Everything here is grey. I don’t know if I can take it anymore. Am I becoming grey too? I feel grey. I want out of this place, this body, this life. I just want to be in a silent place, all my own.

All I want is for my life to have some meaning but it doesn’t. No matter how hard I try I do not make a difference. I may as well not exist for all the good I do the world. I think that my simple request of myself to be a good influence on the world is a good goal, so why is it so hard to achieve? My life is too loud. My breathing keeps me up at night and I cry because I cannot make myself be quiet. There is too much noise in my home now and I fear that there always will be. I cry at night because I am adding to the noise with breathing…and I cannot force myself to be quiet.

I’ve tried before to make myself permanently be quiet but people kept yelling at me, making more noise. Then I just couldn’t stand hurting them so I promised that I’d stop. But I really don’t feel any better and my lying isn’t helping me with my goal to leave a good impact on the world. It’s a vicious cycle and there is no escape. Escape is all I want but I can’t seem to find it. Can anyone help me? I don’t think that anyone can. All I want is help, all I want is quiet, all I need is to be a good person. But I know deep down inside that I’m not. People always say that I’m a nice person and that my parents couldn’t have gotten luckier. But I know that they’re lying which makes me angry; which makes me want to escape even more. There is no end to the cycle. There is no light in my life anymore. I don’t think that there ever was. My life has dimmed. If only it would darken.

I never had many friends and the ones I kept have faded away. I let them fade away. They caused too much noise. They called me names like ‘rexic. They don’t understand that food makes me emit more noise. They didn’t get the fact that eating will make me less of a global helper. They didn’t understand that I need to do this one little thing, and that all I needed was their support. Why didn’t they understand that? They were always so loud. They didn’t really understand anything that I needed from them. In the friendship I was always there for them but they hardly were there for me. I was always so alone. Even in crowds of people I was always so isolated. They were never there for me. No one ever has been.

I hear my parents fighting and guilt assaults me because I know they’re fighting over what to do with me. I know I’m too thin, I know I have issues with life and living because I have no purpose here on earth… But they don’t need to fight with each other over the insignificant little speck that is me. My family dynamics were already screwed before I was born but then I came along. Even when I was in my mother’s womb I was starting problems. I didn’t even have to be born before I began screwing up everything that could be deemed possible. I’m a failure. I don’t know why I’m even here. I never was good in school so I might as well try silence forever.

People wouldn’t miss me. No one would be affected so I don’t know why I keep putting off the inevitable. But I’m scared. I can’t keep still which makes more noise, which screws me up even more. Another vicious cycle. I don’t know who to be or how to be them. I’m lost but no one can find me. There’s no lost and found for people. Is there? No one would look for me anyway, My thoughts won’t stop spinning. Nowhere is quiet enough for me to be. Not even in my own head.

All I want is to be quiet. And if it takes forever to reach silence, so be it.


Peace,



Maggie