I couldn’t comprehend what I had just heard… an instant feeling of regret hit me. My mind was racing I didn’t know what to think. Why did this happen? When did this happen? How could I let this happen?

After school, I got off the bus 2 blocks away from my home in Compton. I walked slowly as I could already predict what would be going on at the house. As I got closer to my house I could hear loud music playing. As I approached I heard a sudden call of my name. It was my brother a former gang leader and other gang members. I began to pretend to act all cool like I was one of them. They all started to say their greetings to me as I moved quickly through the lawn and into the house.

My brother stopped me and asked me to hang out with them. “I have calculus homework bro,” I said. “Come on foo you can do it later,” my brother said. I thought about it and said ok in a tone that stated I didn’t want to hang out with him and his friends. I put my backpack in my neatly organized room. As we approached the front lawn my brother handed me a bag of Hot Cheetos and an Arizona Iced Tea I sat on a half ripped chair that had been used to its limits as a former gang member said: “how was yo day Jimi?” “It was coo I didn’t learn anything though,” I said. “When do you ever learn anything foo.” He said. I quickly responded with “you right I ain’t learned nothing in a while.” My brother asked, “what do you want to do when you grow up anyways Jimi?” “Man I don’t even know for real I’m not sure if I even want to go to college.” “You should join the gang foo you know you would be respected by all of us and it’s been in our family forever.” I never have liked the gang Michael (my brother) knew this I always thought that it was just a waste of time. “Man I don’t know I still got time to think about it,” I said. My brother has always been apart of the gang ever since our dad died in a drive-by shooting. After the death of my father, he was destined to get revenge. When my father passed I was hardly 6 and couldn’t live on my own. My mother has never been around she left after I was born and I have never heard anything about her. My brother never talked about her or our dad. “Alright yall I’m going inside to do my homework,” I said as I quickly walked inside.

It was a Thursday morning and started like every other Thursday. I got up out of bed picked out a neatly folded shirt out of the top drawer of my dresser I opened up the second to the top drawer to get a neatly folded pair of khaki pants and threw them on. I opened the door to my room and headed down the filthy hallway. I then took a left and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I tend to always brush my teeth before I eat breakfast, I have no idea why. I went into the kitchen to find something that was at least half edible. I opened the refrigerator and found a pack of toaster strudels. I grabbed one and put it in the microwave as I rushed into my room to get my backpack. As the microwave beeped I was putting my shoes on and ready to walk out of the door. I grabbed the toaster strudel and walked out the door as if nothing was wrong. Nothing had happened that morning, it was just a regular Thursday morning. Going to school was usually the same every day. I went to the same classes every day and typically never paid attention because I usually would know everything that had been annoyingly blurted at me. I was finally revealed that school had ended when it did I was ready to go home (or at least I thought I had been.) When I got home none of my brother's friends were there. That was suspicious because they had always been there. Although I didn’t think about it, I assumed that the had gone over another person’s house. As I walked into my house I figured that my brother wouldn’t be home but he was there. I was surprised to see him considering he is always with his fellow gang members. He told me to sit at the table and he wanted to talk to me. I was starting to get nervous because he has never told me that he wanted to talk. I sat at the table and he began to talk to me about the gang that he was in. After he babbled on for a while I remember he told me that he wanted me to join the gang. I was shocked about him asking me to join his gang considering he knew I didn’t want to be involved with it. I didn’t know what to say I was just in shock. After a while of me sitting there staring at him, he said “well?” I lashed out with a big “NO” my brother said, “of course you would say no you don’t want to be apart of it”. Although I know you don’t want to be apart of the gang” he continued,'' You have to it’s in your blood I’m in it and dad was in the gang too!” “YOU D*MB*SS,” I said, “DAD DIED BECAUSE OF THAT GANG I DON’T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT!!” “Well, I can’t believe it has come to this… if you don’t join the gang then I don’t want you in this house.” “WHAT?!” I said “I don’t want you up in here if you not gonna join my gang,” my brother said. I was in total shock I couldn’t believe that he will kick me out and let me be homeless. “You’re smart enough how about you go get a job and use your head to get some money,” My brother said. I was so uncontrollably upset my mind kept racing and I didn’t know what to say so all that came out was “ok.” I thought that if I started to get all of my stuff together and start to leave that he will end up taking back what he said and he will let me stay. It turns out that he didn’t so I left and had nowhere to stay.

I was now homeless for about 3 weeks and didn’t know where to stay. I had previously been staying in an alleyway of a flower shop and a gas station. By now I had stopped going to school because it was too far away to walk and I was just so mad over the fact that my brother had thrown me out of the house. I was starving and hadn’t eaten anything for 2 days. I would wait until the people who work in the gas station would throw away passed due to date junk food and eat that. I heard a sudden jolt of a door opening. I saw a man walk out of the flower shop. I haven’t previously seen this man and didn’t know who he was. “Young man what are you doing back here,” the old man said. “I’m just looking for something that I have dropped I’ll be on my way, sir,” I said. “I know that you have been sleeping back here why?” said the old man. “My brother-- he kicked me out of the house and I don’t have anywhere to stay.” After we talked for quite some time the man ended up telling me that he will let me live with him as long as I work at his flower shop for part-time. I was thrilled with the idea of having a home that I can stay in so I instantly said yes I will take the offer.

I had been working at the flower shop for one month now and I had enjoyed being able to have somewhere to sleep at night. I was going back to school now and everything was turning out to be just fine. After school one day I went to the flower shop and began to work all of a sudden I saw someone coming through the door. This guy looked very familiar almost as if I have talked to him before. I thought about my brother's gang and remembered he was a member of the gang. I was curious as to why he was in the flower shop because I don’t know why he would waste his time in a flower shop. We made eye contact and he instantly knew me. He came up to me and said he had some bad news. He had told me in that instant that my brother had died. I didn’t know what he was talking about I thought he was joking. I couldn’t believe him and thought he was just kidding or something but he started to explain to me what happened. He said that they were going to the east side of town where the rival gang had been and somebody shot at the car hitting him in the chest killing him. Why did this happen? I could’ve stopped him from going. I didn’t know what to say I still just couldn’t believe him but he said that he was buying flowers for his funeral that was taking place the following day. He asked me if I wanted to go I said I would. The rest of that day ended as usual although I couldn’t get the funeral off of my mind.

The following day I woke up like usual. I got ready wearing the best clothes that I had. I ate breakfast as usual although I kept thinking about whether it was real or not. I had Lester (the man that owned the flower shop) take me to the funeral. As we pulled in and park, I started feeling very emotional. I felt light-headed and dizzy. I can’t believe I have nobody now I thought. It was mind-boggling to think that he was gone. All of my family is gone it was incomprehensible. There was a seat reserved for me in the second to the front row. I felt important but not in a good way. I kept feeling dizzy and my stomach was aching with pain. My brother’s casket was closed and had numerous gang-related things around it. There was a bandana, picture, and a little stone all placed neatly on the casket. After waiting for a while the funeral began.

Once the funeral began, I didn’t pay too much attention to what everyone was saying. I was just thinking about how he is gone.