I was the third of Burkina Faso at the country’s national exam.  I got selected to pass the test for entrance at the International School of Ouagadougou (ISO), which consisted of written and oral English.  After receiving the confirmation that I had earned the school’s scholarship, I couldn’t help being overly happy about this acceptance which represented a significant turn in my life.  I was thankful to God for the great opportunity that he had helped me acquire. But, at the same time, the fact that I did not know what awaited me in this new environment intrigued me.

I have always been shy and taciturn.  I never dared to approach people in fear of facing criticism.  Loneliness was my best friend. Hiding from peoples’ sight made me feel more secure.  This reclusive character arose negative comments from my classmates. “Stupid,” “silly,” and “useless,” were the most commonly used by my classmates to describe this unusual person, this person who seemed too weak to be strong, too dumb to be smart, and too incapable to be capable.  This person, invisible and quiet, never raised her hand in class to ask questions, nor did she participate in class discussions. Solitary like a lion, she displayed no social skills. Who was this person? Why was she here?  This significant turn in my life turned into a trap from which I wished I could escape.

Sadness and depression became my daily life for the rest of my first high school year at ISO.  The hostility and criticism in this new environment, particularly by my classmates, deeply affected my mind to the point that I came to question my value as a person.  My self-esteem vanished considerably and I was left thinking that I had no right to speak up, no right to contribute to anything. Everyday, I dreaded coming to school.  When I approached the gate that read ISO my heart pounded with fear, the fear of spending another day in my personal hell.  The terrifying classes where I was surrounded by classmates who disliked me, the feeling of worthlessness, and my peculiar character had become a burden too heavy for me to bear.  I had lost any taste for my life. I’d gone from thanking God for this opportunity to being angry with him; I was angry with him for sending me to this school where he knew that I would suffer.  “God gave up on me. If he really liked me, he would not have allowed such an unbearable hardship upon me. He doesn’t care about me. Why would I trust him again?” Thus, God stopped existing for me.  I stopped reading my Bible. Prayer lost all the importance it once held to me. I cut off my habit of going to Church every Sunday. After all, there was no point in keeping in touch with an unfaithful God who deliberately made me endure such a dire suffering while all I had done since my childhood was to obey his commandments.  He had turned away from me; so, I would show him that I did not need him in my life anymore. I decided that I would make my own decisions based on my own perspectives, without asking for his point of view.

“Maybe I should go back to my old school,” I thought to myself.  “There is no place for such a person like me here.” Returning to my previous school would help me escape this lonely and cruel environment in which I had found myself.  At the same time leaving ISO would have meant throwing away an opportunity that might never present itself again. Whenever I thought about staying, the words “stupid,” “silly,” and “useless,” reverberated in my head and I felt sad.  When I said to myself that I would leave, a voice within my heart whispered softly, “No, you cannot do that.”

I was on the borderline between reality and craziness.  One day, right after school, I decided to go to the school’s psychologist for help.  I related to her all my torments and my secret desire to leave the school. She listened attentively and compassionately.  Then she said, “I understand how this situation affects you so deeply. But, the fact that you are different doesn’t make you stupid or useless.  Don’t focus on your differences or the people who dislike you. Out there, there may be some people who see you differently.” At first, these words sounded doubtful to me.  I was not convinced of my value as a person. But, after returning home and thinking about what the counselor had said, I got an epiphany. I realized that during the first four months in my new school I had been focusing all my attention on the people who were hostile toward me.  I had let their criticism define me, which was why I felt useless and silly for so long. But, Ms. Amber was right. Not everyone in the school despised me. I needed to spot the right people and make friends with them. Easier to say than to do.

