I refresh my browser page again, tapping my fingers nervously as it loads. There’s been no change. You continue to keep me in suspense. You said “maybe” only a few hours ago, but I feel as though I’ve been waiting for weeks.

I want you to accept this. I want to know things are all right between us. I want to know that somehow, some way, you’ve managed to forgive me. I shouldn’t expect this. I can’t expect you to simply smile, tell me things are ok between us. I can’t do that to you. You deserve better, I know. I never denied that. And if you can’t get better from me, why should you stay? You shouldn’t. And yet, I still want you to stay.

I can’t be what you want. I can never be what you want. I see that now. I tried to be what you wanted – oh, how I tried! I couldn’t be. And it hurt you. And I wish I didn’t have to hurt you, but I could never have been what you wanted. And I still can’t be. I cannot be in love with you. I still do love you. But it is not the love you seek.

You found another girl. You danced with her, you talked with her. You found someone who could love you like I cannot. And I was happy for you. I was glad that you were loved. I hoped you could be happy. But alas, you could not love her the way she loved you. Nothing changed. I feel remorseful still.

I’ve made a horrible mistaken in the past. I still wish the deed had never been done, the lie never been told. I wish that I’d realized how I felt sooner; about you, about him. I wish I’d known what to say. I wish I’d known how I was acting, what my words truly meant. But I was silly, I was blind, I was ignorant, I was self-centered and superficial, and now I’ve lost you.

I feel too much. Far too many emotions grip my brain all at once, and far too strongly. I am confused, always confused, about what I feel. It took me a month of knowing you just to realize how I really felt, and even then it was never quite set in stone. Emotions for my brain are guidelines, never rules. In my conscious mind, I follow the guideline very strictly. But in the heat of the moment, when the trend is broken, certain things leak out into my actions that should not be there. I never think these things, but the undertone is set deep within my mind. You, on the other hand, like most people, were consistent. You naturally thought others were consistent as well. Our minds were too different, and complications arose. And so for weeks, we never spoke again.

I never realized how much I missed you until you spoke to me again. And then it all came pouring back. You are my best friend, and have been for months that could have been years. I know you don’t want to be. I know you want to be something else. But I can’t help how I feel. I tried to help it. I tried to return your feelings. But I couldn’t. No matter how many times I looked on you with affection, the affection remained stubbornly friendly.

Please accept this. Please forgive me. Please tell me things can be happy again.