I keep my head down and push my way through the sea of people. Everything surrounding me is a symbol for the death. The black clothing, the tear filled eyes, the mumbling voices that dare to talk. I eventually make my way to a pew and slide onto the cold wooden bench. I watch other people as they make their way to a seat of their own. Minutes pass and eventually a man walks up the altar and the room turns silent.
“Hello. Thank you for gathering here today to honor the life and memory of Amelia Carson. Amelia was a positive and outgoing girl that could put a smile on anyone’s face. She was always…”
The priest’s voice turns into white noise as I remember the first day I met Amelia. We were both starting fourth grade and her desk was right behind mine. I was shy and always afraid of saying the wrong thing, so I usually sat in the classroom and kept my mouth shut. Amelia was the exact opposite. She was constantly raising her hand, even if she knew she did not know the answer, and made friends as easily as counting to three. And for the first month of school, I hated her. I hated how she would just shout out answers, I hated how she would be with a group of people and be the only one talking, I hated how no one else realized how loud she was.
Then, around the second month of school, I was sitting in my desk, trying to focus on a math test we were given, when I felt I tap on my shoulder. I turned around and saw Amelia with a broken pencil in her hands.
“It just kinda snapped. Do you have an extra one I could use?” she whispered to me.
I looked over at my teacher at the front of the desk, hoping she did not just hear Amelia. There was a strict rule that no one was allowed to talk during a test or quiz. If anyone had an issue during testing, they could go up front and talk to the teacher. Luckily, my teacher was still sitting at her desk, reading her book, oblivious to the rule Amelia just broke. I turned back to Amelia and pointed to the teacher trying to signal she should ask her instead of me. I did not want to break the rule and get into trouble. She looked back at me, her eyebrows smashed together like I just spoke in an alien language.
“Why would I walk all the way up to the front desk when you could just give me one now?” she whispered.
I glanced back at the teacher again then back at Amelia. Time was almost up for the test and I still had two problems to finish. I could not deal with Amelia’s laziness. I simply pointed at the teacher one last time then turned back to my test. About five seconds passed before I felt another tap on my shoulder. I ignored it and focused my attention back on my math problem. Two seconds passed before I felt a constant tapping on my shoulder. I whipped my head around and whispered through my teeth “Go up to the teacher and ask her instead. Leave me alone!”.
Right as the words left my lips, I knew another pair of eyes had settled on me. I looked to the front of the classroom and found my teacher looking at me. “Mia! What do you not understand about no talking during tests?”
“I wasn’t...I didn’t…” I tried to stutter out.
“She only talked because I talked to her first” I heard Amelia say behind me.
My teacher sighs and simply said “I don’t care who did what. You two can discuss what happened with the principle. When you are done, come back and you will finish your tests during recess”.
I slowly stood up then walked to the door of the classroom. I heard Amelia’s shoes click behind me and I can not help but think that even her shoes had to be the loudest thing in the room. I walked through the halls to the principal's office in silence.
I heard Amelia mumble “we wouldn’t be here if you just let me use one of your pencils”, but I just ignored her.
We finally made it to the office and made our way inside. Once we were both seated, the principle looked at both of us calmly and asked “why are you here?”.
Before I could even process the question he just asked us, Amelia was already speaking a mile a minute about what happened and how our teacher was being so unfair and how she did not want to be expelled from the school. By the time she was finished she was almost panting, trying to collect all the oxygen she had just lost.
The principle chuckled a little and shook his head. “You two are not going to be expelled. I would just like to talk to you about the rules of this school that how you need to follow them. Amelia, you should have addressed the teacher right when your pencil broke instead of bothering another student. And Mia, you could have given her a pencil and be done with it instead of completely ignoring Amelia. But please, the rules are there for a reason, you need to follow them”.
We both nodded then scurried out of the office after he dismissed us. We walked through the halls in silence again and I started to think about the rant Amelia went on in the office. How it looked like she was going to pass out from the loss of oxygen and how she was so worried she was going to be expelled over a broken pencil. I ended up giggling as we continued to walk and Amelia asked me what was so funny.
“The way you reacted when he asked you what happened. I have never seen you talk that fast. And how you thought we were going to be expelled. Over a broken pencil” I started laughing louder. I thought Amelia was going to be mad at me, but before I knew it, she was laughing with me. And when we entered the classroom, we were both laughing so hard we could barely stand. Our teacher got mad at us for disrupting her class, which only made us laugh even more. After that day, we kept talking and were best friends ever since. She was my voice when I did not have one and I was the person that told her to shut up when she needed to be quite.
“Unfortunately, Amelia did not see herself in the same way as other people saw her” I hear the priest say through my memory. I feel my throat tighten and adjust myself in my seat, knowing what the priest meant.
