A Boy, who struggles with depression, finds himself latching onto external reasons for his unhappiness, instead of studying the source of his emotions.

Chapter 1: The DIfference Between Crashing And Falling

[opens on X and middle aged therapist in suit sitting in facing chairs]

X: Well I mean when I reflect on my life, it seems pretty happy. Not much bad stuff happens to me per se, but its kinda balanced by the absence of good stuff that happens. Im kinda stuck in a cycle of me not doing anything, and the world doing whatever it feels like to me. Its very strange how that works. Because when you go to a counselor or a therapist, they always say, “Kid, you get out of life whatever you put in.” Thats malarkey. Life is gonna happen whether you do anything or not. Its not like if I just sit in this chair, life is just gonna be like whatever he isn’t doing anything, let’s just leave him alone. Life doesn’t give a s*** about you. Life is gonna happen and affect you and get at you regardless of what you do. So that’s why this is all pointless. [gesturing to room]

Therapist: But why don’t you want to be here?

X: [stunned silence]

X: [under his breath] I’m done with you people.

[S walking from left to right on sidewalk with backpack, the title in white letters at top of frame.]

[S walks into house]

Mom in the distance: how was your conversation?

X: Mom, its not a conversation, it’s a therapy session. We didn't have tea and gossip, we talked about what everyone says is wrong with me.

M: Well, when it becomes something that’s wrong with you and not something people say is wrong with you, then you will know you are making progress.

X: [after a pause] *in a sweet tone* Can I be perfectly honest with you?

M: Of course honey!

X: That’s the dumbest thing I have heard all day, and I just talked to a therapist for an hour.

[silence]

X: I’m sorry, that was really mean.

M: That’s ok. How did it go?

X: Okay I guess. He talked a lot about how I have to try to get better, not just wish it to happen.

M: So?

X: So what?

M: Are you going to?

X: Mom, if it was that easy I wouldn’t be here in the first place.

[4 second silence]

M: Well, at least you’re going to meetings, right?

X: [indifferent scoff] [pause]

X: Do you ever wish you had an physical illness?

M: No, why would you say such a thing?

X: Because its so much easier to explain. Like who is more sick, a kid who is obese, or a depressed kid. Its the obese kid. Without a doubt, right? But I mean, the chances of him dying of being obese are slim. But depressed kids kill themselves a lot more than obese kids die of heart attacks. So wouldn’t depression be worse?

M: Well yeah but obesity is more obvious.

X: That’s not true. It’s just that you don’t have to talk to somebody to find out if they are obese.

[switch to X walking with pretty girl, tall]

G: So how is everything with, you know, what ever.

X: Oh you don't want to hear about that. It's really weird and I won't shut up once I start.

G: No it's fine. I like it when you are all deep.

X: Trust me so do I.

G: What do you mean?

X: Oh nothing. (Beat). You know there is this one quote by someone who is really important that goes "my one regret in life is that I am not somebody else". Do you know what that means?

G: Does it mean you are just bored with yourself?

X: No, not really. I mean yes, but not in this context. I hate to really define it because you can't, but to me, it means that the person you are would probably be happier just not existing.

G: how could someone be happier if they are dead? they’re dead. they don't feel anything.

X: Well some people don't feel anything when they are alive.

G: I don't get it.

X: Its almost  like life is a long string of numbers, and there is one number that is much lower than the rest. Now, the average of those numbers would be higher if that low number simply was taken out.

G: Well if you want to increase the average, why not just increase that low number?

X: Because then it's a different number. You didn't change that low number, you just replaced it. Do you know what I mean?

G: Kind of. Math isn't really my thing.

X: yeah.

[switch to X sitting in corner of room opposite from door with headphones on, plugged into laptop.]

M: Honey you spend all day on that computer. Why don’t you do something a little more creative? You're so creative. I could get you some paint or something if you want. Or maybe like a collage? Get some cool stuff from magazines and newspapers and make something cool.

[silence]

You know honey, you’re so smart. I really wish you wouldn't go on that computer for hours and instead go make something like you did when you were a kid. I still have your painting of a pretend monster. [giggle]

X: Yeah I'll be out in a minute, I just want to finish this.

M: O.K. see ya in a bit.

[Camera switches position to show laptop is turned off]

[short montage of his and friend hiking, kinda distant.]

F: So what did she say?

X: ...she said i had to leave.

[F laughs]

X: and to never come back.  I will never look at ribs the same way again.

F: nice, nice. So how are you feeling, man? [sarcastic voice] unload all your troubles unto me, o weary traveler.]

X: you really want to go down this rabbit hole?

F: i am on a hike with you that will probably last at least 3 hours. im not just gonna walk in silence.

X: alright, well, i mean my psych is a crazy person.

F: well thats a given.

X: and, um, he giving me the normal ‘you have to try’ thing...

F: well are you?

X: [surprised] are you a psych now?

F: no, but its important.

X: well what do you mean its important? i can try all i want but i can't try myself better!

F: [casual scoff] you’re falling, dude.

X: what do you mean ‘i'm falling’

F: you think you're crashing. you think the world is hitting you in the face. you think that everything you do doesn't work, because the world is knocking you down every time   you stand up. its not like that. You, my friend, are falling. you are simply refusing to interact. to be involved. so you fall. and either you can grab onto the wall, or a ladder, or a vine for future

f's sake, and climb up, or you can hit the bottom. which one sounds more pleasant to you?

X: What is this, an intervention?

F: No, man. its just i... well i guess i should say i hate you much less than most other people.

X: It warms my heart everytime you profess your non-hatred towards me.

F: I try man, i really do.