Chapter 1:

Have you ever been to a water fountain?

Have you ever walked away from it, with a bitter, metallic taste?

And you wonder what that is, but you're too afraid to ask?

That's how it is your whole school career.

Wondering what's in the water.

In most cases, you can drown the taste away with some childhood obesity brand soda pop.

But in a few cases, it's different.

Have you ever sat in a classroom, and thought the walls were breathing?

Have you ever sat in a classroom and realized that you're tasting with your eyeballs?

Then you think about that metallic taste in the water.

Oh yeah, it starts setting in.

Well, not to fear. Unless you go to my high school, it's just a metallic taste.

Probably copper from 20 year old pipes.

But if you're in my high school...

You might just be tripping balls.

That's where I come in.

You're friendly neighborhood peer counselor

Petey Keys at your service.

Chapter 2 :

Have you ever counted a fan blade for an hour?

Woosh. Woosh. Woosh. For an hour?

That's all I do.

I sit in a little room covered in blue because it's calming.

With a picture of a dolphin.

You heard that right. A. Dolphin.

This is the peer counseling office. Where students help students.

Outside is the secretary's desk.

I have never seen her do an ounce of work in her entire over-lip-sticked life.

All she does is sit on her computer, looking up pictures of kittens.

She also pops her gum.

Have you ever heard nothing but popping gum for an hour?

Pop. Crack. Pop. Crack. For an hour?

I'm supposed to be helping people.

Honestly, it's what I signed up to do. I really like helping people.

But no one goes to the peer counselor's office.

So I sit here, after my homework.

Woosh. Pop. Crack. Woosh. Pop. Crack.

A little symphony from hell.

The stupid little dolphin just laughs at me.

I really, really want something to do.

Someone to help.

But I can't make an entire school go mentally ill.

So what's a peer counselor supposed to do?

Nothing. That's the answer.

But sit here, tapping his toes to the wonderful sounds.

The sounds of Woosh. Pop. Crack.

Woosh.

Chapter 3 :

One day, I actually had someone that needed help.

Actually, I don't know what they needed.

A guy sat there. His hippie hair hung there.

Everything just hung there.

He was staring 2 inches away from a spot on my desk.

Like he could see whole universes in it.

His eyes kept getting wide and buggy and stuff.

Really weird.

Have you ever seen someone like that?

Someone that you know ain't right in the head?

But I was so overjoyed to have someone there.

It could have been a pedophile rapist with the strength of 5 men.

And I would have gladly opened the door to fix his life on my lunch hour.

"Um, can I help you?" I asked.

He looked up slowly.

"Yeah".

He held the "ah" for a good 6 seconds.

"What's up?"

"There's a demon inside me."

I stopped short. I had to bite my tongue not to laugh.

Ever bitten your tongue hard enough to bleed?

"Where-uh, where is this monster?" I asked.

I don't know, what else would you say?

"In...my head." A piece of paper fell out of his trip pants.

It had a clown on it, spread over a bunch of little squares.

And three of them were missing.

"What is this?" I asked, I held it up to his face.

The kid smiled. "Dude...that's my religious experience right there"

"What is this stuff?"

"Dude, it's some acid, calm down, can we worry about the monster in my head?"

"The monster is whatever the hell this is"

They told us what to do if a person is on drugs.

I'm supposed ask to excuse myself, and talk to the secretary, who would call the police.

I put the clown sheet in my pocket.

I went and talked to the secretary.

Pop. Crack. Pop. Crack. Ok.

Cop comes down, realizes he's on LSD, and arrests him.

The kid starts whacking out.

"Dude, that kid has my clown, give me my clown back"

The cop just cuffed him and kept walking.

And just like that, I had my answer.

How to make an entire school go mentally ill.

If I could make everyone act like this guy, I bet I'd have a lot more business.


Chapter 4 :

That sounded like a really short little sound bite.

But that's exactly what happened.

Dramatizing it to the point where Clint Eastwood would sob would do no good.

