I left the party in a rush after everyone made fun of me. They laughed and called me names and I just had to stand there and take hit after hit from every word that they had said. I ran out of there crying and searching, until he came along and thats when my life changed forever. My name is Angelina Anderson and if you haven’t figured it out yet I’m not the most popular person in the town where I live but, in my time of struggle one guy actually came after me this time and this guy, let me tell ya, was a one in a million but better yet, my one in a million. His name was Carter Collins, he was popular but he was certainly different than all the other people in the so called, “popular group.” He was my dream come true, the one that I thought wouldn’t ever come true, at least not in my lifetime. He had saved me from committing suicide that night, I have wanted too many times before but that night I was pushed overboard, I was really ready to just set my mind free and not just free for a little while but, free forever in a land that I will actually be noticed as a person, instead of some low life loser.

Since I was 14  I have been  looking forward to growing up, going through high school and then starting college. I’ve always wanted to be a psychologist since I was in fifth grade, the study of the brain and how it works to help our bodies function properly is very interesting. But I had something that had sidetracked me from living my dreams out, I was raped. One day my dad had a couple of his buddies over at my house and they had a couple of beers to drink, although my dad had many more. he passed out watching the television that night, leaving his buddies unattended. They had snuck up the stairs, peeking around the corner into the hallway that leads to my room, after seeing nobody was there they tiptoed down the hallways creaking my door open to see if I was awake. After they had noticed that I was asleep, they came in.

Then I woke up, I realized something was wrong. My emotions went berserk, I was lost in my thoughts not knowing what to think, I was trapped. I started to cry, wondering why they would do something this terrible to someone that they had considered their daughter for years. They both practically helped my parents raise me and now all of those laughs and smiles came crashing down. I was lost in a maze with no possible way out, I was stuck, stuck in the depth of my emotions, lost in the happiness, lost in the thoughts of why they had chosen me. I wouldn’t want it to happen to any other person but why did it have to be me? That has ran through my head for years, still to this moment, I want to just end the pain and memorizes that replay it through my mind  every night before I try to go to sleep.

Coping with seeing the memories everytime I close my eyes was the hardest part about the whole thing, the actual rape was over, but the scars that it left me with will never fade and actually go away, but I managed to find something that helped take the thoughts away, Marijuana was my new best friend. It showed me a different way to look at things, deal with things, and a way to escape from my thoughts. The thoughts seemed to come every night when I would shut my eyes to go to sleep, but every night they seemed to get stronger and more detailed about the things that had happened that night. I didn’t remember much at first but every night there is a new picture breezing into my mind about what they did to me and exactly how they managed to do it. Thats where my best friend came in, Marijuana. Marijuana not only helps me to keep my mind off of the things that have happened, but also the struggles at school with all of the people that call me names and pick on me everytime they get a chance but, thats not my favorite thing about it, it helps me keep my mind off of that night long enough to get some sleep and it even helps me sleep throughout the night. But I hope that one day I can live without smoking something just to run away from my problems, I want to be able to stand there and face that fact that it happened to me and then just learn to live without thinking about it, I want to store it in the back of my mind, maybe in a little cardboard box full of all the other unwanted memories that I have in my brain. Maybe then it will disappear, forever.

I try to keep my mind occupied by having jobs on top of going to school to get away from the house that I live in, the same house that everything happened in. I have two jobs, one cleaning rooms at a hotel and the other doing dishes and serving at a little restaurant on the outskirts of Collinsville. I don’t much care for the work that I have to do at them, but anything that gets me away from my house and away from the people that had raped me, the better off I can handle the memories that they have cursed me with. Tonight I have to leave for work a little bit early because I don’t have a ride there, usually my dad graces me with his presence and takes me to work and then comes and gets me when I get off, personally though I would rather walk. Ever since that night I have kind of put the blame on my father, they were his friends and he chose to get plastered and ended up leaving them alone in our house. I realize that its not his fault he didn’t know that they were going to come and rape me, he doesn’t even know it even happened, when I thought about telling him I couldn’t find the words to say to him, “hey dad, your friends raped me..” That’s why they still come over, they act like nothing even happened that night, which makes me only feel worse, you would think they would feel somewhat terrible for what they had done to me. Well I had made it to work, its kind of busy which only makes it easier for me to focus on work things and leave all of the other memories in that cardboard box.

They have it on the news channel whenever I walked in, usually it’s pretty boring to just watch the news because it’s always the same old same old, so everyone usually ask if they can change the channel, but something had happened in Collinsville that shocked the whole town, but more than them, it shocked me. I wasn’t sure what to think at this point but somebody that I used to be close with had committed suicide, somebody that I had used to see as a totally different person, the person that had caused my struggles in life, the murderer of my soul, my rapist.

The news reporter had said that he had written a note right before he drove his car off of a cliff, the note said that he was sorry for the troubles he had caused in one poor child's life and that he just couldn’t deal with the pain anymore, the everyday reminder that he had stole the childhood from a 14 year old girl, and at that moment, I had realized he was talking about me.

