Pockets Emptied

Being a person of detail has come to bite me in the rear. When I draw a picture or pull things out of a story or a problem, this characteristic is my best friend. In fact, I could almost take pride in it, though it’s merely a snippet of the artist in me. But this characteristic has aided in a great sin of mine, starting as a small bubble and slowly but surely swelling into a great mass of reputation which has blown my head up to extra-large sizes. I have come to recognize this sin, and it comes in the image of a small hand mirror.

“Come on now, everybody! Come on now, everyone! We’re like a locomotive, under the BIG HOT SUUUUN!” I sang at the top of my lungs, declaring the words to the moonlit cornfields. The tassels swayed quietly in their sleep, but my life was swirled upside down with the bass cranked up high. Lexi and I were taking one of our late night drives to who knows where and our driving traditions were in full swinging glory with the windows and sun roof open, and the music turned up loud. Walk Off the Earth was chanting the chorus of my current favorite track and we wanted the whole world to know the words.

“We’re chained to the gang of rhythm, the song is never done! Come on now, everybody! Come on now, everyone! COME ON NOW, EVERYONE!” My throat burned with the anthem, rushing through me and absorbing into my veins and dwelling in my atmosphere. My atmosphere. The thought invigorated me. I felt on top of the world; the high of the music was like a drug in my system, and I was invincible. The Buick which we named Bruno sped over the country roads, taking charge over the deserted drag. Fatefully, we weren’t the only ones who thought we owned the road that night.

Darkness; then in an instant, light was everywhere. White light with an impenetrable, scorching stare filled my sight. The smell of burning rubber and the taste of blood and glass, was everywhere. After the light, all I saw was Lexi’s corpse beside mine. But I also saw my body, mangled within the burning vehicle and ripped open like a busted stuffed animal; the spilled stuffing replaced with bloody intestines. With all my energy, I looked back at Lexi, who also looked like a dissected frog with skin that was peeled away and marinated in gasoline. In the opposite ditch was a semi-truck with a barely crushed front bumper.

This is how I imagine dying. My last thoughts wandering to my favored memories and then I’m gone, going to either heaven or hell. As my spirit symbolically drifts out of my shell and looks at the world one more time, it steps into an imaginary elevator which already has a button pushed by the elevator Master. My little spirit drifts fearfully into the elevator, the doors sliding shut slowly and I get my last glimpse of my physical self, spread like butter, over the pavement.

The doors close and I shove my hands into my pockets, one cramping up as it hits something hard and I pull out a little hand mirror. I see my reflection in it, but not one I recognize. This is not the fair complexion, blonde hair-framed face that I’ve known as myself. This is a dark, unsightly beast with a grotesque name scraped into the forehead. The name is Selfish. I look over at the elevator button which has been pressed. Out of the two, mine says DOWN.

I understand what the mirror is; the mirror is my life, reflecting myself as I really am- a selfish and sinful savage. What I saw of myself before was a mask which had been wrenched painfully away. Why did I have to die to see how I really looked? I wasn’t ready to die. I didn’t want to face my fate when the elevator stopped and the doors opened. I wanted to curl up in the corner of the small room and die. But that was my problem. I am dead.
Isn’t there another way? Can I restart? I started to infuriate myself. Why didn’t I do better and follow The Law? Is this how people saw me as a person? A selfish brat who cared only about herself? I remember spending a lot of time improving myself instead of letting God improve me. I’d stand in front of my mirror and pick out details of myself in which I ungratefully wanted change. The things God created and saw beautiful which I thought was hideous and wanted gone. This was the world in me, and now the world had swallowed me up, and I was going to live in its fiery stomach for all of eternity.
I screamed and kicked the walls of the elevator, which was still plummeting to hell. I wanted to change. I didn’t want to be remembered as the girl who lived for herself, but the girl who lived for Jesus and served others before herself. I wanted to live John 3:30 which says, He must increase, I must decrease. I wanted to stop looking at my details and my attempts at changing them to fit the world, but let the God of salvation take over completely. I wanted to be done with putting others down and lifting myself up, glorifying me. My spirit crumpled inside the elevator and melted into a puddle. I cried out to the Lord and repented. I wanted to make a difference and live a life of love. Before I died, I felt the Spirit working in me, but I had never put to action what had been molded accordingly.
The elevator stopped and the doors slid opened. I tiptoed to the opening, stricken weak with tremulous dread. But what I saw was not hell, but instead my second chance. My spirit overlooked an operating room, in which my physical body was being revived. I had been stitched up and they were trying to get my heart to thrive once more. I saw what was going on, God was giving me my second chance, all I had to do was leap into my body and follow Him. I jumped from the elevator and catapulted my willing spirit towards my lifeless body on the operating table.
I felt my heart pulsing and heard in the distance doctors cheering. I knew it was not because of them that I was alive again. God was giving me a second chance to rename myself in Him. To not be known as Selfish, but to be known as Selfless, as Loved, as Saved, Servant, Peace, Joy, Patience, Forgiven and Precious In His Name.