I never got the chance to ask you about your first kiss. It was something I always wondered about. To be honest, sometimes when I couldn’t sleep I would picture it over and over again. Sometimes I saw you as the awkward one who literally asked if you could kiss her, other times you were the spontaneous guy who kissed her when it was least expected, either way I guess I’ll never know. My first kiss ignited so many unknown feelings. Some feelings I wish I never got to feel at times, but trust me I’m thankful for the most part. I remember my heart was beating so fast that I didn’t even know how I was breathing, better yet I didn’t even know if I was breathing. It’s so hard to try and remember if I was because his face was just so close to mine and my hands were shaking, I felt as if nothing in the world was going on around me as I closed my eyes and felt the touch of his lips on mine. I felt my stomach drop and the butterflies inside were set free. It seemed as if we were kissing for light years. It’s hard to know how I even got there without seeing where he was heading in the first place. The thing was we didn’t need to see each other, we felt it.
I don’t talk to that boy much anymore. He has a new girlfriend so he spends most of his time obsessing over her. People talk about them all the time saying how he can do so much better. I never really understood that. Yeah, maybe she isn’t the most attractive girl in the world, but he must see something in her that makes her the most wonderful girl in his eyes. Come to think of it, I heard they recently said I love you to each other, at least two people in this world are happy. I always get into those “I hate the world” moods whenever I see happy couples. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just loneliness that gets to me since you’ve left. I feel the pit of my stomach fill with jealously every time I see a cute couple together. I’ve only had one real boyfriend in my years of high school and there’s really not much to say about it. He would rather play Pokémon then see me. To be honest, I only really dated him as a scapegoat away from you. As usual though, I pretended like you meant nothing more to me than a friendship. We had a unique kind of friendship. We backstabbed each other in the most honest way. We were brutal, but loving. I told you my every secret; you told me your every fear. When it came to giving advice, you were never really much help, but the sound of your voice comforted me more than anything.
The last time I saw you was for our school art project. We were assigned a spot on the wall to paint anything that inspired us. It was a tradition for the graduating class to create a mural. I knew I had to draw something perfect. You would be watching my every mistake and every achievement, but most importantly you would be seeing into my mind. You came over to me, pulled me by the waist and poured paint all over my head. The color was specifically black, our favorite color. We always made jokes about black being the symbol of misery for us. For the last four years of high school that was exactly what described our lives, pure misery. The reasoning behind this misery were for some serious and some silly little issues, but most of the time, it all traced back to you. I’m not saying you made me miserable because at times, I wanted you no where near me. In truth though, I wouldn’t be who I am today without you.

After months of work, I finally finished my painting. I wouldn’t really say it was a specific picture. I splattered the walls with all different colors, poured my emotions onto the wall; I drew unequal shapes overlapping each other. I guess you could say it was my thoughts spilled onto the wall. I looked over to my right to see yours, but there was a sheet nailed to the wall over it. I figured your painting was unfinished.

It turns out it was your life that would remain unfinished. On October 18th, a cold black night, you were killed by a drunk driver. I attended your funereal just like everyone else in the senior grade, except I was a robot. I beat myself up over not showing any emotion. For someone who was in so much pain from losing her best friend, how could I not even shed one tear? I wanted to be at graduation with my best friend, I wanted to be at college with my best friend, I wanted to travel the world with my best friend, I wanted to be with my best friend for my entire life. I was emotional drained; I didn’t think I would ever go back to my normal self. But lets be honest, what was my normal self? Everyday I was changed little by little from experiences and my peers. You are never the same person as you were the day before, but I knew no matter what I would always share the same soul as you.
Through time it never got easier, but I was comforted by the memories we shared. I thought back to that time it was snowing out and you jumped on my back and rammed the both of us right into the snow. Normally, the snow would make me feel numb, but I felt so warm next you. I thought about how I should have told you I was in love with you and I wondered if you ever thought about being in love with me. There were so many questions that I would never get the answer to.
10 months later, I received a strange package in the mail. I figured it was one of my relatives sending me a birthday gift. I slowly opened up the package, making sure not to damage whatever was in side. There was nothing inside but a picture of a painting. It was angel that looked so similar to me I couldn’t even believe what I was looking at. I examined the picture with my eyes as wide open as they could go until I finally reached the bottom of the picture. The caption read “She can make angels’. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.” My heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to explode. I knew right away that this was your painting for the senior class wall. I glanced over it one more time to find a letter attached to it. It was from your mother. “Dear Ellie, I know we have lost touch these past few months, but the school sent me a picture of my sons painting and I really think you should have it.” This was too overwhelming for me. A thousands thoughts raced through my head, but there was only one that I said out loud. I never got the chance to ask you about your first kiss. It was something I always wondered about.