So now, I had my plan.

But how was I supposed to make every person in a high school start tripping acid?

I would have to slip it too them somehow.

Have you ever thought of a plan so deep, you got a headache?

Well, yeah, I got one from this plan.

I didn't work in the lunch.

I wasn't part of student consul.

No way to get 3000 kids to drop acid.

Until a water main broke near the main offices, and I had to go shut off the main water supply.

That was a little blessing in disguise.

The water main.

It leads to every water fountain in this school.

The toilets, the sinks, the fire hoses.

Every drop of water came from this basin in front of me.

I could infuse the entire school with some major trippage.

Have you ever some to an epiphany, and couldn't stop smiling?

Like your face was stuck in stone?

Man, is that a great feeling.

Chapter 5 :

Have you ever wondered what humans are made out of?

The Top 4 are Oxygen, Carbon, Hydrogen, and Nitrogen.

Except for 0.000000002.

Scientists have yet to figure out what this little gap is.

Some argue it's an unknown chemical.

Have you ever wondered what LSD is made out of?

The formula for it is C20 H25 N3 O.

Carbon, Hydrogen, Nitrogen and Oxygen.

You can find all this information on the internet.

Seriously, it's everywhere.

And what does a peer counselor start to do on his off time?

Look up information on acid.

Hippies did some strange stuff with this acid.

They would put it in Jell-o, or other forms, like tablets.

Neat stuff.

Some would mix it with Kool-Aid for a whole party.

There is information on how many "blotters" to use, stuff like that.

It used to be you had to get information from your neighborhood screw-up.

The ones you're parents wouldn't let you go near.

But now, you can just pull up a web-page.

Have you ever been amazed by that?

It also tells the effects, fellow acid-head testimonials.

How many blotters per gallon of water.

Put that in a factor conversion and smoke it.

Slowly, I learned, and based a plan, and a controlled experiment began.

Typically, if you're looking for party punch, its 10 sheets per gallon.

That's not blots. That's whole sheets.

That could kill an elephant. Or make him think he's Marylin Monroe, either way.

I would start with 10 blots per basin.

Slowly, ever so slowly, my plan began to begin.

Have you ever loved when that happens?

Chapter 6 :

I started adding more and more blots to the water.

And nothing happened.

I finally realized that the people still didn't know I existed.

Tripping or not.

So I studied into what attracts acid-heads.

Apparently, it's the Wizard of Oz.

I kid you not.

Ruby slippers, winding yellow roads, horses changing colors.

The whole nine yards.

Acid-Heads love it. Major.

So I started putting up signs, with my name as "the Wizard".

I mean, after all, I am the one with the acid.

The green glasses.

Why the hell can't I be the Wizard?

Within the first day, I had 10 people all in my office.

They were all just high enough to sense things, but not enough to know they're high.

It was perfect.

You tend to need a peer counselor when a teacher has lizards coming out of his eyeballs.

Or when your pencils were telling you to kill the guy sitting in front of you.

So, they came to me, and I listened to their problems.

I had a back-up plan. According to a ton of acid-heads, orange juice helps.

It's probably a mind-over-matter thing, but orange juice.

So, I had a ton of it on hand for my patients.

It seemed to brighten them up, make them more active, awake.

Whatever word you want.

I was able to control my high school's sanity all of a sudden.

Have you ever needed a word and couldn't think of it?

What does that make me?

I don't know, but I was helping these people.

That's what I was doing.

These people were dire mental stress and I was helping them out of it.

This was what I was wanting to do.

Have you ever tipped the circumstances in your favor?

Honestly, I gave them some orange juice, and they were fine.

Problem solved.


Chapter 7 :

I sat in the office.

Pop. Crack. Woosh.

Pop. Crack. Woosh.

People hadn't shown up in 3 days.

I was beginning to think I was needing to add more paper to the water.

But maybe not. If there was no one to help right now, I wouldn't force it.

I know that sounds hypocritical right at the moment, but I'm serious.

I finally had a girl walk in, and sit down.

