I feel his hands grip onto my pants waist and yank a little as we are making out. Although I don’t really acknowledge it at first, the second attempt he makes definitely makes me stop and sit up on the bed. Before that moment, he asks, “Are you sure you want to?” and I say “No” almost immediately. That was the past, back in 2017. I thought I had known who Walter and Skarema were, but in that situation I was not sure I knew who my boyfriend and I really were anymore. You see, the thing is, we do not see each other very often so whenever he comes over my house or I go over his, which is where I was at in that very moment, it felt amazing. Even though it was kind of late in the evening, I still did not feel like going back home, yet with what had happened I was no longer sure how I felt anymore. Things got pretty awkward fast. Walter stared me dead in my eyes and apologized by saying how he felt like he just violated me and he never wanted it to ever be like that. Meanwhile, I told him that it was ok and that I know he did not mean to hurt me or violate me in anyway, shape, or form.

Therefore, what some people do not realize, even now until this day is that consent CANNOT BE SILENT, If you do not understand that statement, I will give a brief example. Some people think that when someone is under the influence that they are not able to give consent. This can also be true when people are sober and scared. Remembering my experience, is like trying to recall the last dream you had. I swallow hard as he pulls me in closer into his warm hooded sweatshirt wrapped loosely around his body. Being here in this moment makes me happy, probably the happiest you would ever really see me be in a while.

If you were to ask me what I remember, the first thing I would tell you is his hot breath on my face. Essentially one thing led to the next thing which led to the next thing and so on and so forth. My body loosens as he gently massages my butt while kissing me ever so lovingly. All of our days aren’t as glamorous as you may assume them to be though. The thing is, some males are more gentleman-like and decent per say than others. With that being said, we all have emotions and sometimes they can get the best of us.

As a result of that, sometimes we act before we think and that can get us into trouble. “STOP! I can’t”, I say as he is fondling with my area WITH MY CLOTHES STILL ON. “Oh ok, that is ok”, he says while removing his hand yet still kissing me. He assumed that I would be OK with the fondling so he continued, without my consent.  There are times when yes I feel quite ok with sexual interactions, I mean don’t most of us. I let that moment pass months ago, I have forgiven ever since, yet did not forget. Don’t get me wrong, I still love him dearly and he is more aware and communicative. But it was a process of forgiveness and acceptance of myself and him.

If it weren’t for that part, I wouldn’t essentially be who I am or want to be today and the following days to come. Imagine waking up, looking in the mirror and not feeling comfortable in your OWN skin. Years past by and I finally feel pretty well. Sometimes I would consider myself the lucky one because I escaped the nightmare. Lucky enough to be not who I was the other day. Walter still walks around this earth living his life. Years and months pass by until we lose connection. He rarely talks to me, but when he does it’s brief and general. It feels as though we are officially strangers. He is no longer the same guy I met years back. Have you ever got frustrated by not able to read or understand someone you once thought you knew? Well that is me right now with Walter. I fear that is how it will forever stay between us. Farewell my first.