Today was her eighteenth birthday and like always, his room was still. The harsh fluorescent lights pounded onto every inch of surface they traced. Gracie sat beside him with her dainty hand entangled in his lifeless one. He wasn’t truly dead; but Gracie couldn’t see him any other way. The nurse stepped into the room.
“How’s your father, Grace?” her smile was small but her brown eyes were big and full of kindness.
“Oh, just as talkative as ever,” Gracie humored. The nurse continued her routine check and swiftly left the room. Gracie stared at her silent father who, for the past year and a half had been in a coma. His hair had grown longer than the length he typically kept it. She glanced outside to notice the leaves were changing from bright greens to beautiful yellows and oranges. Her thoughts traveled back to three long years ago…
Gracie had recently celebrated her fifteenth birthday, and the golden leaves were just beginning to fall. She held tightly to her white calla lilies and wiped a small tear from her eye. It was a chilly day for a funeral, which seemed to make it more difficult to cry. The brisk air blew the falling leaves around and slapped her cheeks red. Perched on a distant tree was a large raven. The eerie bird gazed at her, though she wasn’t frightened. Its ebony feathers were sharp in the ending sunset and the two beady eyes tore into her soft, green tearful ones. The two stared at one another. Gracie seemed lost in the dark bird’s mystical eyes. For the first time in months her worries vanished, and her heart forgot how sad it truly was. Suddenly, she was nudged and she looked up at her father. She noticed that his lively blue eyes were unusually cloudy and dark. He had been crying. Finally, it was Gracie’s turn. She slowly dragged her feet up to the casket and placed the calla lilies on top. With that single motion, all her pain rushed back like the tide to the shore. Another tear rolled down her face.
“I love you, Mom,” she whispered.
Back in the hospital room, Gracie gazed at her reserved father. She was consumed by his weakness. The same kind eyed nurse quickly and quietly strolled back into the room. Gracie was the first to break the silence.
“Today is my eighteenth birthday.” The nurse stopped suddenly and turned to face Gracie. Her eyes no longer carried kindness, but sorrow.
“Is it now?” The nurse asked. Gracie nodded. “Well then,” she paused, “you think long and hard before you make a final decision, okay?”
“Yes ma’am,” Gracie said, and the nurse quietly stepped out, leaving Gracie alone with her father. She looked at him. She could barely recognize the man lying in front of her. His pale body was wrapped in the hideous hospital gown. In his arm was an IV providing him with necessary fluids. His eyes were shut and Gracie knew she would never see his lively ocean-blue eyes ever again, or hear his brightening laughter that could make stone statues grin with happiness. That’s what she wanted most for her birthday: him, though of course, that wouldn’t happen. She watched his chest slowly rise up, and down from his ventilator. Without that machine available to assist his breathing, he couldn’t live. As if he were alive anyway, Gracie thought.
Doctors had explained to Gracie it was nearly impossible for him to regain consciousness, and if a miracle did occur, he could never live without the ventilator. His coma was too severe, and she accepted the fact that he would never wake up. In fact, the doctors thought accepting that his currently permanent medical state was the wisest thing Gracie could have done in this terrible time. She had to accept the fact that her father was brain dead. That horrid night was so traumatic that the physical damage influenced his brain to shut off from shock, more or less leaving him trapped. Gracie stared at him, saddened, and her thoughts lingered back through time once again…
The cool air clapped Gracie’s rosy face and her legs were burning with fatigue. She raced down the path of the cemetery and suddenly collapsed at her mother’s headstone. The dampened grass swayed through her fingers. Gracie let out a quiet sniffle and her jaw clenched tightly as she traced her fingers over the carved stone. The air smelled of freshly cut grass and the pollen of flowers. Just four months earlier she had placed calla lilies onto her mother’s casket before they put her in the ground forever.
“Why?” she whispered. Her eyes began to water and her sobs followed soon after. Tears poured down her cheeks. “Why…?” she whimpered. As Gracie lay beside her mother’s headstone her cries grew louder. Her shaking fingers swept over the wet grass at the base of the stone. “Why did you leave me?” Minutes went by until her tears calmed, but they continued to roll down her sideways face and lightly plopped in the grass. “Come back,” she murmured. Dusk arrived abruptly; her sniffy nose was chilled by the stale winter air. “I miss you,” her eyes began to water again. “Daddy doesn’t talk much anymore, he just sits in his room,” Gracie wiped her eyes but the tears kept flowing. “Now that you’re gone, he doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t smile or tease me. You left, mom, and when you did-” Gracie paused and rested her hand on the headstone, “part of him left too.” The breeze traced her skin and began to tangle in her hair, and slowly, she drifted off.
