November 19, 1970, East Berlin I was walking home from my night shift as an East Berlin wall guard. It was currently 2:30 am when I was returning home with my semi-auto handgun in my back pocket. I had to threaten a civilian today with my firearm because they were looking at the wall for a period of time. I decided to yell at that young boy to back away from the wall or I will fire at him. The boy was getting awfully suspicious, my commander once told me if someone ever looks at the wall for a period of time they might try to escape and that's not what we want. I had to yell at the civilian again and decided to charge at him. I pulled him away from staring and pushed him away. I felt sorry for what I just did but I knew it was my job that I had to commit to.

My military teachers told me to have zero respect for the resident in Berlin except for my fellow soldiers and commanders. They said my commanders were my teachers showing me how to protect our spectacular country. I was taught by my commander that civilians here were to be protected or die going against us.

My shift at the wall had ended so now it was time to return to my five-story apartment building. My apartment was on the ground floor with my family.  My family and I were obligated to live on this level in case there was a traitor in the building trying to escape. If I were to catch them in the act of escaping, I would have to bring them into custody. When I walked into my apartment I was greeted by my father.  He said, “hello Stefan” and I said, “Hello Father”. I do not have the best relationship with my father. Eight years ago, one year after the wall went up, my father forced me to be in the military. At first, I was begging, crying, and rebelling against him for me to join but he put me in the academy anyways. Ever since then my commander has slapped me in shape, literally, to become a soldier. Now each day I have to take 19-hour shifts to raise money for my family. I wish I didn't have to work this long but my father is forcing me saying I owe them for raising me.  

I had no siblings but I have a mother who worked for 7 hours a day. She worked as a teacher for elementary school students. My father and she did not get along too well. Personally, I think he is too strict and giving her no freedom. I would prefer if they did not fight since we are already in difficult times in the country. My father hasn't been too kind to me either. He says he doesn't want me to go to college but instead to defend our country. The reason why he won't ship me off to college is that he is saying the army should be your school teaching you how to be a loyal military personnel. So now I look at the bright side for defending the country repeating what my father said saying I should be grateful for just being able to live here and I should protect it so it can last forever.

I have to say with my positive attitude that I have enjoyed doing my same daily routine every single day. Wake up at 6:30 am for my 7:00 am shift at the wall, wash my face, put my uniform on, eat breakfast, attend my shift for the wall, come home at 2 am, eat and sleep. My military buddies and I don't typically eat lunch when guarding the wall because our commander says if someone escapes while we are eating and not paying attention to the wall we will be punished badly. My commander says he expects us to be here every single day for the rest of our lives unless the wall comes down or there is nothing else to guard. So I guess that is my whole future planned out right in front of me.

When walking over to my nineteen-hour shift at the wall I was eager to patrol today. There was no particular reason except for the fact it was a beautiful day out and there were very limited clouds in the atmosphere. It was a perfect day to be walking around for so long. When I got to my patrolling section there where a group of four people by the death strip sitting next to it. To me, it looked like a protest which I’ve gotten in the past so I decided to yell at them to move it along. Like the other boy from yesterday, they wouldn't budge. I started to get frustrated, so I pushed them over on their sides yelling at them to back away or I would have to use force. Then when I looked into there eyes they were all weeping. I then stopped in my tracks thinking of what I was doing. The next thing I knew I saw other civilians staring at me tormenting these people for simply staring at the wall. “I was just doing what I was told to,” I thought to myself. “What could I be doing wrong?” My father and my commanders told me this was the right thing to do but was this really true? My fellow soldiers came on rushing over yelling at the now sobbing people on the ground to go away in ten seconds or they will be arrested and punished; they didn’t listen. The next thing I knew the soldiers brought them to a truck that just shortly arrived and they were thrown in. I felt as if I did something wrong. By now the whole world was staring at us. I was petrified of what I'd seen but I knew this is what should be expected so I tried going along with my day.

Towards the end of the day when the other soldiers and I were leaving our shifts, they spoke to me about what happened. I had to act tough because that's how we were supposed to act. I simply said I was giving them a death stare so they would get up. They laughed at my response and left without saying goodbye. They only just kept on laughing leaving me alone in the dark. Once again I was thinking to myself what happened. “Every single person was there just watching me”. They knew they couldn't protest what we were doing our harm would come their way. Why where are the people protesting crying? Was it because they wished they were outside the wall?” “Why would they want to be outside of the wall my whole life my father and commanders told me in this wall was the best place imaginable.” “Was I wrong?” These questions stayed with me for the whole night. It was hard to shake them away because I have never been looked right in the eye by crying people like that before. Also what was stuck in my head was the thought of all of the civilians staring at the force of us exterminating them from there weeping spot on the ground. I wondered what was wrong with the people today?

“Today is a new day,” I thought to myself when waking up. I saw my mother getting ready for her job while I appeared across the room to see my father laying across the sofa ready for his only activity of the day which was reading the paper. I was hoping today wouldn't be the same as the previous day. The air smelled damp when I walked outside of my apartment. When arriving at my same patrolling area since the beginning of my career as a soldier there were now what seemed to be a hoard of fifty people all together where the incident happened yesterday. They must have just got there when the previous soldier left to switch spots with me otherwise they would have been yelled at to go away. When they looked at me with their fearful eyes they threw bottles at the wall. That second the whole world lit up in a second. There was now a huge hole in the Berlin wall and fifty so people running towards it. Grey dust filled the air which went in my eyes and it made my vision blurry. The next move I did was the only thing I've been told I was good at doing… defending. I pulled out my firearm and started spraying the people with death bullets. During this time my emotions were pouring out of all of my previous actions towards people who were conflicting with the wall. Every bullet I fired felt as if my emotions were spraying out on the people. Thirty seconds later everything stopped. It seems to be that there were eighty soldiers firing at the runners. Every single one of the escapees was down. The event has now forever scarred me. I now knew the problem from the event two days ago. The people weren't the problem, it was me.

After the mess was cleared up from yesterday I now had to protect a wall with a hole in it that reminded me of the incident. Five-foot high barbed wire covered some of the cracks that remand from the explosion just in case if someone tried to escape they would get tangled in it. Not one sole was near here today. I could barely stand, still in shock on what has happened yesterday. I felt as if I should stop my duty as a soldier and have for once a normal job. I now thought to myself, ever since I came out of military school I never wished I could have a normal job again, well now I do. I now know that they brainwashed me into thinking I was doing the right thing even though I wasn't. I now can think after seeing what I have seen from hurting people for eight long consecutive years and that it is now time to stop. Without think, I stood in my steps and dropped my gun. I was now having a death wish come true. No one else was around so it was the perfect time to do the impossible. I ran for the wall and the barbed wire. Right, when the barbed wire was in front of me I leaped right over it and ran. It seemed to have been a miracle but it happened. As I was running to nowhere I felt sorry for my mother for having to leave her with my abusive, neglecting father. I hope she could forgive me, but now I have to find my future.