When you hear the name Bob, you think of an old, balding, slightly plump man. Bob Smith was just like that. He had made his fortune in the stock market and now spent his days sitting on the couch watching Family Guy and eating Doritos. All of his former colleagues were disgusted just for having known him, and rightfully so. 600 pounds of rippling fat, with legs so thick they could have been mistaken for tree trunks. The few wisps of hair he had left were starting to fall off, and the only living creature he had as a companion was a dog that was just as revolting as he was. “Doritos are the only reason I am living,” he liked to sing. The sound of his voice was known to break glass, and there were no mice or pests living within a mile of his house, for they liked their ears the way they were. Life was good for Bob, but those days couldn’t last forever.


For the immeasurable amount of Doritos he had eaten had pushed the food industry past its breaking point, and people had begun hoarding the valuable corn needed to produce the vast quantities of Doritos. So, Bob got up from his couch for the first time in 15 hours and set off to save his lifestyle.


He needed to tell the top executives of Doritos® of his grand plan. But first he needed a cool name for himself, for every hero needed a cool name. He decided to rename himself Baron K. Baron K had a grand plan to save the world from the evil Mister Raccoon, who was the most greediest corn hoarder the world had ever seen. (This is a character from Baron’s mind. You see, at this point, Bob was not exactly sane.)

“So, for my mission, I will need you to supply me with a cool ride and weapons.” Bob concluded. “I request you to do so urgently, or Mister Raccoon shall be the end of us all.” The top executives, being quite witty, decided to play along with Bob’s story. “You are certainly right. Here, take this salt and pepper shaker. Not only does salt come out when you shake it, but pepper too. Even the military doesn’t have weapons as advanced as this. And, as for a means of transportation. We shall bestow upon you one of the most amazing things that mankind has ever invented: a monthly bus pass. With this, you will be able to travel wherever you want for a month. You can even renew it for only $200,000,000 dollars! Just send us the money in the mail and you’ll receive another one.” So, with armed with a salt shaker and a bus pass, Baron K, set out to save the food industry.


Baron K, after spending hours explaining the miraculous powers to every passerby, was finally led by an exasperated person to the nearest bus stop. There, he used the magical powers of a bus pass to get onto the bus, free of charge!


“Excuse me, sir, I am afraid that if you fall, I will be crushed. I believe that this bus does not allow people to stand while it is moving,” one businessman said to Baron K, “and certainly not people that will obviously have trouble getting back up like yourself. You’re simply too fat.” Baron K, hearing this, took his mighty salt and pepper shaker and proceeded to sprinkle the entire contents of the shaker in the unfortunate man’s hair. The poor man made a hasty retreat, leaving Baron K quite pleased with himself. If all of the businessmen in the world were to come at him, Baron K would take them all on. After that incident, no one else dared to mess with the fat man. When he finally arrived in Los Angeles, 27 hours had passed and Baron K was no closer to finding the location of Mister Raccoon than before. Los Angeles, was a miraculous city of basketball, food, and pollution, but not the place where Mister Raccoon was. So, he set off to Chicago which he had learned from history, was where the bad guys always were. (see: Al Capone, John Dillinger)


Chicago was was the same as L.A, a great place, but no Mister Raccoon. Same with NYC and Cleveland.

Finally, after a month-long journey, Bob was forced to admit that there was no Mister Raccoon, and went home. Despite knowing this, he would continue to tell everyone who would listen that Baron K had lost his powers in a tragic accident for the rest of his life.