“How did it come to this?”

I’m looking at someone in the mirror.
I don’t recognize her.
She has such a pale face and very dark brown hair.
Her lips show only a hint of light pink.
The only color you can see on her is the red in her eyes.
The red from the many tears she cried before.
The red showing the pain she’s held for so long.
The pain of being a prisoner who has the key but won’t put it in the lock.

“Richie. I’m gunna break out of this. I promise.”

~ 7 years earlier ~

I never wanted to join debate club.
I was never interested in any law or debate growing up.
My true passion was in art, music and writing but that’s not what she wants for me.

“Do you have to sign me up for debate? I don’t even like debate.”
“You know I’d be thankful that you have a mother that-“

That’s where I stop her.
She’ll go on about how horrible her mother was.
How she had to work since she was 10.
How her mother abandoned her at 13.
How she was pregnant and had nowhere to go.
How she had horrible teen years.
This is her same old story when she wants me to do something her way.

“Okay Mom, sign me up for it.”
She signs my signature name and hers on the paper.
Nothing more was said.
The only sound I could hear was my heart.
Begging to be let out of it’s suffocating cage.
Not today.
Not ever.

~3 years later~

“You’re so stupid!”

She’s yelling at me again.
Her face is turning redder by the second.
Her eyes are full of disappointment and anger.
I can see my reflection in them.
I can feel the tears stinging my eyes as they slide down my cheek.
My head’s buzzing with things I shouldn’t say to her.

“How the h*ll are you gunna go to college if you can’t even get an A in Geometry?!”
“I’m doing my best Mom.”
“Why didn’t you get an A then?! Huh?!”
“Barely anyone passed.”
“Rose! I don’t care about everyone else! Do better!”
“I got the best score in my class!”

Well that hurt.
I can feel the burning sensation on my left cheek.
Now I can feel it on my lips.
Now that really hurts.
I think it’s bleeding a little.
Did I raise my voice?
I must have or else she wouldn’t have slapped me.

“I’m your mom! Show me some respect!”

I wish I could tell her to give me respect.
Instead of yelling, slapping then leaving me to cry and feel stupid.

~The next day~

“You can’t let her do this anymore Rose.”

Richie’s right.
I need to stop letting her get to me.
How?

“I should have studied more.”
“You studied for a whole week at lunch and after school!”
“An I still didn’t get an A? How pathetic.”

Richie just looks at me with his sweet blue eyes.
They’re full of worry and pain.
Pain I’ve caused him by telling him this.

“She’s my mom Richie. She just wants me to have-“
“A better life than hers. I know I know but does she have to tell you by hitting and calling you names you?”

Ouch, right in the heart.

“I don’t know what to do!”

Oh no!
My voice just cracked.
I’m starting to tear up.
I need to stop.

“Just cry Rose.”

I cry my heart out as he hugs me.
I can feel the tears and snot starting to spread on his shirt.
I feel bad for him.
He’s been there for me since we were 5.
He could never get a girlfriend because of me.
He was fine with it though.
He never wanted any other girl but me.
I love this kid.
With every piece of my broken heart and soul, I love him.

“It’ll be okay.”
“Maybe once you get me that ring you promised me”

He smiles.
I know he’s thinking of that day.
The day when we were 10 years old and he asked me to marry him.
I said yes.
We gave each other our first kiss.
It was the day I knew there was still happiness in life.

“First we have to go to college so you can be a teacher and I can be a doctor.”
“You mean so I can go be a lawyer.”
“Rose, you hate law.”
“It’s what I chose.”
“You mean your mom.”
“It won’t be so bad.”
“You’re becoming your dream whether your mom like it or not.”

His lips feel soft.
It feels like time has stopped.
Nothing but reality can ruin this moment now.

“You gotta stop surprise kissing me like that Rose.”
“What you said just made me really happy. I wanted you to feel happy with me.”
“So you thought kissing me would make me happy?”
“Was I bad at it?”
“No.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, it was good.”
“So why are you complaining?”
“ROSE! I LOVE YOU! NOW SHUT UP!”
“Only if you kiss me.”

