“DING!” The New Year's bells ring. It is now 2054, but no one cares as almost everyone is in prison. This is due to the second most recent amendment to the constitution, which was created to completely stop crime. Most of the people not in prison work as police officers and prison guards. The prisons were extremely dirty, and in a lot of cases, collapsing. The prisons protested by refusing to do cleaning duty, and there were not enough solitary confinement units for the protesters. Due to an incident where the inmates on cooking duty put used toilet paper in the burritos, the inmates in all prisons in California were exclusively fed grass, with beans and rice as sides. The death penalty had been outlawed 20 years earlier, so all 1.1 billion criminals in the United States had to be kept in prisons just like this one. Life in these overcrowded prisons was chaos, with constant riots and drug use being normal.

Welcome back to CNNN, America’s most brilliant news source. Today’s first story is about a man who seemingly escaped prison (unthinkable we know) a couple of days ago, but let’s just say… something happened.

    At 3:32 PM, In the San Mateo County Prison, Henry Riverlock was escorted in and assigned a cell. A 6-foot-tall frail black man, blended in perfectly with the 23 other new inmates that arrived that day before him. But he had a very odd red suit, which everyone took notice of for some reason. He was forced to sleep on the floor, as the 2 bunks of the bunk bed were being used by much stronger-looking people than him. The sink was broken, but at least the toilet still worked.

    Soon, it was dinner time, and Henry silently made his way to the cafeteria and ordered Gourmet Green & Juicy Grass cooked Rare, and a side of rice with ketchup. He sat at one of the few empty tables, and his food was served shortly.

    “BAAAM” He felt in his head as he was eating. He looked down to see a spoon rattling on the ground and a tough-looking man running away while manically laughing. He made it onto his rice when another man sat at his table.

“Why hello?” The man said with a somewhat raspy voice.

“Nice to meet you!” Henry replied.

“Wanna see a magic trick?” The man asked.

    Before giving Henry a chance to respond the man put a crack pipe in Henry’s mouth. Henry began running while trying not to inhale when a guard spotted him and tackled him. He tried to reason with the guard, but this was a “Class A Violation,” so the guard didn’t budge and put him in solitary confinement.

    Even though this was “solitary” confinement, to save costs, two people were put in each unit. His cellmate was a really tall white dude. He was scared of being beaten up for being black.

“Day one and I’m in solitary confinement…” Henry muttered to himself.

“What are you in for? I littered.” The cellmate, who had heard him, asked.

“I spit on the sidewalk like I didn’t even know that was a freaking law” Henry responded.

“You're not the first one,” He said while sounding bored.

“Let me guess: You're solitary because you got framed. That’s what happened to me, and most other people in solitary. If so, was it by that strong white dude?” The cellmate asked.

“Yes. It was that buff magic trick dude. He put a pipe in my mouth” Henry responded. 

    A guard came marching in and screamed “IT’S NIGHTTIME GET IN YOUR BEDS” and then slammed the door when leaving. They didn’t even realize it was night. It was then that Henry examined the room. The beds were actually quite good, and the water worked, but while in here, they were only fed beans which would be delivered each morning. They both went to bed and fell asleep quite fast.

    The next morning, the two men were eating breakfast, when Henry said “Why don’t we just escape? The death penalty has been outlawed.”

“This is exactly what my old cellmate did. The guards told everyone that he had murdered his children, and he was promptly beaten to death.” The cellmate responded.

    They finished breakfast and then just started sitting around occasionally chatting. There was not much else to do in this depressing space.

“You know that strange white box in the corner? I used to think it was a bench before I noticed the lock.” The cellmate, who still hadn’t told Henry his name, said.

“You know, I might have smuggled in a crude hatchet, I could try to open it.” Henry responded.

The cellmate screamed, “NOOO, THERE’S A CAMERA” as Henry ran over and started hacking at the lock. The cellmate tried to cover up the camera in a non-suspicious way.

“It seems to be some sort of air duct except without a vent,” Henry said. He closed up the small gate now without a lock.

    Both of them were bored, so they took a nap. They were woken up by the “IT’S NIGHTTIME GET IN YOUR BEDS” of the solitary confinement guard. After he stomped out, Henry said “It’s nighttime, let’s escape solitary. No one will know so we won’t be accused of anything.”

“NOOOOOO!” The cellmate screamed as Henry crawled through the strange duct. The cellmate looked through the duct and considered escaping, but ended up just going to his bed and pretending to sleep. Henry came back with quite the look on his face and said “I need my suit, I’ll be so ugly without it!” Then he grabbed his suit which he had left on his bed by accident, and quickly shuffled through the duct while the cellmate tried once again to stop him from escaping.

    This duct seemed to connect to every cell and solitary confinement unit, but every gate was locked from the outside and there were no entrances to hallways. Every gate was labeled. Eventually, he just started hacking at a random gate with his hatchet, and it opened pretty fast. 

    He found himself in a completely empty unlocked cell, and the cell room he entered looked under construction. He slept in one of the cells, and then tomorrow, during yard time, he broke the lock of the door leading out and found himself in a busy hallway. He immediately blended in then went into the yard, and just started working out and enjoying himself. When yard time was about to end, he hid in a bush and started digging a hole. After it was deep enough, he slept in it.

    After he woke up, he went to the cafeteria and ordered some ultra spicy grass cooked medium. He ate, then went outside for yard time. He hid in the same bush when someone came up to him and saw what he was doing. “Can I join you?” The strange man asked.

“Everyone can join me,” Henry said. Henry proceeded to tell this strange man his whole story, and the man, named Charlie, was later interviewed, which is how this whole story came to light. The two of them dug for a while, and then Charlie went back to his cell, but the tunnel was complete, and they were going to escape tomorrow. Henry slept in the tunnel again.

    The next morning, Henry didn’t come out to eat, but instead, during yard time, he gathered a crowd, took off his suit, then screamed as loud as he could “IT’S TIME TO ESCAPE THIS MESSED UP PLACE!” He walked to the hole, but no one followed him. The guards didn’t even run over to him. After staring back at the crowd, he entered the hole, never to be seen again.

Thanks for listening to our first story of the day. Currently, no one knows what happened but this was really recent, so if he’s found, we will be sure to update you. And once again, thanks for watching CNNN. Our next story took place earlier today and is about a Florida Man who thought an alligator was his girlfriend, and they ended up sle…(static takes over)