It was't intentional.
It never is.
The battle started four years ago. The beginning of the end.
I was at my friend's birthday party. All the girls of my class were there, I had always been on a pudgy side but not like Saya, who looked like a rhino and ate twice as much as anyone. All the party games were over and it was time to eat the cake. I was just about to have a second slice of the delicious two-tiered chocolate cake when a relative of the birthday girl swatted at my arm.
"Do you really need another slice?" she said and then looked pointedly at my stomach.
Although no one had heard our conversation, I was extremely embarrassed. I ran to the safety of the bathroom. I was sure that everyone thought that I was going to be the next Saya. Just yesterday, a classmate had called me a bull. How long would it take me to become a rhino?A rhino destined to be ridiculed forever, my walk mocked, my size a constant joke.
I started sobbing. I didn't want to become fat. Fat girls are ugly. Thin girls are beautiful. This norm is accepted by the society. I looked at the mirror. I was fat. I was ugly. I was doomed to be an outsider, someone who gets no dates, a repulsive creature , forever alone.
Then a thought struck my mind.
What if I stop eating?
In one minute, my life changed it's course.
It was hard at first. I finally got to know what horrible things hunger pangs are. I couldn't sleep at night because the pain would keep me awake. But slowly, the pain became familiar, even comforting. I had absolute control over my pain and it felt divine. I started on my journey to become thin and pretty.
For sometime, I could fool my parents. There was always an excuse for not eating. I could skip lunch at school and give the dinner to my dog. My dog gained all the kilos I lost.I drank only juices of vegetables because fruits contain sugar, and that also because otherwise I would have not been able to function.
It is a deadly combination- having an eating disorder and being smart enough to hide it.
My weight loss was however, very noticeable. I got compliments almost everyday, with little girls swearing that they wanted my body when the grew up. I got envious looks when I told the salesgirl that I was a size two. This moreover fueled my desire to become even skinnier.
But I was still unhappy. Even after an year of starving, I could not fit into a size zero dress.I was ugly and fat and worthless. Absolutely worthless.
Then the side-effects began. My hair growth accelerated to the point where I had to shave everyday to not look like a werewolf.My menstrual cycle stopped. I was five-eight but weighed forty four kilos.
The game was finally up when I fainted in my Physical Education class. My parents had become suspicious and their worst fears were confirmed when the principal called home.
The treatment slowly began. I was to say my affirmations everyday- I am pretty just the way I am. I don't need to reduce weight.I am beautiful. I am worthy of my love.
I finally became free after a series of lapses. I started eating happily, gained some weight and my shape started rounding up. I was healthy.
Now I have again relapsed.
The last two years seemed to have made no difference.
It is a struggle for me to eat a proper sandwich, a struggle to not throw it away, a struggle to not think of it as poisonous. I know that it is unhealthy but I don't want to be ugly anymore.Fats disgust me, carbohydrates are a girl's worst friend and proteins are for thin girls.
Not fat ones.