Boss

“Morning, John. Ayy Margaret. How’s it going? Darryyyyyl! How’s the wife? Y’all it’s pouring out, how was the drive in today? I saw an accident on I-95. Two Cadillacs slammed into each other, and one of them was on fire. I guess you could say it Escaladed quickly. Eh, eh? Oh come on, that was a good one. Margaret gets it, right? OK y’all, let’s get to work. Start the day on a high note, guys. Laaaaaa. I’m just kiddin’, I’m just kiddin’. Hah! Larry, you’re the man. Y’all, over there. Yeah, you. Can you guys get started on the McAdam account? We’ve got about three days before Liam is on my… Yeah, yeah, thanks, guys. 

“Psst. Psssst. Ahem. AHEM. Mikey? Do you wanna just, y’know, pop into my office for a sec? It’ll be just a sec, promise. Yeah, why don’t you just shut that door real quick. Just real quick. Yeah. So how’ve it been? Hah! I combined ‘how’s it goin’’ and ‘how’ve you been’! That’s hilarious. Anyways, how’ve it been? Ahahaha. That’s why I love ya, Mike. You just get me. Y’know Johnathan out there? He’s been workin’ here like fifteen years now, probably laughed about twice. He’s a good worker though, just a bit of a square if ya know what I mean. 

“Yeah, yeah, um, I guess you’re wondering why you’re in here. Well I, uh, – oh my God, I forgot to ask how the kid is! He’s what, six months now? Dear God, he’s a cutie. What’s his name again, Mike? Jason, Jason, that’s right. I love that name. Y’know, I almost named my oldest Jason. Oh, I told you that? Sorry, sorry, I forgot. He’s your first right? Oh wow. Wowie, wow, wow, my first kiddo was almost twenty-five years ago now. Holy moly! How’ve you been adjusting? Good, good. And Angie’s doin’ good? Love to hear it. Yeah so, I wanted to talk to you about – aw nuts, I’ve gotta take this call, gimme one second. 

“Hello? Yeah. Yes, of course. Oh, you need that today? Oh, OK good, that’s what I thought. You’re the best, Liam. Yeah. No, yeah. All right. And I – all right. OK. All right, bye. Have a good Thanksgiving. Give ‘em my best. Thanks. A’ight, bye. 

“OK, sorry about that. If I dodged another one of Liam’s calls I’d be in deep – Oooo, Michael, I didn’t know you had that in you. Up top! Can I getcha a drink or something? Oops, I didn’t see your mug. I love it. ‘World’s OK-est Accountant.’ Hah! I’ve always wanted one of those mugs. Coffee or tea? Decaf? Hah, good man! Leave the decaf for the weak, y'know what I’m sayin’?

“OK, umm, do you know why I called you in here? No? Gah, I hoped you’d say it for me. Oh, umm, by the way, what’s your favorite color? It’s been two years and I still don’t know. Oh. You’re a purple guy? My ex-wife was a purple person. Blech. I’m just kidding. She was my ex-fiance. We never got married. Ahem. Uh, yeah. Nah, it’s OK, that was like ten years ago. I’ve had a decade without a woman’s touch, Mike. You don’t make it this far if you’re unable to deal with loneliness. Sorry, that was inappropriate. 

“Happy Tuesday, by the way! After a Monday and Tuesday that was this rough, even my calendar says WTF! Nah, nah, you’re right, I didn’t come up with that one. Yeah, I read it. Oh, no. R-E-D-D-I-T? What’s that? My mom got my son a joke book. It’s a good one though, eh? Ahaha. You’re my favorite. Sorry, I gotta pick this up real quick.

“Liam? Hey again. No, not yet. I’m workin’ on it. Nah, he’s right here. Sorry Mike, one sec. Liam, gimme a break. I don’t wanna do it like you do. Jeez, can a guy try a new strategy? Liam. Li– Liam, I gotta go. Yes, I’ll call you after. I’m hanging up now. Bye. 

“God, bosses, amirite? I mean, you’ve got a perfect one right? Right? Riiiiight? Ayyyy, that’s my guy. You OK? Oh no, we weren’t talkin’ about you. Yeah, nah. No, yeah, not you. Sorry, I can’t talk about it anymore. So, how are ya? Good, good. What’s your fav – oops, I already asked you that, ahaha. Umm, yeah.

“OK, so, uh, I should probably get to the point. Oops, it’s already 9:20. So, uh, you know how important you are to this company. You’ve been such a treasure to work with these past few years. I mean, you’re the best with the spreadsheets. I guess you could say you excel in it. Eh, eh? I gotta remember that one. I mean, James calls you ‘the calculator,’ how much better could you be? Calculator, I hardly know ‘er, amirite? (Goddammit, Alan, be serious.) Don’t tell HR about that one. 

“OK, let’s get down to brass tacks. You’re an accountant. Obviously. Huh, I don’t know why I said it like it was news to you. Anyway, you’ve seen the recent numbers. Imma be real with you, profits have been down this quarter, Mike. Gah, I hate this part. We’ve got a surplus of accountants right now. We’ve let go of half the team, but we don’t have the budget for you anymore.

“I know it’s been a tough year for you, and I empathize, I really do. I know, I know, Angie just got let go. And Jason. I know how hard this is with a kid. But y’know, Susan’s been here for twelve years, Josh has been here for eight, and Elliot…well, you know Elliot. You’ll get severance, and your healthcare coverage will continue until the end of the calendar year – so sorry to do this to you right before Thanksgiving, by the way. Greaton’s & Co. won’t be the same without you Mike, and if you need a recommendation gimme a call. I’m so sorry again. I’ll call you when it’s tax season, Michael – you’re the only guy I trust with my finances. If you need help finding a job, maybe try reaching out to my youngest daughter, Louise. She recently got a job working at Taco Bell so she knows the whole application process well. Oh, uh, you should know, you’re not the only one getting let go today. Do you mind keeping this to yourself until five? I want everyone to hear it directly from me.

“Again, just shoot me an email if you need anything. Mike, would you mind shutting the door on your way out? Oh, your coffee! You wouldn’t wanna forget that. The only thing that could make this day any worse is caffeine withdrawal, amirite? Sorry, that was in bad taste. See you tomorr…later. Sorry again, Mikey. 

“Margaret! Ay, Marg. Yeah, can you just slip right into this chair right here? Mind if we chat for a sec?”