“I still remember the first time I saw her.”

“Tell me about it.”

“It was in late 2010, winter time. It was one of those nights that shouldn’t have happened.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I shouldn’t have been there. I was out all day and I was tired, but my friend asked me to go bowling with him, so I did. I got there really late. I really shouldn’t even have gone but I did. And she was there.

I mean, I’d seen her plenty of times before in pictures and all my friends knew her and talked about her but this was the first time I actually got to see her. It was dark in the bowling alley; some kid was having a party. All those crazy lights were going, loud music, you know the deal.

She was flawless.

I realized then that all of the pictures didn’t do her justice. She was radiant. And she has this smile. This smile is perpetually the most flawless thing about her. When she smiles, everyone around her smiles; the entire room lights up. She just has that affect on people. But she isn’t stuck up, not at all. She is the essence of humility and this made her even more beautiful.

But, like I said, this night shouldn’t have happened. By the time I got there, her and her friends were ready to leave. We were together for maybe ten minutes and that was it. But time slowed so much. When I think about it, I can recall every little detail.

She was wearing this red sweater, it flattered her perfectly. And she had these tan skinny jeans on with black Converses. Her curled, black hair settled perfectly in the nape of her neck. She was standing by the racks of bowling balls and everyone seemed to circle around her. She was just happy, she was real.

God, I can’t take it.”

“It’s okay, keep going.”

“After her and her friends left, I didn’t really know what to do; I wasn’t ready to go home just yet. So, I sat in the bar area of the bowling alley and ordered something to eat. And a Pepsi. She had me floored.”

“When did you see her again?”

“I mean, we had been at many of the same gatherings and had brief, random encounters after that night, but we really didn’t hang out until June of 2011. Things were awkward for me at first. Here I was, this boy completely floored by this girl I barely even knew and to her, I was just some random person that showed up places.

I don’t think she liked me at first. Like, she wanted nothing to do with. She thought I was weird and a stalker. Or something. All I know is that we didn’t really talk. I was trying too hard and she didn’t get it. But then things changed.

That night we hung out in June, she was able to get to know me. We were able to have a conversation that lasted longer than three minutes. I got her to laugh.

By the end of the night we had exchanged numbers. That maneuver took all my guts to pull. I was so nervous. I was thinking about it all day, how to pull it off, how to ask her without coming off as a weird stalker. It worked out though.

As a bunch of us were heading out, we all had our phones and were adding numbers so I had my chance and I just said ‘Hey, what’s your number?’ Simple as that. I don’t know why I got so worked up over it.
Then there was this one day at work in which I was extremely bored. I found some scrap wires and I braided them. Well, I attempted to braid them. I was thinking about her incessantly. I never take that bracelet off. Every time I look at it, it reminds me of where I was when I made it, what I was doing, how I was feeling.”

“What happened with your friendship, did it go anywhere; did you date?”

“It did. We didn’t date, but our friendship drew incredibly close. And that’s when my feelings became involved. We talked every day. At fist, as always, it was simple small talk, just goofing around but then it got deeper. I started telling her personal things. She told me personal things.

She became my best friend.

When I was in my melancholy states, which was rather often, she was the only one able to pull me back. I was miserable before I met her. I was surrounded by fake people and she was the first person in my life that wasn’t fake. She was real, genuine. She made me happy. I mean, there were other reasons I was unhappy before her, but it doesn’t matter. She brought me to my happiest state. It was the best feeling in the world.

And I fell for her.

I knew from the moment I saw her that this would happen, too, and I let it. I guess I never really thought what it would be like if she didn’t reciprocate my feelings.”

“When did you tell her how you feel?”

“June 11th, 2012. I flat out told her. I knew that she knew already, but I physically hadn’t confirmed or denied it. But honestly, it wasn’t that hard to tell. People knew we were good friends but a boy and a girl can never be best friends without at least one of them developing feelings. It just so happened that that was me. She didn’t have those same feelings back. I think I knew that all along but I didn’t want to believe it. I was happy living in my own world, happy with our friendship. But in June, I simply couldn’t take it any longer, I couldn’t hold back. So I told her.

She let me down easy. That was her nature. But it cut so deep. She was chill about it, but our friendship changed. We still talked, but she started to end the conversations more frequently, putting her phone on flight mode to avoid talking with me. It hurt. I hated that so much. And then things boiled up, as they always do.

I call it ‘The Day My Heart Broke.’ Is that dramatic enough for you?”

“No, I get it.”

“I thought I had lost her forever. It was the worst few days of my life. I remember the exact date. July 23rd-24th. It was like a bomb went off and just ripped up my heart and punched out my eyes and gouged my throat. I didn’t know what to do.

Looking back on it, it was stupid. But we were immature and I was stupid, blind even. She told me that she didn’t want to talk with me any more. Not at all. I cried all night unable to get her to answer my calls. The next day, I turned to a mutual friend of ours to try and mediate between us but it was useless. There was still no conversation between us. I sat against a tree on campus weeping on the phone to Sarah. That day at work, I was reckless. I had never been that way before. I hope I never get like that again. Me and my coworkers left campus and went to this park late at night. They had full intent on getting wasted. I was going to get wasted too. Anything to stop this pain. But 7-11 wasn’t selling alcohol.

The only person in our group that was 21 drove down the road and hit up another store. He brought back four 6-packs of beer.

I had never drunk before.

I got so wasted. I just didn’t stop. I kept going at it. I started to feel numb and I didn’t want that to go away. I kept drinking and drinking and drinking. I don’t even know how many bottles I imbibed down. I don’t remember how I got home that night either. I just woke up the next day in my bed with the worst headache I had ever experienced, and I get migraines rather frequently.

I didn’t do anything for the rest of the day. I took off from work the next day too. I refused to talk to anybody.

In that moment, I hated myself.

That was the worst spot I’ve ever been in.”

“How are you now? Do you still talk? Are you friends?”

“I mean, yeah, we talk infrequently, we’re still friends. It’s just different now. My feelings are still there, but they’ve dissipated.

She was the first girl I’d loved.”