The smell of the fresh field and calls of the other team's QB, the grunts of the line as they get into their stance. The sun beating down, the waves crawling across the turf. My team set up on defense calling out the formation. The football game was about to begin. I felt something, something I have felt for a long time. I feel free like all my work has paid off. All the pain and doubt I went through didn’t matter at this moment. As the QB snapped the ball I thought back to what got me here, to this moment.

     It all started on September 15, 2019, my last football game. It was a tie game midway through the second quarter, our ball. It was a run to me. As I started going left I was met at the line of scrimmage by the D-end. I was going to power through for a few more yards but I got knocked back by someone else. As I fell I knew something was wrong. All I can remember is the white-hot searing pain I felt as if something was yanked out of place and branded by a hot metal rod. I am being carted off the field and immediately taken to the hospital. There I sat for what felt many hours in my thoughts and pain. I wasn’t sure I would ever play again. I thought the worst, as the game ended my teammates stopped by to check-in. I said I was fine but I didn't believe that. Now thinking back I realize how much their support meant to me and how it helped me get through. I got called in and took some X-rays. 

They examined my knee and the doctor said in an annoyed and patronizing tone “you’ll be fine in about 3 weeks back to doing what you usually do.”

 I remember feeling an enormous wave of relief wash over me. Little did I know how wrong they would be. Weeks passed with little improvement, doubt started to creep back in. I remember thinking something worse has happened. I go to a different doctor, one of the best. Even though I know I am in good hands I still flinched away at every touch. He comes to his conclusion quicker than I would have thought. I hope this is a good sign but as he delivers the news my body goes numb. Everything goes quiet, I am sitting there with my parents but I feel as if I'm miles away. My mom asks if I'm ok but I can’t hear her. All I can think about is how I will never play sports again. 

      Physical therapy begins, twice a week every single week. I despise it, I complain about going every time. Even though the room is large, it feels stuffy and cramped from all the people there. The smell of sweat seeps from the walls. I sit on the cold hard table while they bend my injured knee back and forth. I sit there not even trying to bend it further, mainly because it hurts but also because I just don’t care. I doubt it is going to help me run again sitting on this table. I slowly mope through the exercises and eventually get to go home. I eat then go to bed. This repeats many times and eventually, I start to get better. However, any hint of hope I have from getting better is crushed by the fact That I'm just watching my friends go by and play during recess while I just sit here. During recess, I sit there in my thoughts thinking about how long it’ll be until I get back to doing what I normally do. However, soon thanks to PT I started to walk without my crutches. I can't walk very far and I keep them with me but it’s still a start. More of the same passes every day and yet I still doubt. I start to work harder and harder every time I go to PT. Soon I won't have to carry crutches at all. I'm even getting to start to use some of the exercise machines and I’m getting to know the therapist better. We’re making great progress but still, I don’t know if I can ever perform at the level before and I go home and head upstairs alone still wondering if I’ll ever be back to sports. 

The next PT session a few weeks later, they tell me I’m now allowed to run. I don't know how to describe how I felt but it was exhilarating and I felt like a wave of relief washed over me. At this moment I started chipping away at the doubt that has plagued my mind and I try to keep a positive mindset because I’m making tons of progress. We start running at PT and I’m having no problem. I'm passing every test they throw at me. I feel like I can do anything. Improvement is happening fast now that I have put my mind to it and them doing my home exercises more seriously. I’m having less and less doubt of myself. I'm beginning to feel free. Now moved into lateral movement, the final step before I’m free to leave PT. They want me not to do it outside of PT but are allowed to do it slowly here. However, I keep getting better and better at it and soon they let me do anything but still want to keep a close eye on me. I even get to start coming once a week now instead of twice. My doubt has almost all but gone away. I've chipped and broken most of it away but still,  I remember a nagging feeling that I’m not finished. One day during recess while playing knock-out with my friends I’m about to get someone else out while still limiting my movement but I get pushed and I try to catch myself but it’s with my bad leg and suddenly it gives out. I fall and the pain comes back. It's not as bad as the first time but it’s still sharp pain and I have to go sit on the sidelines. I don’t know what just happened and I’m feeling dejected. my friend comes over and asks me how I’m doing and if everything’s OK but to be honest I say “ I don’t know”

      I go back to PT and tell them the news. They don’t take it very well; they're almost as mad as I am. They thought I was doing so great and strong enough to go back but this proves different. They tell me to go to a different doctor and get a consultation. The news that he provides is worse than any I’ve taken so far. He tells me that I need surgery and it will be a long recovery. I told my physical therapist the news and she agreed. My parents sit down with the surgeon to schedule a time for surgery. I don’t know what to think. With this latest revelation, I just don’t see an end to the path. At the end of the tunnel has dimmed. Despair and doubt are weaseling their way back into my mind. But I know what I must do. I must keep a positive mindset and work hard if I want to overcome this unusually large bump in the road. The surgery itself it’s four hours. When the surgeon is finished we come into a waiting room and the nurse tells my parents how to take care of me and give her the drugs to administer to me at certain intervals. I can’t make out much of what they say because I’m still on anesthesia but I know it’ll wear off soon and the pain will come.

 Many weeks later I’m moving around pretty well. I've gotten over the tough part. I know that I just need to be determined and not give up during PT to get back to where I was. It’ll fly even faster now that I know what we’re doing and I’ll be able to get back to my former self. A few months have passed and I’m only on one crutch. It's slower than I hoped, but I’m still gonna have a great vacation and won’t let it slow me down. Many months have passed now and I’m ready to take a big step. I have decided to start running track. It’ll help me get my speed back as well as reintroduce me to sports. My knee feels stronger than ever and I am soon to be fully cleared from PT. Track goes well and soon enough a year has passed since the surgery. When we go on vacation at Chautauqua lake I’m able to do everything I want. The final step of the journey is here. Football season. I got injured playing football but now I am here to face my fears. Practice starts and I have never felt better. I go through the drills with speed and aggression. 

Soon the first game is here and as I step onto the field and back into present time it finally hits me. I will never be able to forget what happened but I learned something important. I learned All the work I put in, all the doubt I fought through wasn’t for nothing. I realize with the right mindset and determination I can beat almost anything. I now know that I can’t let doubt overcome me, I have to fight back. As I step onto the field and feel the wind blowing through the air in the cool crisp autumn smell. The leaves falling on the field. The game begins. And I play with all my heart. With the game now finished, I don’t care about the score, just completing the game was enough. For the first time in a long time, I can walk home with a smile on my face, because I have beat my ACL tear.