Vegans

6:00 am: Ah what a beautiful morning. Deer prancing, rabbits hopping. Such a wonderful sight even though I’m basically killing them! Oops! They can find their own plants to eat, this vegan needs her fruit and veggies! Why are all these herbivores stealing my food anyways? Guess I better steal it back and make myself a nice bowl of grass. Oh how I love eating things once covered in dirt. Who knows, maybe i’ll get the patch of grass where cows did their business...if I’m lucky. Lol. Anyways time to make my way to the meat eating infestation called school.

7:20 am: First period has just started and my bowl of grass from this morning has not filled me. Maybe if I ate an actual meal I wouldn’t be hungry, but that’s just nonsense. I mean my health isn’t that important right? My friend just offered me a bite of her bacon, egg, and cheese. Although that looks delicious and smells like heaven, I refuse to ingest such a thing. I will admit to only myself that meat does look amazing sometimes, but I cannot let the public know! All my vegan friends will think i’m a traitor!

9:25 am: I’m on my way to art class and as I pass by the cafeteria I smell the chicken nuggets. Homemade crispy deliciousness. But then my herd of vegans walk by me and I have to gag. They cannot know I enjoy the smell of beaten up, tortured chickens molded into nugget form. As I gag, they gag back. It’s like a our signature call to one another, it’s how we communicate in our herd of trashy,animal food stealing vegans! Well now i’ve finally made it to art and guess what we’re painting...fruit! This is my time to shine. Since I’m a vegan and all, i’m the only one who knows everything about fruit. It’s basically my specialty. Those meat eating suckers don’t know one thing about the common fruit. I guess I’m just too smart for them. Afterall, veganism makes you more intelligent!

10:45 am: Ugh, lunchtime. The worst part of the day for any vegan. Why can’t this prison just serve super creamy one pot pasta with coconut milk and red curry paste. Is that so hard to ask? I mean jeez it’s not that complicated. We as vegans are not difficult to deal with...you just have to give us what we want and we’ll be fine! Whatever this school will never appreciate us and our constant complaints about serving stupid meat. So not fair. They should either make everyone eat like vegans or just shouldn’t serve food at all! That’s the only fair way to do it. We feel discriminated during lunch and the only way to solve that is to feed everyone vegan style. I will get what I want when I want it because I’m vegan! The school won’t fight back because they are afraid of me and what i’m capable of. Vegans are stubborn, nasty fighters and won’t take no for an answer. Don’t mess with these grass eating dirt lovers. We aren’t strong because all we eat is trash but that doesn’t matter in a fight, right?

2:00 pm: It’s finally the end of the day and i’m walking home since I’m vegan and vegans are nature lovers, even though we’re thieves to animals hahaha! Anyways, as I’m making my way i notice some acorns on the ground. Don’t mind if I do! Even though acorns aren’t really human food, I still get to ruin a squirrels day like I do with every other living creature! Vegans supposedly love their animals but here’s a secret, we actually don’t care at all. I’m not eating meat for them, I do it to get the attention. Some people think I’m so brave and courageous for changing my lifestyle just to help save poor little animals. Hahaha they thought. What we really do is steal all their food on purpose so they suffer. Why should I care what happens to them, I’m human and I’m more important so I get first dibs.

3:00 pm: I’ve finally made it home safe and sound. My journey here was very tough, squirrels kept chasing me angrily and I don’t even know why! All I did was steal the only food they need to survive! Like get over yourself, the world doesn’t revolve around you...on a side note, If my mom doesn’t make me beluga lentils caviar for dinner I’m gonna scream. My family has to change their diet just so I don’t get upset, how sweet are they. I mean it’s not like they have a choice, this is my world and they’re just living in it. Pleasing a vegan can be very hard so kudos to them even though they are terrible at giving me what I want.

3:50 pm: Oh my it’s almost four o’clock, looks like it’s getting late. Vegans get tired very fast since we don’t get the right nutrients that normal people get from meat! Oh well! Now time to go eat dinner...wish my mom luck!