Dear Superintendent Williams,

As I watched this evening’s Island News broadcast on channel 65 about your decision not to cancel classes today despite the volcano-earthquake-tsunami-tornado-hurricane-monster attack that hit Pearl City, a couple of thoughts crossed my mind. While viewing videos of surfboards, pineapples, and hula instructors flying by at 137 miles per hour, it occurred to me that it just might have been a bad idea to keep schools open in the Pearl District.
It may also be reasonable to delay the opening of school tomorrow. I mean, the buses (if there are any left) will have to deal with either outright missing roads or being chased around by a 300-foot-high reptile which could be easily attracted by moving objects. Additionally, it seems to me that in the pouring rain and lightning storms expected tomorrow morning, it would be difficult to learn in buildings with the roofs missing, as will be the case for 98% of the schools in your district. Just a thought.

Moreover, as most of Pearl City floated away into the Pacific, I was informed that the 4th grade classes at Fredson Elementary School are scheduled to take a field trip tomorrow to the city’s Popcorn Hall and Jell-O Museum. I’m sure everyone would still be happy to visit those sites if you could find where they floated off to. However, given the improbability of that happening, I suggest that the trip be canceled.
At one point, I distinctly remember this evening’s broadcast switching to footage of what used to be your office. In case you were wondering, it appears that angry parents have burned down what was left of it after most of it was flooded, torn from the earth by a tornado, and swallowed by Godzilla.
Given your performance today, I feel that you don’t fully understand the problems confronting teachers in such difficult times. To fix that, I suggest you go visit one of your schools. May I suggest Ridgeville High? It’s currently sitting in the lava flows right outside the city limits.

Please don’t think I’m being too hasty and accusatory, Superintendent. You have done an excellent job this year, managing the impressive achievement of getting nearly every member of your staff to loathe your presence within the first week of your term in office, or so I’m told. You’ve also managed to lower district test scores by 20%. Perhaps you think that test scores work like golf scores. I trust you’re accustomed to that game’s method of scoring since you reportedly play so often.
But I digress; I would like to congratulate you for your extreme perseverance in not promoting silly things in your district such as emergency weather closures, student safety, or common sense. In summary, you are fired. Aloha.

Sincerely yours in the interest of children,
Steve K