Sydney, Australia, 2019 November

12:00 am 

The girl returned to her room after shutting her parent’s bedroom door. Hesitating for a few minutes as she walked around in circles, she sighed before slowly tiptoeing her way back to outside her parent’s room, carefully settling down to a sitting position. As she pressed her ear onto the door, she bit her lips hard, and her heartbeat raced. A taste of blood traveled into her mouth. She listened silently, like a bystander, as her parents talked about her in a foreign and fragile way that made her seem like the perfect daughter, when they all knew she wasn’t. She’d performed her concert perfectly so the rest of her didn’t matter. Her hollowness, weariness and sadness didn’t matter. She was perfect, and that’s all she needed to be for her parents to be proud of her. That night, she understood no one would ever understand her the way she wanted them to, everyone’s just trying their best to live their own lives with dignity.

3:00 am

She plugged the charger into her hot computer, and drowsiness washed over her like a wave. Standing up from her bed, she packed all the homework she had just completed and stared out of her window. In the distance, there were lights on in the tall apartment buildings. She wondered if, like her, they were not yet able to sleep. Then she looked to all the rooms with their lights down and wondered if there were people living there. If there were, are they wide awake, staring at their ceilings, or are they asleep? Either way, she wished for them not to be like her. She wished for them to be able to have a good dream and a peaceful, long night.  

6:00 am

Her mother knocked and walked in, gently shaking the girl awake. Ignoring the dizziness, the girl brushed her teeth and quickly rushed down the stairs. She had spent 10 minutes in the bathroom after almost falling asleep thrice. Her mother scolded her and went on her usual tangent. The girl didn’t explain, only nodded and responded with a simple ‘I’m sorry.’ She had already learned that it was the best response to everything. People on two sides of the earth can never be seeing the same views. There’s no point arguing which side is more real.

9:00 am

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled as she fled the classroom. Her first class of the day after her two hours of orchestra practice was math. Splashing her face with water, she forced herself awake with a surprising relentlessness. Biting on her lips once more, the healed opening began to bleed once more. “Sh*t,” she couldn’t help the swearing. 

Cleaning up, she returned to the classroom with a bright smile, sitting down once more as if nothing had happened. Her blond classmate tilted over to ask, “what did you get on your English? The grade came out this morning.”

“95, only got marked off for my handwriting and two grammar mistakes. It was so stupid,” the girl replied with a laugh. “How about you?” 

The blond classmate had already moved passed her and did not answer her question. The girl knew they weren’t from the same world. Her dad owned a law firm, and all of her friends were like her, tall and very much blonde. She was the ‘nicest’ of the clique. Asians and Whites never mix just like how the opposite sides of the color wheel are never used together. 

12:00 pm

Grabbing her yogurt off the counter, another Asian friend, Emily, cut into the queue right behind her, “I heard you did well on your English. You have to help me. I’m literally so bad. I promise I’ll do your math homework for a week. A week, max! Come on.”

The girl responded with the same smile, “Nah, it’s alright. You don’t need to. But yes, I will definitely help you with your English. Send it over to me anytime.” She paused as if evaluating whether she should say the following words or not. She couldn’t help herself, “I haven’t seen you in a while. How have you been?”

Emily didn’t look surprised as the girl had given her the response and question she had braced herself for, “Oh god, you’re literally the best. Yes, I’m so sorry, I’ve been so busy! The other day, Jess and I were working on our project for crazy long time. You and I have to hang out soon.”

The girl wrinkled her eyes, and her smile grew, “yes, definitely!”  The feigned happiness was energy draining and disappeared almost immediately. She knew Emily wasn’t studying with Jess, but there was no point in poking past the facade. You learn to keep your distance. Everyone needs something from each other and no one goes beyond that unless you’re looking to get hurt.

3:00 pm

The girl stepped out of her classroom, and in the crowded hall, she was quickly shoved to the other side, “I’m sorry.” She apologized again, but no one was listening. The white faces next to her traveled from one side of the hallway to the other as if she was utterly invisible. Amidst the bustling crowd, she was nothing but air, as if her yellow skin was one with the wall. 

Quickly recovering, she climbed up the stairs and knocked on the staff office. As soon as the door opened, the girl began to jabber, “I’m so sorry, Ms. Kris, I wasn’t really informed of the homework we had to complete. I wasn’t in class yesterday, I had a concert and emailed you, but I don’t think you replied. There was no way I would’ve known that we had science homework.”

Ms. Kris frowned and asked, “Are you sure? I don’t think I marked you absent yesterday? I remembered you were there.”

The girl did not show her annoyance and replied patiently, “Yes, I’m sure I wasn’t there. I can also find my absence request if you’d like.”

“Emily, isn’t it?” The teacher asked nonchalantly. “Wait no, Rachel?”

The girl paused a few seconds later, “That’s not me… Ms. Kris, I’ve been in your class for two years. And I don’t think there’s a Rachel in our grade.”

“I’m sorry. The three of you just look the exact same. Rachel’s a student two years ago.”

6:00 pm

“We’re different!” 

The girl looked outside of the car window as his brother protested. As the car stopped before a red light, in the dark, she saw a familiar blonde girl stand by herself alone outside a restaurant on the phone. She frowned. It was her classmate, crying and shivering. 

She pulled out her phone and thought about texting her. But when she saw her last text message left on seen, she shut off her phone once more. Who did she think she was to text her? They’ve barely talked to each other, definitely not friends.

Her brother’s voice sounded again, “I am… just Albert. Grace and I are different people. You can’t give me these expectations. She’s a girl and she’s smart, okay? I’m not!”

“That’s not the problem! Stop escaping the issue. The issue is your math grades. What is wrong with you? 70% I try so hard for you to improve, taking you to all types of tutoring, and this is how you repay me?” Her mother yelled back. Her brother visibly faltered; even if night had already fallen, she still saw his eyes glistening. 

She gulped, pulled out her AirPods, and closed her eyes. She had just come out of the debate practice, and she still had three more hours of practice before she could do homework. She didn’t have to think before knowing that it was another ‘staying up’ night.

9:00 pm

Like a robot drained of battery, she slumped in the piano seat with her eyes closed as her hands mechanically closed the book. Suddenly, the ringing phone shocked her out of her daze. She quickly picked up and walked into her room before holding the phone closer to her ear.

“Are you alright?” She asked in a soft voice.

Emily didn’t respond for a second before answering in a croaky voice, “I feel like dying.”

The girl reacted quickly, “I’m so sorry. What happened?”

“It’s fine. It’s just my parents and, you know, my English grade and stuff….”

The girl didn’t know what to say, so all she made out was, “I’m sorry,” over and over again before telling her, “If you need English help, just send me your work.” Emily hung up thirty minutes into the call, leaving the girl alone in her silence. 

The girl let out a bitter sigh before opening her computer and starting her homework for the night. The sound of her brother’s piano practice traveled to her ear. She couldn’t help but feel a sense of pity for him and Emily. She was genuinely sorry.

12:00 am

Shutting off her computer, she closed her eyes for a few seconds before opening them again and heading to the bathroom. She passed her brother’s room on the way, and she stopped. Knocking, she didn’t wait for her brother to respond. 

“Grace?”

The girl didn’t say anything. For some reason, she just needed to see her brother’s face. For a few seconds, they both stayed silent. Then, the girl pulled him into a hug and whispered, “I–”

“I love you.”

That night, she had a good dream.