Suddenly, she jolted up and came face to face with two yellow eyes. The moon was awake, parading with the stars. The large raven sat on her mother’s headstone, still as a statue. Confusion sparked in her mind as to why the raven was there. Gracie shivered from the winter wind. Her eyes didn’t leave the two yellow ones in front of her. With time, her fast heartbeats calmed and her thoughts lingered far away from her pain. The raven continued to gaze at her. Both were calm, and for a sliver of time, Gracie seemed relieved. Just like the day of her mother’s funeral, her worries were no longer clawing at her mind and all the anguish she felt just, disappeared.
“Grace!” a voice called from the distance. Startled, Gracie blinked. As she opened her eyes the raven was gone. “I thought I might find you here,” Gracie turned to see her dad standing behind her.
“It was a hard day today. I had to come,” she looked at her dad.
“I know, Grace, I know,” he then sat beside her on the grass. “Your principal called and told me what happened.” Gracie continued to stare at the shadow of her mother’s headstone. She shook her head.
“I’m sorry,” tears began to collect under her eyes. Her father then wrapped his arms around his distraught daughter.
“Don’t be,” he said. Sadness glazed over his eyes and he took a deep breath. “I miss her too.”
Now back in the present, the long hallways weren’t crowded as Gracie sauntered back from the hospital cafeteria. She spent so much time with her quiet father that she nearly forgot to get food and put an end to her rumbling belly. But hospital life had grown to be extremely unsettling for her. Everywhere she turned she was greeted with melancholy faces who had lost hope, though sometimes, and only sometimes, Gracie noticed a glimmer behind someone’s bland eyes. This happened occasionally only because it is very rare, and when Gracie noticed the glimmer she couldn’t resist a smile. Gracie herself wasn’t blessed with that glimmer, but that didn’t mean others shouldn’t be. In fact, those who possessed the upliftingly rare glimmer should cherish it, because it symbolized faith, and Gracie adored that.
Gracie paced around the hospital room, back and forth. At the end of each, lap she stopped to stare at her father lying in the bed. Around her the life support machines beeped in monotone. A year ago, the doctor explained that he would most likely never wake. After the accident there was incredibly little brain activity, not enough for hope. Through time, his brain activity became less and less, turning him into a “vegetable.” At least that’s what Gracie heard the nurses call him every once in a while. Gracie knew all too well that he would never wake up. She knew that he was truly trapped inside his body with no escape. Her heart ached in sadness and regret. She felt responsible for his current medical state. Every day she questioned whether he would still love her, even after that tragic night. Today was Gracie’s eighteenth birthday, in which she could make her own decisions, and with that, her mind slipped back to the night she longed to forget…
The stars were high in the sky hanging with the waning moon. Gracie’s dad opened the front door of his house to see his daughter standing in front of him. Behind her, two policemen towered.
“Grace,” disappointment spread across her dad’s face.
“There was a party, John,” one of the officers said. “This is the last time,” he looked at Gracie and then back to her dad. “Next time we find her breakin’ the law, you’ll have to come to the station.” Her father looked tired and worn.
“I understand, Officer, thank you.” Gracie, induced by alcohol, waddled inside. The officers left and her dad closed the door. Gracie’s hair was a ratted mess and two small circles made an appearance under her heavy eyes.
“What the hell were you thinking?” His voice was stern. Gracie just sat on the couch staring at her feet. She knew from the times before that she was to be chastised. “You weren’t thinking. That’s the problem, Grace. It’s always the problem with you.” He rustled his hands through his rough hair. “It’s time for you to start growing up. You’re smart, Grace. You just gotta use your brain dammit!”
Gracie looked up, “It’s no big deal.”
“No big deal?” anger flowed from his eyes and his brow furrowed. “How, is you acting stupid no big deal? Huh? Tell me!” Gracie shrugged her shoulders. The silence grew between them and her dad sighed. “I need help, Grace,” he paused and stared down at his scuffed shoes. His tone began to calm. “Your mother…well, she was always better at being a parent, I know. Believe me, but I’m trying here, Grace. I’m trying with every ounce I have left.” Gracie looked at her dad and stood up.
“Help you?” she questioned. A seed of fury was planted inside her and she shook her head. “Help me- help me, dad!” the fury started to sprout. “You’re never here, and even when you are, you still aren’t!”
“I just want you to make smart choices,” he said quietly.
“Yeah?” Gracie asked. “Well I just want my dad back.” Her father seemed puzzled and sad. “It’s like you don’t care about me anymore.”
“Of course I do,” he said.
“Then prove it! I’m not a kid anymore so stop treating me like one.”
“For your information, Grace, you are a kid. You’re my kid. You’re my one and only. I’ve already lost your mother and I can’t bear to lose you too. It’s just you and me, bud. You’re all I’ve got and I’m all you have, so start giving me a little more respect.” His voice was harsh. “When you’re eighteen you can make your own decisions, but until then I’m in charge! Got it?”
