“Mom? Dad? I feel that I am not cut out for college. I know that you have been saving since my birth and that it is the only joy you would ever know if I were to graduate with a PHD in modern science, but I just can’t do it. I will never win the Noble Prize or discover the cure for cancer. College is for those who belong there. For those who have worked hard to get where they are. I am not one of those people. I wish I could be what you want me to be, but sadly, all I can be is me. I want to follow my dreams. This is most likely going to crush your souls and I will have to live with the fact that, once again, I have disappointed you. Please believe that this was not intentional.”

I smiled at my reflection. I could do this. “You are going to march in there and tell them.” I made my voice deep and my face wrinkled with discipline. “Now go soldier!” I had been planning this moment in my head for what seemed like years. They were going to be so disappointed in me. I remember those commercials that showed parents how to set up a collage life fund for their children. What I never understood was that nobody ever asked the baby if he wanted to go to college. Everything was already decided for him.

That baby was a lot like me. I was supposed to be this amazing person with a 4.0 GPA and no distractions. Even if I wanted to go to college I doubt I would even get accepted. I am completely average in every way.

Maybe they could understand. It’s a possibility that all they want for me is to be happy. I thought to myself as I tried to build my courage.

The Reflection General returned. She looked me square in the eye and screamed, “It’s now or never. Never back down!”


“Yes. General!” I screamed back.

Just then a knock sounded at my bathroom door. “Shut up, I’m trying to watch T.V.” My sister yelled through the locked door. I guess in all the excitement I had forgotten anyone was home. Oops!

In order to feel less crazy, I flushed the toilet and pretended to wash my hands. Though, I wondered if doing so made the situation even more peculiar. I looked at the General one last time. She gave a reassuring nod and I unlocked the door.

I marched up to my parents and said what I had been dying to for years. “What’s for dinner?” I could feel the Reflection General slapping me on the forehead. Hey, what can I say? I am a chicken.

My mom answered, while still looking at the pile of receipts and bills crowding her desk, “Whatever you want, I am a little busy tonight. There is leftover meatloaf in the refrigerator.” Meatloaf is the most repulsive form in which meat is consumed. My mom is like most mothers. She cooks. She cleans. She does it all, while complaining.

“Oh, that sounds fine.” I said while trying to suppress the gag that was trying to choke me. The night just kept getting better and better. I ate the meatloaf, but only because I thought that if I was going to break news of that high caliber on the disappointment scale, it was the least I could do.

After dinner I washed the dishes just for good measure. While I let the plates soak I looked into the suds and thought about fear. I thought about first grade when the teacher asked us to write down our biggest fear. Most wrote down things like spiders, sharks, or random elk goring them in their sleep. I wrote down my sister. My fears changed as I grew older. My greatest fear now is failure, though my sister is still a close second.

You are seventeen years old. You can make you own decisions. I thought as I wiped a plate clean. So what if they hate you and kick you out because you’ve wasted seventeen years of their lives? No big deal.
After the dishes were clean and dried I knew I couldn’t delay any longer. As I approached my parents, I felt like I was stomping through a field of broken glass, barefoot. I walked with confidence at first but my steps began to falter as I neared them. My heart pounded so fiercely, I feared it would make me choke. Then everything changed. I realized too late that I was walking to the front lines of the greatest war ever to be known.
Fear. That is the only thing on my mind. I jump at the nearby explosion. They are getting closer. The counter that once separated me from them is no longer in its place. It has become the barricade I shrink behind now. The floor under my feet turns to mud. Boots caked in blood slosh past me as if I was already gone. They move without concern only caution.
My fingers shake as I load my own weapon. How did I get here? The enemy fires, holding nothing back. Mud and blood of the once noble and brave now stain my clothing and reminds me that it takes only moments to lose everything. The thundering of bombs rains down on me. Shrapnel and debris shower me as I fly through the air. My gear is gone. I have no way to defend myself.
Crawling to my fellow comrades I see that none of them had survived the blow. I am both, defenseless and alone. I make my way to a destroyed jeep and make myself invisible. Sweat and tears soak my face, but I don’t have the time or ambition to question which is making its way into my mouth. There is no hope of victory, only survival.
The General runs to me. She pulls me up and drags me away from the line of fire. Even though I am grateful I do not see why she would risk her life for mine. I can’t help but think that what she had done was foolish. Surely, she must know, I am a lost cause.
The General sets me down rather roughly. She looks at me hard for a moment then screams in that voice of hers. “Get it together!” Just then gun fire surrounds us. “Get down!” she commands. She covers me with her own body saving me. When the terror and sound had ceased she looked me in the eyes. She was fading and it was my fault.
Blood began to run from her mouth. The General was shaking so intensely all I could do was stare. She rolled over and lay on the sand bag on the ground. Her hand stretched toward me and I took it. With what strength she had left she pulled me to her.
“Never…. Back….. Down.” Those were her last words. She died right there in my arms. I cried harder for her then I had my entire life. I put my head in my hands and rocked back and forth. I killed her. Because of my foolish desires the only person to ever believe in me lay dead on the ground.
“Honey? Are you alright?” The strange voice beacons to me and I look up. I find, not a battle field but my living room. The jeep that had been destroyed was my couch.
“Um, yes,” I answered.
“Are you sure? You look upset.” My mother asked, her voice dripping with concern. I put my hand to my face and found tears resting there. It was real. It had to be. I saw death caused by the simplest of argument; arguments that were blown out of proportion. The General had said to never back down. Backing down seems to be the best option for me now. My decision has the potential to affect more than just myself or my parents. Maybe now is just not the time to present them with this news.
“Yea, I’m sure. Just stubbed my toe.” Not the best excuse in the world but it was the best I could do on the spot. I turned my back and limped away from them.
I will fight again, tomorrow. There is always tomorrow.