I gave it a try.  I started saying “hi” to the people that I would meet in the hallways, people I would not usually approach, people I once assumed felt like the others, sharing their cruel thoughts.  I felt awkward suddenly greeting people that I had not spoken to since the beginning of the school year, but I kept going. Step by step, I became more comfortable saying “hi”. Soon, “hi” became conversations about school and these conversations started spilling over into lunchtime; I would eat with small groups of students in the classrooms.  I challenged myself further; I established connections with students from different grades, outside of the lunch crowd. Every time I would see one of these new acquaintances, I would start by saying “hi,” and then try to keep the conversation going for at least one minute. The more I did this, the longer my conversations with others grew. I began to feel accepted and to value myself just as my new friends had been doing since they got to know me more.  I stopped paying careful attention to some of my classmates’ cruel remarks. My self-esteem was restored, inspiring me to set new goals. I realized that God had not abandoned me at all; he had a specific plan for me. He wanted the best for me. Thanks to him, I learned to set goals to myself. I felt bad for all the cruel things I had thought about God. I was wrong all along. So, I apologized to him with all my heart and I resumed my habit of going to Church every Sunday.  I tried to reestablish contact with him through prayer and the Bible. My second goal was to develop, with God’s assistance, the qualities that I had been admiring in others since my entrance in the school: self-confidence and strength.

I decided to join the school’s musical.  The beginning was tough. The moves had to be correct, the singing harmonic, and the staging precise.  These requirements seemed impossible to fulfill. Worse, the prospect of performing in public terrified me.  I wondered whether I had made the right decision, but I couldn’t quit because somewhere deep inside my heart I did not want to quit.  This opportunity to act in the musical was the only way, I knew, for me to reach my second goal this year. So, I kept going, rehearsing the songs again and again during my free time, practicing the moves and making sure they were well coordinated.  I advanced.

The dreaded day finally arrived.  On Friday night I would be performing in front of more than a hundred people under the brilliant stage lights, my voice hooked up to a microphone, waiting to be shared with the world.  My heart beated at an unusually faster pace as I watched the auditorium fill up with people, from behind the curtains. I was trembling, sweat dripping from my forehead. For a moment, I wanted to slip away incognito.  But I did not. As I was putting on my costume backstage, memories of the numerous rehearsals flowed through my mind. I could picture the shy and weak girl whose sweetest dream was to become outspoken and self-confident.  Awkward at the beginning, this girl had worked really hard on her moves, singing, and staging. Although she had no knowledge of what would happen beyond the curtains, she was ready to try her very best. Her efforts, she hoped, would pay off.  After the show coordinators’ welcome speech, the curtains finally opened. It was time.

I felt my whole body shiver as I was got on stage.  The first song started nice and slow. While I was dancing, I could feel the audience’s eyes on me, which made me feel uncomfortable.  But seeing the effort and energy that the other performers around me put into their moves inspired me to do the same. At the end of the first song, the spectators’ cheerful applauses motivated me even more.  Then the show kept on going. After each song and acting, my stress waned gradually. My voice got louder and stronger. My moves were full of energy. At one point during the show, I spoke out, my voice resonating in the auditorium.  Right at this moment, I felt a radical change in me. Right at this moment, the shy and weak girl had turned into a powerful and self-confident lady. At the end of the show, the audience clapped with delight. The musical coordinators who had accompanied me and all the other performers since the first rehearsal looked at us, their eyes clearly reflecting their happiness and satisfaction.  Parents, teachers, and students congratulated all the performers, including me. I couldn’t help smiling, overcome by joy.

I did it!  It took me some time but I finally opened up.  Performing in the musical helped me enormously, and so did God who always encouraged me to keep going even when I wanted to relinquish.  Not only did I overcome my stage track but I also achieved my second goal; I grew stronger and more self-confident. I felt strong, proud, and accomplished.

Now that I reflect on this experience, I understand why God made me endure this excruciating pain: He wanted to help me open myself to the outside world.  He assisted me in all my attempts to make friends with the others, then, induced me to set new goals that would help me build a strong personality. God has always been faithful and fair, working in the backstage for my welfare.  He never forsook me as I once thought. I just didn’t understand his plan for me. I learned, thanks to him, that nothing is impossible, no dream is unachievable. We just need to be consistent and remain committed. I am thankful to God for the pain I have experienced because I learned from it.  I am thankful to God for the friends that I have made because now, I feel part of a community. I am thankful to God for the person I am. Now, I am entirely convinced that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.