“God!” Grace exclaimed. “If mom were here-“
“She isn’t!” her dad yelled. “She’s GONE, Grace. It’s time you realize that!” At that moment, he knew he had crossed the line. He could see the distaste in his daughter’s eyes.
“Jesus! You’re such an ass!”
“Grace, I’m so-“ he began to apologize.
“No, dad,” she interrupted. “All you care about is yourself.” She stared at him and bit her lip. “I hate you,” she whispered. Her father stumbled back in shock. His tense shoulders relaxed. Gracie’ heart pounded in her chest, “I hate you, dammit,” this time her tone was stronger. “And I never want to speak to you again!” She noticed the same hollow expression his eyes held at his wife’s funeral a year and a half earlier. Gracie knew instantly that she had chosen the wrong words to say to him. She knew in her heart that she loved him and didn’t mean it, though that feeling was buried by her anger. The estranged silence between them grew more intense as their eyes never left each other. Her father sighed. He knew that she didn’t mean it either, but she said it, and it hurt too much. Without any hesitation he grabbed his jacket.
“I’m going for a walk,” he said, and he left the house. Gracie stormed into her room. Inside her a storming mixture of guilt and anger violently swirled. She would apologize later. She took her shoes off and threw them at her bed. Gracie then looked out her bedroom window into the dark night and two yellow eyes stared into hers. She recognized them. The silhouette of the raven didn’t move. She became lost in its eyes as it seemed to peer into her own damaged soul. Her rapid heartbeats slowly turned into tranquil rhythms. Suddenly, Gracie heard a loud bang from outside. The raven resisted any movement, and after a few short seconds passed, another clamorous bang sounded. She dashed outside.
Gracie’s heart dropped as she raced to her dad. His limp body was lying on the pavement in front of their house. The blinding headlights of a car sped away in the distance. Neighbors came running outside and gasped. Blood was gushing from his abdomen where Gracie knelt next to her father. Her cheeks were soft and soaked with tears pouring down.
“Dad!” she screamed, “Dad!” He wasn’t moving. She put pressure to his gunshot wounds and sat there sobbing into his blood soaked shirt. The police and ambulance arrived in what seemed to be hours for Gracie, but only minutes in reality. Her vision went blurry and she became dizzy. Gracie barely saw the paramedics dashing towards her. They peeled her away from her injured father. Gracie was kicking and screaming, trying to fight her way out of their grip with tears shooting down her face.
“No!” she cried. Her heart felt dead and lifeless, barely beating. She watched as the paramedics took her father into the ambulance. Perched on top of his ambulance was the raven. Gracie glared at it, her hatred seeping through its beady eyes glaring back. Her hatred for the bird spread through her bones like a lit fire. “Go!” she hollered, “Now! Leave!” she picked up some rocks and chucked them at the raven. “I said go!” and finally, the raven flew away.
Back in the hospital, Gracie glanced at her father and listened to the beeping of his heart rate. Her hands were clenched around a bundle of white calla lilies she had bought earlier. The nurse came in once more, but this time the doctor followed. Gracie turned to face them.
“Today is my eighteenth birthday,” she said.
The doctor nodded. “I understand, Grace. You’ve had a while to mull this through your brain. You are aware that this cannot be undone once I start, correct?” Gracie nodded. “This is a huge decision for you to make,” he looked at her dad. “Are you entirely sure this is what you want to do?” Gracie gazed out the window. The sun was hidden behind the clouds and she sighed. Then, she caught a glimpse of two familiar eyes. The raven was perched on a nearby tree. It stared at her, like always, though she wasn’t anxious. If anything, she felt stronger. Her beating heart calmed and she glanced back to the raven which was still perched on the outside tree. Taking a deep breath Gracie turned back to the doctor.
“I’m entirely sure,” she said. The doctor nodded in understanding. He wasn’t at all surprised. It was the most practical thing Gracie could do. He walked to her father’s bed. The nurse took Gracie’s hand in hers, her warm, still fingers wrapped around Gracie’s shaking ones.
“Please Grace,” the nurse started. “I see it all the time. Don’t do something you’ll later regret.” Gracie gave a small smile of assurance. Her head rung and her heart seemed to have a stampede inside, yearning to beat faster.
“Thank you, but with all due respect ma’am,” she paused and looked at her father lying motionless on his bed. “I already have.” The doctor then proceeded to turn off her father’s machines and ventilator. One by one they were powered down, leaving his seemingly lifeless body, truly lifeless. The nurse and the doctor then carefully left the room leaving Gracie and her dying father together alone. Tears rolled down her cheek and fell onto the side of his bed. For the last time, she entangled her small dainty hand into his large, lifeless one. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “You’re my one and only.” She then placed a bundle of white calla lilies onto his chest. “I love you, dad, forever and always.” Gracie finally glanced out the window, and the raven flew away.