Dear mom,

Do you remember the first time you felt like a woman?

I was 11 when i got my first period. I wasn’t scared, we learned about puberty in my health class. A new wave of responsibility was placed upon me, but I didn’t feel any more mature. I was the same old me, but with bloody underwear, and a self conscious disposition.

I was around 13 when I started wearing makeup. Foundation to cover the acne scars, concealer to cover my tired eyes, and blush for that extra 'oomph'. It wasn’t great, but the more I practiced, the better I got. 

I was 15 when I had my first boyfriend, and my first kiss. His name was Henry Kidman, my 9th grade math partner. We hung out after school sometimes, and I guess we thought we were in love or something. You freaked out about it, and I was grounded for a week. Personally, it didn’t feel that important. It was just a kiss. 

I was 16 when I lost my virginity. It was nowhere near as romantic as everyone chalked it up to be. If anything, it was kind of gross. Sticky and sweaty bodies just don’t mix well. It got better after the first time, but I felt so dirty. You yelled me when I told you. All of my friends did it, but I couldn’t help but feel guilty. I was so young, what if I made a mistake? 

It was my junior year of high school when I was raped at a party. It doesn’t even matter how old I was. It wasn’t love, It wasn’t what I was wearing, it was assault. It wasn’t my fault, but I felt so guilty; like anyone I told would exile me with the rest of the girls who were never listened to. I’m sorry I never told you. I’ve always struggled with self image, and I couldn’t risk being put in the spotlight. My underwear was bloody again, but this time for a different reason. 

Studies say one in five women get raped at least once in their lifetime. I’m sorry I never bothered to ask. For once, I knew what the people in the news were talking about. Oppression this and repression that. I had become another disgusting statistic. For once, I guess I really knew what it felt like to be a woman.