Tristan was on thin ice - that’s all I can say. As he stood in the doorway of his house, his blue eyes piercing into my soul, my blood continued to boil. He knew he could get me to do anything for him and that’s exactly what was going on. I was a certified people pleaser and it was really showing in this moment. We had both agreed the night prior to not go through with this plan, yet here I was standing in his presence about to depart on our sneaky adventure. Mad was an understatement. I had never been madder at Tristan than I was in this moment. 

The List had been a thing since the beginning of our 6th grade year. Tristan and I thought it would be hilarious to make a bucket list 20 goals long to finish before the end of high school. We had slowly crossed off all of our goals over the years, except one: break into the school and sleepover both graduation. One detail I think that he doesn’t realize is the fact that we have yet to graduate and they can take away our diplomas at any point. I have literally thought of every worst case scenario, but I guess that’s just my nature. I was mad and he knew it.

“Bianca, what are you wearing?” he asked as I stood there in black clothing head to toe. If I was going to be involved in this, I might as way go all out. I had to embrace my role. Afterall, make lemons out of lemonade.

“I though we had to be sneaky?” I said with one eyebrow raised. Tristan rolled his eyes. His attitude only made me madder. 

We had been not only best friends for a decade, but also neighbors. I would get asked at least once a week by different people if we were dating or not. “No,” “ew,” and “absolutely not” had become apart of my daily vocabulary. I was born to nurture and that’s what I found myself doing with him a majority of the time. I cared too much, which was always my downfall and Tristan knew it. He was emotionally unavailable, I was emotionally too available. He was careless, I cared too much. He knew my biggest flaws. He knew everything and anything.

“We better get going,” Tristan said as he looked down at his watch. I stood there twidling my thumbs before I turned around to walk towards his truck. His truck wasn’t hard to miss, it was bright blue and lifted 1,500 feet in the air. I basically had to get a running start to leap into the passenger seat every single time. I heard his front door slam as I treked through his perfectly cut front yard. “I don’t think there’s anything I would rather do less than this right now,” I turned and yelled in his direction. “No one asked,” he responded from behind as it was my turn to roll my eyes at him. “At least let me have aux,” I negotiated. If I was going to be dragged into an illegal scheme, I had to least listen to Olivia Rodrigo the whole car ride.

We pulled into the parking lot right on time. Tristan had our mission planned down to the minute:

11PM: arrive at the school

11PM - 11:15PM: scout our best point of entry

11:15PM - 11:30PM: search the entire school to ensure there was no way of getting caught

11:31PM: enter the gym and set up our “campsite”

11:32PM - whenever: chill out and just begin the sleepover

7AM: wakeup time

7:01AM: departure from the school

The nighttime janitor was leaving as we pulled up, so Tristan cut his truck lights and pulled into a parking spot furthest from the door. We exited the car as quietly as possible and made our way to the ajar door. We figured if we got in, we could always go back out and gather all of our belongings. As the janitor walked away and the door began to close Tristan runs faster than I have ever seen the man run (and he’s a school record holder in track). He sticks his foot in the door in the knick of time and looks back and flashes his iconic bright white smile. I feel my face blush as I eventually catch up to him, but successfully hid my amusement. “After you,” he waved his arm inside as he held the door.

He led with the flashlight and peeked around corners as I followed on his heals. My anxiety ran rampant as my adrenaline increased every second that passed by. I did not want to be here in the slightest bit, yet again here I was. Anything for Tristan. Hallway by hallway we surveillanced and cleared for any potential threats to our plans. After 17 long minutes (behind schedule from his agenda), the entire school was clear and we could follow through on our plans. It was quiet. Dark. Eerie. It made my anxiety increase 10x more. I was going to explode pretty soon.

“Where do you wanna set up?” he asked as walked towards the gym.

“This is your mission, I’m just your sidekick,” I snarked back.

“You didn’t have to come you know that, right?” Tristan snapped at me out of nowhere. I don’t understand how he could already be in a bad mood, nothing had gone wrong and I was here. 