As the night at work progressed, I couldn’t help but to think about him actually feeling bad about what he had did and whether or not the other guy had felt bad for it to, maybe he had tried talking to his buddy about committing suicide along side him but he said no because he loved his life the way it was and tried to convince him that nobody would ever find out, that I would be just fine in life, he probably thought that I would just be able to forget about that night, but he was wrong, it comes to my memory on an every night basis, thanks to them. I live with the struggles of the scars they had created for me, almost like the way he had to struggle with the thoughts but, why did he get to set himself free and I’m still stuck here living with these open wounds? It’s not fair, it should have been me, I should have been the one that had gotten to leave and go to a better place, where I wouldn’t have to see their faces every time I close my eyes, and open the wounds of the scars they had created.

Work was almost over so I stayed to help the other ladies clean up and lock the restaurant, I wasn’t ready to face my parents after they had heard the news about dad’s best friend, so I want to stay out as long as I can, hopefully until they have gone to bed so at least I have all night to come up with something to say to them. Well we just locked the doors and I started to think of places that I could go before walking home, then I remembered hearing about this party at school earlier this week that was suppose to happen tonight, I think I might try to stop by and maybe get a little mellowed out before I head home. I started walking, about a half an hour later I get there, the party is still at its peak so I head towards the door, I didn’t bother knocking so I just walked inside. As soon as I step in the door I realized that I wasn’t wanted there, the whole party had stopped and people had started whispering to their friends until they all bursted out laughing at me. I turned around just to hear all the hateful things coming from their mouths, it just made all the memories from that night come back, I hoped that they would soon stop and just forget I was even there, like I was completely invisible almost like I am at school but, it didn’t stop the trashing talking just kept getting worse, I tried holding back my tears but couldn’t manage to hold on to them long, the first one rolled down my cheek then came another one, I felt so alone and out of place, I had to get out of here.

I ran down the street looking for something, something that would help me set myself free, I wanted to go to a place where everyone didn’t care how others dressed, how they thought, or who they liked, I just want to be freed to a world where nobody got hurt, nobody had to deal with pain and/or struggles, and in my case I wish it was a world that nobody could just take over and ruin your life forever just from one night, one night of sexual abuse. I search hoping to find something sharp or maybe even something high enough to jump off of, until that moment. I heard someone coming towards me, I turned and acted like I was just a normal girl out walking around but the person that came towards me was someone who was at that party, someone that had saw me there and just as I was about to bolt down the street, he grabs my arm. He turns me to face him, as soon as I realize who it is, I just freeze.

I looked at him for awhile trying to figure out why he was coming after me, he could be in there hanging out with all of his friends but instead he chose to come out here, to come after me to see if I was alright. I remember his first words like they were just yesterday, “Hey, I’m Carter Collins, are you alright…?” I didn’t say anything back, I just stood there looking for an explanation so he asked me again, “are you alright?” I finally found enough words to say so I answered, “yeah...I’m fine..?” Him and everyone else that was human knew that whenever a girl said they were fine, they were obviously lying not only to the person asking but themselves. The next thing he had said was that he was sorry for the way people were acting in there, that he wasn’t like them and that I shouldn’t ask him to leave because unlike the rest of them, he actually cared about people’s lives and feelings. I didn’t ask him to leave, I was still sort of in shocked because of him even being here, I mean he is popular, captain of the football team and basketball team, why would he even want to be seen with a low life like me? But he made my thoughts come to a halt after asking me a question I’ve waited for from somebody for a long time, I just wasn’t expecting it to come from a guy like him. He had asked me if he could hear my life story if I was okay with telling it so he could get more of a picture of what my life is all about. I began to talk to him about random stuff in my life that didn’t even matter but he seemed to be interested, but I wasn’t sure if he was just trying to find dirt on me to run back and tell his friends so that they had more dump on me or if this guy actually cared, either way I wasn’t telling him anything that was important, I wanted to see where things ended up by the end of the night.

We talked for hours before he had walked me home that night, he said that he would like to talk to me again sometime soon. We had planned a day that we both didn’t have work to meet at the park to talk and hangout again, that day I felt like I finally had a connection with someone, I felt special and like I actually had a reason for my existence. From that day forward we started to hang out four out of the seven days a week, we would just talk about all of the things that have happened that have had a huge impact on our lives and laughed about the good times that we have had. We started dating a few weeks from that night, then graduated high school a couple months from then. After dating for five years, I had gotten the best day of my life, I got married to my best friend. That night I realized something about myself, I just had to wait for my reasoning of my existence, that you can’t search for it and even when things start to seem like they are falling apart, believe me they are just coming together.

From that moment on I haven’t had a suicidal thought even cross my mind, I finally got brave enough to tell Carter my rape story, which only made me feel closer to him then I already am, after I had told him about the night he asked what I was looking for the night he had met me, I was honest with him about how I was going to end my life, he said “Well, I’m glad I came out and found you before anything had happened, because without you, I would be living without my one in a million.”