She was shaking, but not like cold.

More like fear.

Which makes sense if you think the toilets are trying to suck you into hell.

But she shouldn't have been shivering anyway, she had this really heavy coat on.

I asked her to come in,

I shut the door

I asked what I could do for her.

She unbutton her coat and dropped it the floor.

Apparently, the coat was the only thing she had been wearing.

I chocked on a soda I was drinking and sat up.

Admittedly, this wasn't a half bad looking girl.

But was this the tripping?

Probably so.

I put my hand to the side of my head and turn.

I asked her to please put her coat back on.

"Do you not like my body?" she asked.

Have you ever been torn so far between what is right and what you want?

I had to answer truthfully.

"Yes, I do, now please put your coat back on"

"I want to give birth to the second coming master, do I not please you?"

Oh my god, what the hell was this chick saying?

I stood up.

"Lady, I am not your master, you need to get dressed and leave"

"You are our god, you have provided the true vision"

I stared stunned at the words. "Who told you I was a god?"

"He have a church now, we are on the cliff"

"You mean Hoffman's Point?"

"Here is an invitation, but you don't need one"

She handed me a piece of paper.

She put her coat back on and turned.

"My offer still stands, sir"

And she walked out of the office.

The piece of paper had the Emerald City on it.

Clever.

Apparently, the Wizard was being asked back to the city.


Chapter 8 :

You have never heard of the Church of Keys.

You probably never will, if I hadn't told you.

Have you ever had a church after you?

Probably not.

The thing is, I had nothing to do with this church.

Acid-Heads really don't say things that make sense.

They think they make sense.

Have you ever thought you made sense?

Have you ever not made sense?

I had no idea about this church.

This was not supposed to happen.

I was supposed to help people, not be their god.

They held meetings every Friday on a coastline near the school.

Said the crashing waves put them in time with nature.

Seriously, some weird stuff.

Have you ever been in time with nature?

Didn't think so.

This continued to grow and grow until 1/3 of the student population was a member.

All of them swaying, praising me for opening their eyes.

This is what humans are made of.

Some people claim to have a religious experience on LSD.

Some talk to their higher power.

Apparently, I am their religious experience.

This is horrible.

This is all wrong.

Have you ever had that sinking feeling?


Chapter 9 :

Well, like any good Wizard.

I showed up that Friday.

Have you ever seen 1000 people?

All waving their hands in time with the sea below?

It was some weird stuff.

But the acid should have been out of their system weeks ago.

This didn't make sense.

Until I looked it up on the internet.

Acid stays in the system forever.

I had screwed these people up for the rest of their lives.

This is what humans are made of.

And I had done it.

This was all wrong.

I only wanted to help people.

The same girl ran up once she saw me.

"You're seat is up front, sir" she motioned towards a semi-ripped lawn chair in the front.

This was my throne

These were my people.

Have you ever had that sinking feeling?

That something wasn't right?

I sat into the seat, as group of peers bowed to me.

That's when their voices began to sound like beeps.

Then all I could hear was beeps.

Then someone shook me


Chapter 10 :

"Hello, Mr. Keys, welcome back"

A doctor was strapping me to a stretcher.

I was all of a sudden in a hospital.

I looked around.

"Wait...where are the people, what the hell man, where are the students?"

"You've been in the hospital for 3 days, son, I really don't know what people you're talking about" the doctor wrote something on his chart. Dr. Roberts was his name.

I laid there, looking up at the stucco ceiling.

I never did any acid. Was that?

The students? The acid? The Church?

All of it was in my head?

Have you ever felt like you were losing your mind?

I stayed there, eating the food.

I didn't have a roommate, so it was pretty quiet.

I watched TV. Took the medication they gave me.

Another doctor came in the third day of my treatment.

"Hello, Mr. Keys, how are we feeling today?"

"Pretty good, Dr.-" I looked at his name tag

Dr. Roberts.

I laughed.

"You two must get that a lot"

"Excuse me?"

