Scarlett.
Go, you said. It’s okay. I’ll be fine. And I thought at the time, that it was okay. But now, I know that I shouldn’t have left you. Maybe I blame it on the spur of the moment. The bursting excitement of finally experiencing the feeling of being wanted blurred my sense of loyalty to you. Or maybe it was the chance to escape. Or having the possibility of my future not in someone else’s hands, but in mine. Or maybe it was all of those things. I don’t know, it happened so quick. Next thing I knew, I was suddenly in the car with my things packed up waving goodbye to you through the lines of the back window. As you grew tinier and tinier as I became farther and farther away from you, I remember seeing the sparkle beneath your right eye. You were smiling and so I thought that it was just the sun beating against your skin. Or maybe it was a lone glitter speck from your shirt that managed to creep up onto your cheek. Or maybe it was God’s way of telling me I had made the right decision. But now, I realized that it wasn’t any of those things. It was a tear and it was your tear.
I can’t say I don’t like it here. That wouldn’t be fair to the Connelly’s or to you. Because you taught me to always be completely honest. I was relieved that I could have someone that I could completely trust and I think you were too. Because we were sick of all the lies that our life was built upon and were surrounded by. But sometimes, it hurt when we told the truth. Like the time when you said my legs looked like the pik-nik sticks we used to eat in the can and that my head was so big that it looked like my legs couldn’t bear the weight of it. Or when I said that your hair was so curly that you could put an apple in it and never find it again. Remember you didn’t talk to me for two days? Instead you pretended to read my Star Trek encyclopedia, I got for my birthday and I knew you weren’t really reading it because you never seen the movies. But in the end, the truth was all I had to hold onto. Because when you told me that your mother had given you up at the hospital you were born because you were a secret baby from a secret affair, I was the happiest kid in the world. Not because of what happened with your mom, but because I wasn’t alone anymore. We were misfits together.
I’m sorry. I didn’t think about you. I only thought about me. Leaving the system forever. But if I had stayed, it would also mean that I wouldn’t have a home with the Connellys which you wouldn’t have wanted. Because I always knew that the reason you stayed was because of me. Even though you had a new interested couple about every two weeks, you managed to blow the interview just so you could stay until I finally got one. You waited for me to be there for me because I needed you. And now, I wasn’t there for you and now you’re gone.
I blame it on myself but they tell me that it’s not my fault. And you told me that too. They gave me your letter you left me. I still have it.
In the letter, you don’t talk about how they pushed, yelled, and hit you. You don’t mention the bruises and slap marks found on your body. You don’t talk about how the home you went to because all of the other ones didn’t want you because you waited for me, abused you. And I think you didn’t say all of those things because you wanted the last memory of yourself to me to be happy.
Remember when we were in our beds looking out the window, out into the dark city? You told me you wanted to go to the top of the tallest building in the world in Dubai because you wanted to see the world as high up as possible. You asked me what I would think the view would look like and I responded I don’t know because I was six and the highest I ever been was the five-story building that our foster care was located at. Then you said that it probably look like the most beautiful things you ever saw and I promised that I would take you there someday. And guess what Scar? I kept my promise to you. We’re here. And you were right, it is beautiful.
-Freddie