I woke up to the coldness of the surroundings. I sit there just waiting for someone to talk. I was afraid to open my eyes, didn't’t want to see the environment I was in, and didn't’t want to see black. All the while I have been in this hospital the doctors have told me “next time Audrey, next time there will be a surgery that will cure your eye infection.”

Only one week ago I got an eye infection and it was so damaging that I had to stay in the hospital all that while. The disease had taken away half of my eyesight, the eyesight I definitely need to keep living the dream that I had created. During my time I got to listen to doctors explain to me that there was only one surgery that could cure this disease. It could either give me my eyesight back, or take it away completely leaving me blind.

“Michael? Are you there?” I lay back and wait for my husband to answer.

“Yes honey, are you okay?” He asks, by the sound of his voice I could tell that he was extremely concerned.

“Well I guess so. Did you hear anything from the doctor yet?” Hearing my own voice I sounded hopeful and positive.
I heard slow squeaky footsteps, like new sneakers on a tile floor.

“I’m sorry,” the doctor said, his voice sounded sympathetic and soothing. I heard him leave, slowly his feet moved across the floor and he made his way out of our hospital room.

I had my eyes closed, I was too afraid to open them. If I open them the only thing I would stare at would be darkness. Black, the color I hated most. I will never know the joy color brings to me anymore. Color is the beauty of the world, people can’t live without color. Yet I have to, how will I ever do this? The never ending nightmare has started, from this moment and on. I opened my eyes.

“Michael?” I said, I extended my arm trying to find my husband’s hand in the blackness.

“I’m right here honey,” he said, he grabs my hand with a gentle touch. And he stayed strong for me, by holding back his tears. But I know they would come out sooner or later.

Bursting into tears I sit up on the cold bed, I throw my arms around him and buried my face in his neck.

“How?” I ask, “how will I ever live with this disability, this is a nightmare! Life without color is a nightmare. Black is a nightmare, darkness is a nightmare, my life is a....”

“Stop, just stop. And think for a second. You have a wonderful life and a wonderful one ahead of you to, no matter if you can see or if you can’t. Just stop thinking this is a nightmare, because it won’t be when we figure this all out. This is not a nightmare, okay?” He takes a second to stop himself from crying and hugs me as tight as he possibly could. He smells like home, a place I would love to be right now.

“I just want to go home right now; I want to sleep in my own bed.” The hospital smelled like ammonia and the dentist’s office. The smell of disinfectant was everywhere.

“Okay, I’ll go ask the doctor, you wait right here, alright?” I could hear his footsteps somberly leaving the room.

Having my husband out of the room makes me feel lonely, and miserable. I don’t know whether there are other people in the room, other beds, what the weather is like, what clothes I am wearing or what the room even looks like. The only thing I see is blackness, I stare deeply into that depressing sight and close my eyes. I still see blackness, and darkness. Will this vision ever go away? Will this ever disappear? My sightless eyes continued to fill with tears, and I continue to think about life without color until someone came into the room.

“Audrey?” It was a familiar voice, a voice I knew very well.

“Mom!” I exclaimed, a rush of happiness struck my body. I sat up straight thinking I could see, and then knowing I can’t, Isobbedd a while longer.

“Awww, honey, I’m so glad to see you! Are you alright?” She didn’t hear a response so she continued, “Of course, you’re not, what a stupid question! The doctor told me about it.” I heard her cry a little too, but she tried to hide it by quietly taking a Kleenex and blowing her nose as quietly as possible. “I brought you something honey, it’s your favorite cake. Angel cake.”

“Thank you mom, but you know a gift doesn’t just make it all better, right. I mean, I am blind for god’s sake.” I finally admitted it to myself, hearing these words made me cry even harder. I turned around in my cold, stale bed, so that I could hide my face and cry as much as I wanted for as long as I wanted.

“I know honey; nobody said it was easy,”

I cried. No response from me. didn't’t say a word until Michael and I got home. My mother had left the hospital at this point. Although I can’t remember her leaving, I remember feeling empty and alone inside at one point. I could feel her disappearance in my bones. The car ride home was bleak; it felt weird not being able to see what was going on around me. I only felt the vibration of the car, and the wind from the window next to me blowing in my face. I closed the window and tried sleeping, but to me it all felt like sleeping, whether my eyes were open or not. Darkness was all around me. Following me everywhere, it felt unreal. It felt like my eyes were taped closed, and that I could rip the tape off so I could see. So that I could see happiness and joy, color.

“Wait right here, don’t move. I’ll open the door so you can get to your bed.” He cared too much for me, I felt like a disabled person around him. He was opening the front door of our warm and cozy house. A house I had decorated, with all my favorite colors and designs.

“Okay honey.”

I got in the house, the familiar smells, and sounds hit me. The antique clock, going tick tock tick tock every second. And the incense I had put up on the island in the kitchen. The house now smelled like warm vanilla. It felt like home, but that was because it was. Michael and I have lived here 5 years, and made it our little cozy house. I stepped further into the house and bumped into the coat rack. Sobbing even more, I knew this is what will happen more often.

“Are you okay!?”

“What do you think!? Of course I’m not okay; I am getting sick of that question! I just want to sleep. Please just bring me to my room.”

He brought me to our bed; I slowly got under the soft, clean covers. It felt warm against my skin, and I cried myself to sleep.