"The Dr. Roberts thing, you guys share a last name."

"Yeah..but people around here deal with it pretty well"

He closed the chart and walked out.

I stayed there for another couple of days.

Finally a nurse came to take me to my parent's car outside.

I realized my parents hadn't been in to see me.

I got in the wheelchair, and the nurse began to wheel me down.

"Well, thank you Nurse, I appreciate it"

We rolled to the door.

"My name's not Nurse." she said, laughing.

"Oh," I replied, "what is it?"

"Roberts." she said, "Nurse Roberts"

I jolted out of the wheelchair. Two?

Maybe. But three people in the same hospital?

I looked around, hundreds of white lab coats passed me.

All with Roberts.

I ran past the automatic doors into the street.

There was only one way to know.

A taxi came headed right for me, I braced for the impact.


Chapter 11 :

I woke up on top of three other people.

The sound of the crashing sea in time with the snoring of the group.

Had that been the high? Had I gotten contact high from these people?

Have you ever been terrified to the point of not letting go?

I slowly got off the ground.

Half the people in the group were naked, I looked down.

Luckily, I still had my clothes on.

Thank god.

Apparently, my life had gotten so weird that I was tripping normalcy.

I was tripping normal.

Have you ever wondered how weird your life has gotten?

I walked home, I had no idea what time it was.

I felt buzzed.

Have you ever felt like you could punch through brick?

I got into my bed, and crashed again.

No dreams this time, I just woke up the next morning.

Got dressed.

Then went to school.

I stopped putting blotters in the water supply.

I walked into the office.

There was the secretary.

Looking up pictures of kittens.

Pop. Crack. Pop.

I went to the paper and signed in.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

I turned, "No, I'm good, just signing in."

"For what?"

I turned, "for peer consoling, I'm here every day at 3rd hour?"

"Oh, that's right"

Pop. Crack. Pop.

I turned. Her head seemed a little bigger today.

Could be the hairdo.

Pop. Crack. Pop.

I turned around again.

Her head began to expand bigger and bigger.

Pop. Crack.

Her head exploded, covering me in brain matter.


Chapter 12:

And then I woke up in my bed.

Oh crap.

Have you ever had that dream, within a dream, within a dream?

What was the trip?

How did I know?

Then I looked on the internet.

It turns out, the only way to return to reality is to push the illusion too far.

That's why I woke up when I got hit by the car at the hospital.

I ran down to the kitchen, and grabbed a knife.

I held it at my own neck.

Then dropped it.

What if this wasn't tripping?

Have you ever felt like you're losing your mind?

What if I was in reality now?

What if I was killing myself for real.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

There was one way.

Only one way to knock myself out of an illusion.

Or die trying.

I put on my coat.

I had a shoreline to be at.

Chapter 13 :

I stood there at the end of Hoffman's Point

My toes curled over the edge of the ridge.

The waves crashed below.

This was what my life had come down to.

This was what humans are made of.

I stood there, watching the water.

Waiting for something to look different.

Any reason why I shouldn't do what I'm about to do.

Woosh. Pop. Crack.

It was chilly.

I put my hands in my coat pocket

I felt a piece of paper. The blotter paper.

I remembered the kid that started this all.

I stole his clown.

Have you ever been to a water fountain?

Have you ever walked away from it, with a bitter, metallic taste?

And you wonder what that is, but you're too afraid to ask?

That's where I come in.

Petey Keys at your service.

Humans are made of Carbon, Oxygen, Nitrogen and Hydrogen.

Except for 0.000000002.

Some argue that it's an unknown element.

Some argue that it's the human soul.

This was what humans were made of.

I remembered the kid that started this all

"There's a demon inside me"

Well, take a number kid. We all have them.

Hell, all that could have been a trip too.

I curled my toes over the edge of the cliff.

I am a believer of good people doing bad things

I am a believer in altered states.

I am a believer in the human soul.

I placed three blotters, enough to kill an elephant, on my tongue.

And waited for the waves below.