I remember during sophomore year we went dress shopping at the mall for a dance that was coming up. Amelia picked out a white flowing dress and rushed to the changing room and I quickly followed behind with a dress of my own that I had picked out. I changed into my dress and stepped out of the stall into the main part of the changing area. I looked at the mirror in front of me and started to examine the dress on my body. I heard the creak of a stall door behind me and I turn to see Amelia squeezed into the white dress.
I laughed a little and said, “I think you need a bigger size”. She stuck her tongue out at me and walked over next to me to also look in the mirror.
“Thanks for your input, captain obvious. I don’t understand though. The last dress I bought was the same size” Amelia said as she kept examining herself.
“Well you haven't gone shopping in forever. So its probably just because you grew since” I responded.
“Yeah...I guess...You’re the same dress size though, right?”.
“Well yeah, but I’ve stopped growing. C’mon, we have already discussed the awkward shortness of my legs” I laughed.
Amelia nodded slowly and turned sideways, still looking in the mirror. “I think I have gained some weight too though. Don’t you think? I mean, I am nowhere close to as skinny as you”.
“Oh c’mon! You are honestly just being ridiculous. Here, I’ll go get you the next size. Be right back” I said as I started walking out of the changing room. As I left, I saw Amelia still looking in the mirror and frowning slightly at the reflection in front of her.
I bring my attention back to the deep voice of the priest and try to pay attention to the words he is speaking. I hear sniffles and the swoosh of tissues being released from their boxes mixed in with the words of the elderly man.
“Amelia was so worried about helping others in her community, she forgot to reach out and ask for help when she needed it most” the priest continued on.
I tense up with his choice of words. She did not forget. She knew I was there for her. She knew that I would have done anything to make sure she was still standing next to me today. She just did not tell me and I was so stupid for not noticing.
It started with just an innocent act of her eating healthier. She would have a smoothie for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and she started exercising daily. I noticed the changes, but did not think of them much then. She would show me the couple pounds she lost and I was excited for her. She seemed so happy with her progress and I encouraged her on because I thought she looked healthier too. But after two months of this, she started acting different. When we sat down to eat at school she told me she was not very hungry that day, or that she ate before, which we both knew was not true. I noticed she was getting thinner and thinner, but I thought it was from her healthier eating and exercising. I did not piece the clues together that now seem like the most obvious thing. I did not know that after she ate a few bites of apple for lunch she would regret eating it and quickly try to burn it off. I did not know that when she got home she would constantly be going on runs, hiding sandwiches and whatever other food she was suppose to eat under her mattress.
I remember changing with her in the bathroom to get ready for track. She slipped off her shirt and I saw how truly skinny she was after not seeing her stomach since the beginning of senior fall.
“Amelia, I think you need to be eating more. There is barely anything on you anymore” I said, feeling my stomach become queasy from the unhealthy appearance of my best friend.
“I’m fine” she quickly said as she pulled her track shirt on.
“No, I’m serious. I don’t think that’s healthy. You really need to start eating some carbs again. Does your mom know how thin you have gotten?” I asked her. I knew that her dad was constantly away on business trips and her mom was either in her office or out with her girl friends most of the time. Her parents did not take much notice in her and that is why I believed she was so loud around other people, to try and get some attention for once.
“Yes! God, Mia! Stop being all over me! This isn’t even your business! So lay off. Your not my mom and I don’t need you to be. Go baby someone else” she said before rushing out the bathroom door.
I should have gone after her. I should have talked to an adult and said something, anything! But I did not. I got so wrapped up in my own feelings of arrogance when she stopped talking to me for the next few weeks and me not wanting to talk to her. Two weeks and a few days after our argument, I got the phone call from her parents informing us she died the day before. She was on the treadmill during that afternoon and she fainted from the lack of fuel. When she fell she hit her head on the metal railing of the machine and became unconscious. Her malnutritioned heart was too weak to circulate enough blood to the rest of her body, especially when she also lost blood from her leg, broken from both the impact of the fall and the weakness of her bone.
“She battled with the demons inside her and fought as best as she could. She was strong-” I heard the priest say out of the mist of my thoughts.
No. She was not strong. She did not put up a fight. She let anorexia take over and made me feel guilty for her death. I could have stopped her. If I was there for her, if I did not let her try and push through things alone, she would be standing next to me today. I would not have to be sitting here alone with crying people that never knew Amelia as well as I did. I would not have to be sitting here alone with a complete stranger talking about Amelia like he knew her. No one knew Amelia like I did and that is why I should have saved her. I was the one that needed to be there for her and I am the one that will forever be stuck with the guilt. The guilt that I watched my best friend die.