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The Promise

December 21, 2016
By SeekJustice BRONZE, Goulburn, Other
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SeekJustice BRONZE, Goulburn, Other
1 article 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose.&quot; --Jim Elliot<br /> <br /> &quot;And what does the Lord require of you? To Seek Justice, Love Mercy and Walk Humbly with your God.&quot; Micah 6:8

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Jack gripped his rifle in ill concealed terror as the shrieking sound grew deafening. A moment later a thunderous boom rang across no-man’s-land, blinding heat washed over him and his eyes were dazzled by a red flash.
He wiped the sweat from his brow, then he glanced across at Paddy, who stood beside him on the firing step, waiting for the order.
Paddy’s face was deathly pale, but Jack realised his own hands were shaking as he gripped his rifle. “Promise me something, Jack.” He whispered hoarsely.
“Promise you what, Paddy?” Jack replied shortly.
“If I die, you’ll look after Mam for me.”
Jack tried to laugh, though terror still clawed at him, “You won’t die, Paddy. You and me, we’ll get through this.”
“Jack-”
“Yes, I promise!” Jack snapped, more harshly than he meant too. “If you die, I’ll do that.”

 

Eerie silence had fallen over no-man’s-land. Jack was stumbling through the mud and thick fog, stumbling over bodies and hissing as loud as he dared, “Paddy? Paddy! Where are you?”
He tripped in a shell hole and fell, then he heard a faint, raspy voice.
“Jack?”
Jack scrambled to his feet and knelt in the mud beside his best friend. “Paddy! Oh, Paddy, I’m sorry, I-”
“Jack,” whispered the weak, but urgent, voice of his friend. “Jack, you’ll write to Mam, won’t you?”
Jack stared at Paddy’s pale, mud-streaked face, his heart breaking, “Paddy-”
“You made a promise, Jack. Mam will be heartbroken when she hears. Look after her, please. You promised me you would.”
Jack nodded, tears trickling down his face, “I know. I’ll do that.” He gripped Paddy’s hand, and there, surrounded by the dead of no-man’s-land, vowed to himself that for as long as Paddy’s mam lived, she would never be alone.

© Jordana W., Harmony, MN

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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 10 comments.

SeekJustice BRONZE said...
on May. 29 2018 at 11:21 pm
SeekJustice BRONZE, Goulburn, Other
1 article 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose.&quot; --Jim Elliot<br /> <br /> &quot;And what does the Lord require of you? To Seek Justice, Love Mercy and Walk Humbly with your God.&quot; Micah 6:8

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Thank you so much :D I really appreciate your comment!
CompoundArcher GOLD said...
on May. 29 2018 at 3:27 pm
CompoundArcher GOLD, Broomfield, Colorado
13 articles 2 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I Have Not Failed. I've Just Found 10, 000 Ways That Something Won't Work." Thomas Edison<br /> <br /> "Surely this world-so beautifully diversified in its forms and motions-could not have arisen except from the perfectly free will of God, who provides and governs all things." Roger Cotes<br /> <br /> "Don't doubt the Creator, because it is inconceivable that accidents alone could be the controller of this universe.'' Isaac Newton<br /> <br /> "In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." Abraham Lincoln

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As a short story, you did provide a good amount of info and emotion, but I think if you were to connect the reader with the two characters and maybe add a flashback, it would give a bigger impact. ' Overall I think you did great! You really captured my attention and I appreciate that. Great piece!
addictwithapen PLATINUM said...
on Aug. 14 2017 at 12:55 pm
addictwithapen PLATINUM, Norfolk, Virginia
21 articles 14 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I&#039;m at it again as an addict with a pen.&quot; - twenty one pilots, addict with a pen

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This is well-written and your grammar is solid. The only problem is that it feels more like a scene from a book than a story on its own. Though I, as a reader, do find myself caring about the characters, the events would have a much more profound impact if the reader were more familiar with them. I recommend that you make this part of a longer story, with this at the end. Otherwise, great work!
WolfWhisperer0911 BRONZE said...
on Jun. 10 2017 at 10:00 pm
WolfWhisperer0911 BRONZE, Austin, Texas
1 article 0 photos 623 comments
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@SeekJustice No problem! I am hurt right now and after writing that, I felt bad about what I said. But, thank you for helping my story! :)
SeekJustice BRONZE said...
on Jun. 9 2017 at 7:21 pm
SeekJustice BRONZE, Goulburn, Other
1 article 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose.&quot; --Jim Elliot<br /> <br /> &quot;And what does the Lord require of you? To Seek Justice, Love Mercy and Walk Humbly with your God.&quot; Micah 6:8

View profile
Thank you so much for your critique, I appreciate it. :D
SeekJustice BRONZE said...
on Jun. 9 2017 at 7:20 pm
SeekJustice BRONZE, Goulburn, Other
1 article 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose.&quot; --Jim Elliot<br /> <br /> &quot;And what does the Lord require of you? To Seek Justice, Love Mercy and Walk Humbly with your God.&quot; Micah 6:8

View profile
Thanks so much for your critique! Yes, I do agree that it needs more imagery and depth, however I originally wrote it from a competition and the word limit was 300 words. I will work on that though.
WolfWhisperer0911 BRONZE said...
on Jun. 8 2017 at 9:03 pm
WolfWhisperer0911 BRONZE, Austin, Texas
1 article 0 photos 623 comments
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@SeekJustice I love the plot of this story, and there is some advice I will extremely recommend on. First of all, just like what @valkyrie1212 said, I noticed that there lacking of imagery AND character development, it was like you just threw the character in the face without having to describe the scene or what is going. I would recommend that you start the beginning just tranquil and then increase the suspense, and action. Then have the ending maybe a cliffhanger or twist plot that makes the reader going like," WHAT!?" I apologize if I sound of mean, I'm just injured from crashing on the concrete on a walk, scraping my whole right knee and my right shoulder. I hope my advice helps you a little bit.
valkyrie1212 BRONZE said...
on Jun. 8 2017 at 8:04 pm
valkyrie1212 BRONZE, Adelaide, Other
2 articles 0 photos 34 comments
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Great story :) on the whole, there's nothing much to improve, as in grammatical and spelling errors/storyline wise. However, you may want to add more imagery and context to help add depth to the story. A good rule of thumb when writing is to make sure the reader gets something out of the story. I didn't really feel much for Paddy and Jack because I don't know the conditions of the war (you could definitely add imagery there), or their background/their current state. So yeah, I think adding some imagery and context would help add more depth to the story. Other than that, it's good :)
SeekJustice BRONZE said...
on May. 31 2017 at 7:00 pm
SeekJustice BRONZE, Goulburn, Other
1 article 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose.&quot; --Jim Elliot<br /> <br /> &quot;And what does the Lord require of you? To Seek Justice, Love Mercy and Walk Humbly with your God.&quot; Micah 6:8

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Thanks for your comment! :) The reason realise is spelt with S instead of Z is that I'm Australian and we spell things the British way, we spell things like Realise and Colour, differently to Americans. Thanks, :D
TheVoiceoftheSilent SILVER said...
on May. 31 2017 at 9:48 am
TheVoiceoftheSilent SILVER, Westlake, Ohio
6 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?&quot; - Albus Dumbledore

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That was really good and really sad. My only correction is in the second paragraph. Spell it realized, with a 'z' not an 's'.