I don't want to exist. In the grand scheme of things I don't matter. In a universe where everything is matter, nothing matters. The universe was created without the help of man, and when it is destroyed it will take with it every trace of man. Someday it won't matter if I did my English homework freshman year, or if I took AP calculus in high school or if I raise a family. Nothing will matter when matter is reconfigured.

So why do people push so hard to achieve the best? Money rules today's society with an iron fist, and I want to ask 'who cares?' but I already know the answer is everyone. What I don't know is why though. Isn't it better to just live and be happy than to live in hopes of never dying. There is no reason for high school students to becomes suicidal when they are less than a quarter of the way through their life. There is no reason for anyone to become suicidal really, but it happens every few seconds. Why is life being taken so seriously when it is so short?

I know I ask a lot, but I want knowledge. I want someone to sit me down and explain why things are the way they are without making reference to religion. I want to listen and understand, but these things are so abstract to the human mind that answers cannot be configured.

What is the meaning of life?

Asked by the oldest of philosophers, this time old question still has no answer, and it never will. The meaning continuously changes and varies from person to person. New age philosopher Hannah Montana said it best, "Life's what you make it,". People have spent centuries making life a competition, and I understand the need for some competition, but when it becomes as serious as it is people start to quit. Let's be real, who wants to keep playing a game they can't win? People exit the game but there is no reset option. It's just game over.

People wanting to quit the game eternally must give some indication of how flawed the system is. The recent updates suck, but there are no designers to alter the plot. The game is self-propelled and the wealthy lead the charge. Tell me, please, why do so few people get to set the standard when it is so unachievable to most?

I've come to expect very little from life. I could give you a list of all the good things in my life a mile long, and I can give you the opposite. As a whole, my life is pretty balanced, and is capable of shifting either way. It is currently taking a negative turn, but there is still good sprinkled in. I want to do so much with my life. I want to learn as much as I possibly can about things I like. I want to grow old with a brain full of knowledge and a heart full of love. I don't want to be miserable for most of my life, but that is the design of the game.

I wish I could see space contract. I want to see the Andromeda Galaxy collide with our Milky Way. I want our planet to be torn atom by atom, and I want those atoms to be redistributed and settle in a way that allows for regrowth. I don't want it to be like this, I want improvement. I like to think of the universe as the blood in a body. The Big Bang is the beat of the heart, and the universe expands and flows through the body, eventually to return for another bang. It helps put the endless enormity of space into perspective. It slows the movement while showing how  fast things change.

I know this is pointless and a little ironic, but everything is done for a reason, even if the reason is stupid to me. People hold God accountable for their  actions, claiming his word is gospel. These same people then blame Satan for the bad in the world instead of holding people accountable for their actions. I think I understand though. If sophomore year has taught me anything, it's that religion gives hope. That's why it has become such a huge problem in my opinion. It started out giving hope for life after death and giving people a reason to behave, but it has evolved into people making excuses to hate when their 'leader' only advocated and practiced love. The hypocrisy hurts.

It's okay though. My life will be over in the blink of an eye. College, dating, marriage, and maybe children will all pass and I'll be old and gray before I know it. My existence only takes up a fraction of the Earth's time. I won't live long after my time, but I will have existed. Whether I like it or not, I will exist.