There are unspoken moments where I wouldn't care if I died. I guess every teenager feels like that once or twice in there lives but I feel like mine come frequently and in long periods. I don't feel like ending my life, I feel like if a car crushed me or an illness swept over me I wouldn't care. I spend nights dreaming of what Heaven is like and what I am suppose to do in life. Will my life get ripped apart? Will I have to watch my family members die, one at a time? I'm scared, too - I don't want to go through years of death and sadness and anger and pain. No thanks. If Death came with a swift hand, I would be fine with it.

Late last night, as I stared at my ceiling and wondered about what happens after the lethal blow, a twisted and new thought bubbled in my head. You have three friends and you are all in different high schools, your parents don't care about you, you barely see your other siblings, who would notice if you popped a few extra pills? Who would care if you didn't become an author? Whose life would you change? It was like a long and slimy snake; it slithered up my legs and across my stomach. It left slime where it laid, cascaded around my shoulders and its large head looked down at me. Its large, black eyes stared at me intensely but it's forked-tongue flickered at me sarcastically. As my wild and over-tired mind created the beast before me, the evil thoughts in my head started to have a lisp and rattling sound in the background. It was at this point that I was speaking to Death.

Why not? Go ahead. It goaded. I could do it for you. My venom is swift and easy - like you want. Or I could constrict you - a simple way to go. Pills are painless, and you can just fall asleep. Simple, painless, easy.

My head began to spin and I could think - the more my head spinned and the snake rattled, the better the idea seemed. A simple dose. Leave a note. Go to bed. Death. I got up and walked to my bedroom door. My hand paused as it cradled the doorknob.

Go! Do it! Do not be afraid, I am here. Death slithered between my feet. I opened the door. I walked the few steps to the bathroom and walked inside. Death was quick and scampered with me. My footfalls were silent in my big, empty house. I could hear my brother snoring faintly, even though his bedroom was only five strides from the bathroom.

Go. Open the door! Death ordered.

I opened the door and walked inside. The snake had to be at least fifteen feet long and yet he still slid in before I could turn around and close the door. I locked it and Death purred his approval. I took two steps toward the sink and the medicine cabinet. I stared in the mirror and grimaced.

You are like a background girl - you will never get the spotlight. The black-and-red diamond snake sighed. I frowned now - my dirty blond hair looked like someone tried to paint mud yellow, my eyes were too dark to notice that they were green, my body was straight and simple and nothing showed promise. I was ugly.

More forcefully now, I opened the medicine cabinet and looked at the selection. Death was able to look up and with his superb length, we were able to be eye contact. That is the best out of all of them. He snatched an orange bottle out of the cabinet and dropped it in my open hand. As he dropped it, I noticed the surreal fangs bulging with venom and see-through teeth lining his mouth.

Do it! Death snapped and his eyes were flushed with irritation.

I pulled the cap off and looked in to see twelve yellow capsules.

Only three will be needed to put you to your final resting place. Go ahead. Death prodded. I picked three pills out and closed the bottle and put it back. I slid down the wall with my hand open, watching the pills shake and roll. My mind was spinning. I couldn't think of anything for long before it became a blurb in my mind, couldn't think an entire sentence before it was whipped away in my internal hurricane.

Go! Do it NOW! Death screamed. It scared me.

Suddenly, like the sun ripping through grey clouds, I saw light.

The Light was in the form of my best friend, Jane. She was herself; her cropped brown hair pulled away from her face, her geek glasses framing her chocolate eyes, pimples and zits dotting her diamond face. She had her usually band T-shirt and sweatpants on with her favorite fuzzy socks. Her guitar was slung around her and she was plucking one of her songs she wrote herself. She had words to all of her secret songs but she never sang them, only hummed along. But this time her voice swept out of her mouth, like a bird flying from a cage.

"Where darkness and evil lie/I live in that sorrow/

where death and pain lurk/I live in that desperation/

where heroes never win/but not with Marilyn."


There were more words and similes and brightness but as she sang, memories fled back to me. Jane and I running around her neighborhood at midnight with flashlights, taking my dogs on long walks, my mom's birthday, my niece's birth. Dancing in the school hallways like no one was watching, shoving my brother's face into his birthday cake.

Yes, life comes with pain and death and suffering and sadness and confusion. I am not gonna lie. Loved ones with pass on, you will get a critical disease later in life, you will get frustrated with other people, you will feel out of place. But you will have that best friend that cradles your heart like treasure, you will have that puppy that smiles when you get home, you will have your mother's loving touch, you will have your father's proud gaze, you will have that extended family that is crazy and wild and creates the funniest stories, you will have that blue sky, you will have that green grass, you will have that warm sun, and you will always have that passion for life, that determination to live.

I look up to see Death has disappeared. He has vanished as quickly as he appeared. But in my hand, three pills glint in the light. My stomach flips when I see it and I immediately get up and put the pills back where I found them. I open the door and look over to my snoring brother in the dark; he is cuddling his baby blanket. I tiptoe back to bed and climb under the covers. My eyes instantly become lazy and I shut them and sigh peacefully.

RING!

RING!

RING!

I pick up my cell phone and open it, "Hello." I mutter, not really putting the question mark at the end of it.

"Oh my gosh, Mar, it's your best friend, Jane!" Jane squeals from the other side of the phone.

"Why are you calling me now at two in the morning?" I mutter.

"I just wrote the best song in the history of songs! Wanna hear?" She asks and I can hear the clank of her guitar, Delilah, being put around her neck.

"Sure." I smile as she plucks the song that radiated brightness, fearlessness, and love so strong that it even defeated Death.