We’re sitting in my car again. Lennon talking, me zoning out. He was talking about some game he played and I listened for most of it, until little thoughts started to skirt around in my head. Wait till he figures out he doesn't like you, wait till he finds someone better. I looked at him, I mean really looked at him and started to admire the little things that he did. Like how he talked with his hands; waving them around like a contemporary dance, and when he moved his head his brown hair would fall across his eyes. Or how his eyes shined like the moon the entire time he talked, showing how excited he was. But the biggest thing I noticed, the thing that had to be my favorite thing about him, was his smile. He smiled when he talked and lit up the room. He smiled a lot, but when he talked he did it even more and I loved that about him. His smile always made me feel better. I always wondered, every time I noticed these things, how he ever could want to be with me. His voice saying my name pulled me out of my own thoughts and I knew he had caught the wondering in my eyes.


“Emily, are you ok?” Lennon asks, you look like you're a million miles away.” He gave me the Don’t lie I’ll know look. He was right. He would know if I was lying. I still couldn’t tell him the truth. I still lied.


“Yeah, I’m fine,” I failed. The look on his face stayed and I knew I was caught. There was more to the look though, something like disappointment. Seeing that killed me because that’s the last feeling I ever want to cause in him.

“Don’t lie to me. I know you're not. Just tell me what's wrong. I’m not gonna get pissed, maybe I can help.” He pleaded. His eyes showed me everything he felt; worry, happiness, yearning to help me, but most of all worry. He didn’t know what I was thinking about and he was worried something bad was going to happen. He was worried I was going to end things. I had to set him straight so I said it.

“I’m thinking about when you’re going to find someone better than me or something you don't like and leave.” There. I said it. And I hated my mouth the entire time. My head was screaming at me to shut up but I had to do it. He looked at me, swallowing what I had just divulged, and then his face dropped. He told me once it hurt him to hear me say these things and now I see he wasn’t lying. I looked down, pissed off at myself for opening my mouth. I knew I should’ve just kept the lie going. I was still looking down when I felt his hands on mine. They were smooth and soft. I loved the feeling.

“Emily, I need you to look at me and listen.” He sounded… not mad, more sad and stern. I looked in his eyes and felt paralyzed. The feeling they held in them was overpowering. Yet I couldn’t place what it was. “You always ask me that question and my answer’s always the same. NEVER. I have no reason to ever leave you. You always say you don’t understand how I think you’re pretty. Well, I don’t. I think you’re beautiful. You ask how I can put up with the annoying parts of you. I DON’T think there are any annoying parts. Emily, I just want you to believe me when I tell you I love you and there’s nothing you or anyone else can say or do that will change that. You’ve been in my life for four years and I don't want you to leave it ok? I promise I’m not going anywhere.” He finished and wiped away the tears that were rolling down my cheeks.

I cried after that. But I also realized something. I realized that he was telling me the truth. He really does feel all those things he said and believe the things he said. All of my worry, all of my self-doubt, it was for nothing. He’s going nowhere and I truly don’t have anything to worry about anymore.

I don’t have those thoughts anymore and now, because of him telling me the truth and always being there I'm a lot happier than I was. Those thoughts are in a whole different place and out of my head… Where they’ll stay for good.