He didn’t hesitate.
I really like this feeling.
I can feel our heart’s beat at the same time.

“I love you too Richie.”

~4 years later~

“Why did it have to come to this?”

He never wanted this for me.
I don’t want this for me.
Why did I let myself all this time?
I can’t let my life continue to be controlled.
His last few words told me everything I needed to do.

“Rose you need to come out. You can’t stay in your room forever.”
“The funeral was only a few days ago.”
“It was two weeks ago. Rose I know you’re in pain but you have to keep moving on with your life.”

No, you want me to live the life you always wanted.

“I need more time.”
“No you don’t. Now get out of your room and come with me.”

Why?
So this feeling of agony can intensify as you tell me what to do.
I’m not gunna be your puppet any longer.

“Rose come out now. Richie wouldn’t want this for you.”

What did she just say?!

“You don’t know what Richie wanted for me! You don’t know anything!”
“Do not talk to me that way! I am your mom! Show-“
“Some respect! I always have! The one who needs some manners is you!”
“If you talk to me like that one more time-“
“You’ll hit me, right?! Like you always do after I’ve done ‘something very wrong’!”

She’s not gunna slap me.
Not this time.
“Richie never wanted something like this for me!”
“You barely knew each other!”
“We’ve known each other since we were five! We learned to ride bike together! We went to school together! We were gunna go to the same college for god sake! I’ve known him for 15 years and you’re telling me we barely know each other?! You are pathetic!”
“Why are you talking to me this way?! I’ve always been your supporter through everything!”
“No! You’ve been my controller! Since before I could remember I always listened to you! I did what you wanted me to do! I’ve spent the last 15 years living the way you wanted to!”

So many tears are in my eyes I can barely see.
My body is shaking as if it’s having some type of seizer.
My stomach feels

“I did everything for you! So you could have a better life! So you wouldn’t have to struggle like I did! You wanted to be an artist! They don’t make a lot of money!”
“It’s not about the money! It’s about being happy with your job that it doesn’t even feel like work!”
“Happiness isn’t going to pay the bills Rose!”
“You wouldn’t know because you’re never happy!”
“Maybe I’m not happy because I had an idiot for a daughter!”
“It’s not my fault!”

It doesn’t hurt as much when she hits me.
I’m finally letting go of all the pain she’s caused me for so long.
I’m unlocking my cage.
I won’t use the key though.
I’ll open it by myself.

“You will not hit me! I’m 20 years old! I am an adult! You can’t do this to me anymore!”
“You are my daughter and I’ll do whatever the h*ll I want!”
“No! I won’t let you! Not anymore! I can’t get back the 20 years you stole from me but I do have the rest of MY life to do what I want! An you can’t stop me!”

She’s silent.
She’s never silent.
Her hair.
Strands are slipping out of her bun and blocking parts of her face.
She looks smaller than I remember and she looks really tired.

“Rose, I’m so sorry for what I’ve done. I just wanted to give you the opportunity I never had.”
“Hitting me and neglecting me wasn’t the right way to do it.”

She never shows weakness.
Why now?

“I know sweetie an I have no excuses on what I’ve done to you.”

Is she somewhat apologizing?
She never apologizes!
I feel really bad for my mom.
She wanted to give me more than what I deserved.
She did it in the wrong way but all the things she did.
She did it out of love.

“I love you mom and I always will.”
“I’m so proud of you Rose and of the person you’ve become.”
“Can I ask you something? Why’d you want me to be a lawyer?”
“They make good money and they say lawyers live longer so why not?”
“Can’t I be a teacher? I’ve always been good with kids and giving directions.”
“Richie would have wanted you to be your dream.”
“Do you want me to be my dream?”
“Whatever you wish, I’ll still be your mom.”

I feel good inside like everything is gunna be okay.
The planet seems to be standing still.
Not turning round and round, causing problems.
Somewhere, a bird just learned how to fly.
I wonder if it was scared to fly.
Why would it be?
When you fly, you can go in any direction you choose.