“Woah, what’s your deal?” I snapped back.

“You just ruin everything with your attitude and negative energy,” he raised his voice and tone. I thought he was joking, until I realized he was piercing daggers into my skull. I froze. I could not believe it. I didn’t even do anything to him. I actually did everything FOR him, not TO him. “Are you serious, Tristan?” I blurted before I could even think of what to say. “I have done nothing but help you with this entire ordeal, and this is what I get? Are you ever gonna realize what I do for you?” I snapped. My pent up emotions start word vomiting and I could not do anything to stop it. “I sacrificed graduating for you. Yeah, bet you didn’t think about the possibility of not graduating if we get caught,” I added as he continued to stand and stare at me like I had killed his puppy. Everything came crashing down. All I know is that I had gotten to the voice level of yelling, borderline screaming at him. It was all a blur and I blacked out.

The day replays in my head every single day, without fail. I was confident. I was happy. I was hopeful. I knew I was doing the right thing for myself and that’s all that mattered. I reached my hand out and knocked on the door 3 times. His truck was parked backwards in the driveway, I knew he was home. I knocked and there was no response. I waited. 30 seconds. 45 seconds. A minute. Nothing. This was unusual. I knocked one more time and I got the same result. Nothing. He hadn’t texted me back in an hour, which was unusual, based on the fact that he was home. I knew this was a bad idea. Tristan did not feel the same way, and never would frankly. I had been falling in love with him since 6th grade, yet he never realized it. He instead would go on sporadic dates with girls not good enough for him and would ask me for advice on other girls. I had no idea why I thought it would be a good idea to confess this to him on a random Sunday afternoon anyways. I walked away. He could never know. I would never tell him. Ever. The universe was truly looking out for me.

I felt accomplished, like something had been lifted off my chest. I loved Tristan, doesn’t matter if it was platonic or romantic. He never saw the whole deal with me. He only saw that I was there as someone who would help him in anyway possible, but nothing really beyond that. It was the classic girl best friend falls for the oblivious guy best friend, that cannot see what is right in front of them. I watched as his angry stricken face turned to worry. He knew he messed up. It slipped out what happened the one day a few years ago where he never answered the door. It was not my finest moment

. “There’s no way that happened. Why did you not tell me?” he grew angry again. “Freeze!” and froze we did. Great timing. We saw flashlights beaming from around the corner. This cannot be happening right now. I knew I should have never told him. Anytime that day comes to mind something bad always proceeds it, and right now that something was an administrator. I knew I had been yelling loudly, I just wasn’t aware how loud I actually was. Until this moment. 

“I can explain, I swear,” I turned towards the voice from behind as I choked back welled tears and Tristan stood useless. 

“I don’t need one,” Mrs. Jackson held her hand up in front of my face. One tear fell. Two tears fell. Tears poured out. I had no explanation for this and Tristan was basically brain dead at this point. Adrenaline and me were not friends, but especially when adrenaline and anxiety were crossed. I was a recipe for disaster. The room was spinning, or was I actually spinning? I had no idea. 

“What do you two even think you’re doing here this late anyways?” Mrs. Jackson continued. 

“I can explain,” Tristan emerged from the corner and decided to say. 

I felt it. I felt something. I felt everything. I turned around and it was like something came over me. My stomach bubbled and boiled as tears began to form in my eyes. The anxiety started to dissipate, but that was before I realized what was to follow. I had the most bizarre fight or flight reactions known to man.

I puked. I puked everywhere, or so I thought. I turned fully around to see no puke on the floor or on myself, but rather all over Mrs. Jackson. This was my own personal hell, for sure. The red slushy I had consumed hours prior was all over Mrs. Jackson. The french fries I had consumed hours prior was all over Mrs. Jackson. My dignity was all over Mrs Jackson.

I had now managed to scream at my best friend for half an hour, get us caught for breaking into our own high school, and I had now puked all over the person that busted us for the last named event. My life could not be real.