Introspection is the examination or observation of one’s own mental and emotional processes.
I was thinking about the decision I was about to make, before I stepped out the front door. Was it the going to be the right choice, or will the outcome ruin the lives of my loved ones? I knew it was wrong, but as pessimistic as I can be, even though I knew a lot of decisions I’ve made in the past have been wrong, I still make the decisions. I can’t help it, and I’m not sure why. I always thought negatively of situations. In my head all I could think about is that nothing would be okay for me unless I did this, but it always seemed like there was another thought coming in from a distance trying to cheer me up, saying it could be okay if I didn’t do this. I always seem confused.

The light was irritating my eyes. I thought deeply of this situation I was going through. Why did I have to experience real life so early? Why did my dad choose drugs over me when he should have been taking care of his son that was in elementary school? Why did my mother get breast cancer? Why was I kicked out of my house at fifteen for something I didn’t even do? I had to stay at a friend’s house until my dad came to the realization of what he had done. Now it’s just difficult living between two families that have grudges held on one another, and I’m stuck in the middle. I don’t want to be in the middle anymore, I don’t even want to be... Why couldn’t life just get a little bit better for a short time and let me take a breather? It seemed like there was always something going wrong in my life, whether it be a big problem or a small problem, it still bothered me. I’m just getting tired of all this s***. The Interstate-5 bridge is only about fifteen minutes away… I think I’m going to go take a look at the Columbia River.

I never thought it would come to this. My short temper is really getting to me. I’m in the car now; I have on a playlist of overly upbeat, bassy songs to build up my willpower. What’s the purpose of life? You wake up early every morning so you can force feed yourself, drive to school so you can sit in a classroom and learn about the world when in reality the world is outside that classroom and you’re not out there truly learning about it. Eventually graduating and going to that stellar college, so you can have that good job so you can pay back your student loans, then pay rent for a home that you leave vacant all day long until you need to sleep, so you can repeat that same process over and over again, then conceive children so they can repeat the same process you’re still going through because that’s what gets you accepted into society—insanity. I need to live, but it’s so much easier said than done. Being seventeen, living with parents who raise your standards makes it quite difficult. I just count down the days until I’m “free.” I’m driving toward the bridge.

I take the exit just before the bridge to find a parking spot because I don’t want to interfere with traffic like the last guy did. It’s about eleven o’ clock at night. I find the parking spot and get out of my car to find a pathway to walk up to the bridge. I begin to walk across it, and if it takes s*** to make bliss, then I feel pretty blissfully. The glowing lights from Portland and Downtown Vancouver are beautiful, but the water looks even better. Why am I even depressed? Aren’t you the one who said “in the end everything will be okay, and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end?” I’m so confused about my own consciousness. It almost feels like there are two of me. As I’m walking across the bridge I can see another individual passing the bridge as well. I’m usually intimidated by others at night, but I felt some sort of comfort. This is strange. I know that individual, it’s Jesse. Jesse is a person I’ve always been sort of envied. His lifestyle just seemed perfect to me, it’s everything I’ve always wanted. We were on the same football team until he graduated and moved on to real life. That made me even more jealous because he was “free.” I’m still stuck here, but I honestly feel prepared to move on into “freedom” but legally I can’t do that. Jealousy’s a b****.

Jesse is that you?
“Oh hey, weird seeing you here man, long time, no see. What are you doing here?” Jesse says with a smirk on his face and positivity you can see in his eyes.
I just needed to get some fresh air and clear my head, but why are you up here right now?
“I do this all the time, I’ve never seen you up here before, so I think we should be more concerned about you.”
I really just needed to clear my head; I’ve just been kind of stressed lately, I guess.
He suggests I chill with him and catch up on life. It’s getting cold so I accept tell him to walk to my car with me and we can chill for a little while before I go back home.

We walk back to my car slowly to embrace the void. The universe above us, the cool, jeweled stars settled me down for a few short moments and helps me forget about my situation and the action I was about to take. Jesse has the life I wish I could have, he always seemed happy and made others laugh, he had a beautiful girlfriend I wish I could have, and I honestly always wanted to be like him. His life seemed great, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

We got into my car and I just drove around downtown Vancouver because I wasn’t sure where to go. He played a few good songs from bands I’ve never heard of. He was always known for his knowledge of music and his taste in music. I was beginning to grow of boredom from our silence so began to drive back toward Orchards and I told him I needed to go home. He spoke,
“What are you doing with yourself?” he said.
I honestly don’t know, I live my life with a lot of regrets. I do what I do because it makes my family happy.
“That’s no way to live our life; you need to do what makes you happy, because in the end, the only person you’ll have is yourself. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean to make others unhappy, but in the end you’re honestly the only person that matters. All the pretty possessions you own can’t go with you to the after-life. The possessions own you. You can’t take a college degree with you to the after-life. Just live life the way you want to for our satisfaction.” He preached.
I feel like I’ve said this to myself before. It’s just so much easier said than done.

We haven’t spoken for a good ten minutes or so. We haven’t even looked at each other. The gas light sparks on and I realize I need to get some gas. We pull up to a Shell. I told him to just wait a second and I’ll be back at out. When I come back out and start pumping gas I notice a void in my car. Jesse disappeared. How did I not notice? I just let it pass and hope he gets wherever he’s going safely and just head home. I sneak in quietly so my mother isn’t alerted. I attempt to sleep, but it’s always difficult when your mind is moving around.

I woke up this morning but it wasn’t from an alarm, it was Jesse. What was Jesse doing here? He raised his voice at me and told me to get ready for school because today is going to be a good day. It’s never a good day, I say to myself in my head.
“Shut up.” Jesse said.
What? I just let it pass and get ready real fast and head out the door and drive to school. I don’t want to be here. Why is Jesse coming to school with me? He graduated.
Why are you coming to school with me?
“I’ll only be here for a few.” He says.
Whatever, we get to school and he holds the door for me to get in and I’m just walking in silence when I notice he’s gone, again. This is getting weird. What’s going on? A few hours pass, more like ten.
I’m finally home from school and football practice and I try to relax. My eyes shutter closed. I hear something. My eyes slowly spring open like a kitchen cabinet. It’s Jesse. What. The. Hell.
This is my house man, what the hell are you doing here and how did you get in?
“Don’t worry about it.” He says, “You need to cheer up.”
How do you keep finding me?
“I’m always with us. I’m here to help you find the positive in your life so you’re not the big ball of depression you come off as. I think you understand.”
I understand, but I don’t want to accept it. Jesse and I wear the same skin but use it different times.

It’s tomorrow and I have my friends at school telling me stories of jokes I had told the day before and how I brought good vibes to school, but I don’t remember any of it until it’s brought up. This is all making sense. I’d like to forget about the multiple thoughts in my head and move on with life, but honestly I think it’s better to have my positive and negative side to help even life out. The thoughts in my head were processed from Jesse.
I am Jesse.