Friday (night, I know, it’s pathetic, really) December 12
1. One 16 0z 32 oz. ice cream
2. The Notebook
3. iTunes gift card (to buy angry, raging Taylor Swift)
4. Kleenex
5. More ice cream, probably

Okay yes, it’s obvious to anyone reading this list. I don’t know how you found it: maybe I dropped it in the store on the way out? I really am a mess these days. Or maybe I managed to get it home but left it on the counter and my nosy mother found it (put this down, Mom). But honestly, the fact that I’m basically talking to a grocery list because I know I would never let anyone see this pathetic thing is proof enough that I’m losing it. OKAY, MARK AND I BROKE UP. There, Mother, are you happy? You always said his coif was weird anyway.

Monday (midday, my lunch break) December 22
1. 12 pack of Krispey Kremes (make that 2 packs—Steve’s off his diet again)
2. Copy paper for the printer (what am I, an intern?)
3. Nasonex—for Harold, I promise (just suck up to him a little longer, Marilyn, that promotion is yours…)
4. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
5. 8 oz. cup of ice cream
6. Pens and a new clipboard (as to throw myself into my work even more)
Yes, Harold, I went to the grocery for you. Here is my list and receipt as proof (see attached on back.)

Wednesday (five o’clock—hurry!) December 24
1. heel inserts
2. Hairspray
3. Go to Martin’s downtown for that dress
4. Lipstick

P.S. Richard, I know you’ve been going through my garbage. I know we are neighbors, but we do not have to share everything. Maybe the occasional oregano or egg. Even less than that in New York City. And frankly, the fact that you’re looking at my discarded things is just kind of…creepy, to say so in the least.

Marilyn,
Sorry I freaked you out. Have fun at your office Christmas party (that I’m not really supposed to know about but I saw the invitation in your garbage.) I hope you get that promotion (the letter to your sister…I need to shut up now.)
       Richard

Friday, December 26

1. Makeup!!!!
2. Breath Mints
3. Those cute tiny toothbrushes just in case I get scone in my teeth
4. What else do you bring on a coffee date with your boss’s son?!?!

Saturday (night), December 27
1. Pasta
2. Alfredo Sauce
3. Red Wine

Yes, mother, and yes, Richard (I suspect you are working together now, and I know you’re both still going through my things) I have a date tonight. He is coming over for dinner. And he is wonderful.

Marilyn,
First, Congrats on the promotion! (the salary increase notice you threw away yesterday). Also, I can see you two through the window, and I must say you look adorable! Wait, why are you closing the curtains? And that gesture was really not necessary!
       Richard