I hate you and I hate her.

I love you but I don't think I can trust you anymore.

I look up to her, want to be friends, but I don't think me or her could handle it.

You told me you both agreed yet here we are again. Here I am hurting again and doubting myself.

I get why she ran to you, she had no other way. But why did you have to run to her? I knew I wasn't enough, but still this hurts.

Who's idea was it anyways?

You say you thought of me but how can I believe that?

You don't get why I'm not confident? It's because of things like this. You saw how I'm treated at home. You don't get to see how the rest of the world sees me. So many I love have either cheated on those close to me or cheated on me. So when the one person who is convincing me to come out of this castle I've built around me hurts me this badly... I don't know what to do.

That's a lie. I know what to do. Tell you how I feel. But I can't. I don't want to hurt anyone. So I bite it back and keep my mouth shut. I smile when I see her, dry the tears that come when I see her with her boyfriend and I know he doesn't know. I'm envious of him. He's not hurting like I am, but I know he's hurting.

I'm sorry I'm still holding on to all of this. I think it's because I haven't communicated it.

Like usual you're right...

I need to open up and talk about how I feel.

But it's even harder now when I'm afraid of hurting you, not trying to hurt myself, and trying to be honest.