“Alli. Alli. Come on, it's time to get up Alli.” Says the nurse standing over me. “Hey Susan. Thanks for letting me sleep in today.” I say as I roll over to look at the clock that reads 9:45. 9:30 is the time everyone has to wake up so we can get to breakfast on time. “I know you like your sleep. And you're a little violent when you’re tired.” Susan says with a smile as she leaves so I can get up and dressed.
Breakfast starts at 10:00am, but I never eat much. I wouldn’t eat at all but the cafeteria workers won’t let me leave the table unless I eat a piece of toast. Once breakfast is over I go back up to my room and listen to music until its time for counselling circle. Counselling circle is when 6 other people who are in here for the same reason sit in a circle and talk about why we’re here, the progress we have made, that kind of stuff. “Its time for circle Alli.” “Okay, I will be there in a minute.” I say to Susan. Susan is my nurse, she checks in on me when I have been in my room for a while. She tells me when its time for breakfast, lunch, circle, etc. Susan is nicer than most nurses around here, I have heard that the ones in the C wing are really mentally abusive. Like we haven't had enough of  that when we are in a mental hospital.
Its 11:15 when I leave my room for circle. I’m the only girl who is in my circle group. I guess that officially means guys are crazier. We go around the circle talking about how far along in our recovery we have come, it makes me a little sad to think that I am by far the least recovered and the farthest from getting out of here. At least its safe in here, sometimes that seems like a bad thing.
Circle time ended around 12:30. Most people go to lunch, but I just say my stomach hurts and I go straight to my room. The realization of how far I have come, or should I say how little I have come since I got admitted in here makes me ache. I ache to get out, see the world again. See my family, my friends, if I have any left that is. I’m forced to snap out of my depression coma when Susan comes in and makes me get up and walk around. She says I have been in here for over an hour. The only thing that made me believe her is the fact that the clock now reads 1:53. Susan makes me walk around with her until 2:00, then she makes me go talk to my councillor. My councillor’s name is Bill, he’s not that bad, its just the fact that he’s a councillor that makes me irritated. Bill starts off with the same question every time, “So I heard you had another bad time after counselling circle. Why is that?” I just roll my eyes and say the same thing as I always do, “It might be because I’m stuck in this place where I have no freedom. I can't even sit in my room and take a nap while listening to music without someone coming in and bugging me.” He gets a concerned look on his face. “You know why people dont let you take “naps”, we all know you're not napping. You’re thinking. Thinking is never good for you. Thinking is what put you in here in the first place. You just need to know we care.” When he finished his we-only-care speech I get up and walk out. Everyday is the same. 2:15 I’m done in there and Susan walks me back to my room. I force myself to go to sleep. Sleeping is the only way after my session with Bill that stops me from punching a hole in the wall. The last time I did that the nurses forced me into a padded room for a few hours. They called my parents and told them I haven't made any progress with my “anger issues”. Apparently my “angry” music isn't helping so they took away everything except what they would call “soothing” music. Instrumental is all I get now. You grow to like it after 3 weeks of only getting to listen to that. I can win back some of my music if I make it a month without any angry tendencies.
Susan wakes me up around 5:35 and says its time for dinner. “I’m not hungry” is the same thing i say everyday. Susan forces me out of bed and into the cafeteria. I eat 2 scoops of mashed potatoes and a cup of juice. It takes me until 6:12 just for them to force me to eat. They finally give up and let me go since I have at least something in my stomach. I go into the rec room to watch some TV. I laugh to myself because every night after dinner I have to be watched for about an hour.
After about 20 minutes, Susan says I have a call. Finally, I think to myself, I have privacy. When I answer I realize its my dad. He hasn't called me since the first week I came in here. “So it takes you 2 months just for you to call and say hi and that you care about me?” There’s a long pause before he says, “I’m sorry. It’s just, your little brother-” “Step brother” I interrupt. My dad sighs, “Your stepbrother has been sick and we have had to take him to the doctor. We found out he has strep throat.” I can feel the anger rising up in me. ”So your new family is more important than me. I can feel the love from here.” I hang up the phone and stomp back into my room. I had always thought that when I got admitted into the loony bin, maybe my dad would actually care. But obviously I was mistaken.
“Hey! Alli! Get back here! You’re not aloud to be walking around without me or another worker!” Pretending I didn’t hear her I go straight to my room, slam the door, and flop down on my bed. The little bit of life I have had left just feels like its just sucked right out of me. Gasping for breath, I can feel myself slipping out of sanity.
Susan slams open the door. “Alli. You know you can't do that. You know better. This is how you get yourself in the detention room for the night.” I sit up from my bed and just stare at her. “Alli. You okay?” Feeling my last little bit of sanity slip out of me, I just start laughing. Susan slowly walks towards me, “Alli. You alright? Do you need anything?” She has a scared look on her face that strangely makes me happy. My face turns into a grin and I start laughing to myself. “Hey Susan. I’m fine. How are you?” She starts backing up to the door. “There’s nothing to be afraid of. Just back away from the door and you’ll be okay.” She backs up until she is standing up against the door.
I can hear her breathing getting heavier as I take another step closer. “Come on Alli. Its okay. Lets just go talk to Bill and-” I grab her by the throat. “I am not going to see Bill. And once I’m done here you won't be seeing anyone for a while.” She claws at my hands trying to get free. “Shhhh. Its okay. Soon you won’t remember any of this.” Laughing to myself, I throw her body down in front of my mirror. “Look at yourself. You’re so pathetic. Just this morning you thought I would have gone along with your usual charade of smiles and nice gestures just so I will take my meds. Well the jokes on you, I haven't actually been taking them for the past month.” Susan’s face twists into fear because she knows what happens when I’m not on my meds. “Alli. Calm do-” “DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!” I can feel my face turning red like my dad’s always does when he would yell at me. He would cause me so much mental pain that I ended up here. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn't be where I am right now, about to kill my favorite nurse Susan.
Susan props herself up on her elbows. “Come on Alli. It will be okay. We can just pretend this didn't happen. This isn't you, it’s the lack of the medication.” I kick her elbow out from underneath her so she slams back down on the ground. “No. No we can't go back to how it was and forget this ever happened. Its to late. I know the second I let you out of here you will go and tell them and I will get locked up.” “No I wont. I promise I won't.” Susan beggs. “Don’t lie to me. The last thing you want is to die a liar.” A scared look sweeps over her face. “Goodbye Susan.”
The only thing the nurses hear are 2 gun shots. 1 for Susan. 1 for Alli.