
Black Rabbit:
[Putting hand on White Rabbit’s shoulder] Take it easy, man. There’s no rush.
Director:
Mr. uh…[looking at audition seat] …White Rabbit. I believe that your desire to be prompt for every occasion will win you a part in Alice in Wonderland.
White Rabbit:[Astonished, shakes the director’s hand vigorously] Thank you! Thank you! [Looks at his watch.] Oh dear! I’m very, very late! No time to say hello, goodbye. I’m late, I’m late, I’m late! [Hops off stage.]
Black Rabbit:[Looks at director, then to where the white rabbit went.] Peace out, man. [Makes a peace sign and hops off.]
Director:[Into megaphone] Next please![Marlin and Dory walk up.]
Marlin:[Searching around] Oh, where is he?
Dory:Your son Rico?
Marlin:First of all, it’s Nemo. Second of all, I’m not looking for him. I’m looking for the director! [Sees him.] Oh, there he is!
Director:Ahh, Marlin and Dory. I heard that your movie looked fantastic! [Looks at clipboard] What are you trying out for now?
Marlin:Well…we were kinda hoping there could be a sequel.
Director:[Shocked] Sequel?
Dory:You know, a literary work that is complete in itself but continues the narrative of a preceding work.
Director:No, no! [Smacks his head.] I know what it means! Why on earth do you want a sequel? Don’t tell me you lost Elmo again.
Marlin:It’s Nemo! No, we did not lose him. We just feel one movie isn’t good for our image.
Director:[Annoyed] Get out of here. You can’t even act. You’re just uptight all the time.
Marlin:[Irritated] I am not!
Director:
[Points to Dory] And you couldn’t even remember your lines.
Dory:
I did have that one really memorized. Ooh, I still remember it. “P Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney!” See I remembered it again! Wait, what am I doing here?
Director:
You’re at your audition. Anyway, people just aren’t into fish these days.
Marlin:
Oh, yeah? Then what are they into?
Director:
[smiles] Tall, flightless birds and talking dogs. Did you know a 13-foot tall bird named “Kevin” came into my studio earlier? It’s strange, because Kevin’s a girl! Anyway, you may want to find another director just like you wanted to find your son.
Marlin:
Come on, Dory. He’s wasting our time.
Dory:
It’s like I told you: just keep swimming. [Sings the “Just keep swimming” song as they walk off stage.]
Director:
[Sits in his seat] I seriously need to get another job. My hair’s turning gray because all of these diva fairy tale wanna- bees. [Walks off stage.]