Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide—
It’s where my demons hide.
-Imagine Dragons, Demons 

 
Sitting in my room, I screamed inside my head, a growl of total frustration and annoyance.  I really need to get out of this house.  And this town.   I think I should take a three year vacation, in Hawaii. Solo mio.  I laughed quietly to myself.  If only. 
Sprawled out on my bed, I sighed, glaring at my backpack with an expression of extreme hate.  Never in my life had I felt such a total, eternal resentment for an object. People yes.  Object no.  Okay, now I really need to do that; I’ve kind of procrastinated to the last day….And we’ve had two months to work on it. 
Fine.  I’ll start. 
Dramatically, I stood, bracing myself as I started the walk.  Only a few steps, but it was over much shorter than I thought it should have been.  I got to my backpack and kicked it, as one would a stray cat or a small child.  “Don’t take it out on me!” it seemed to cry as I kicked it again.  “Go kick one of your teachers instead!”
Laughing, I picked it up and apologized.  Talking to a backpack.  Not only am I lazy, I am also going clinically insane.  As I walked the short distance to my desk,  I covered my eyes, unable to bring myself to watch as I marched myself to the executioners chopping block.  My heart thundered to the tune of a dead man’s drum roll while I felt my way around like a blind and drunk Jack Sparrow, stumbling along and running into things.  My stupid chair magically appeared out of nowhere—as it can sometimes do when one has their eyes closed—and I fell to the floor, laughing like a crazy lunatic.   Even though I knew my house was empty, I looked around to make sure no one had seen me.  Only then did I fall back and stare at the ceiling, laughing till I cried.  I’m so ridiculous sometimes.
My phone rang in my pocket, and I remained motionless.  It would take way too much effort to answer it right now. Maybe if I don’t acknowledge that it’s there, it will never have happened.   Lethargically I looked up, and remembered when I used to find random shapes in the lines of the ceiling.  It was kinda sad… I couldn’t find any of my old imaginary friends.  Instead of the elephants and trees I saw stupid things: math problems, English papers, and last years science project.  The fiend in my pocket rang again, and once more I ignored it.  Whoever it was could wait. I wasn’t exactly sure I could carry on an intelligent conversation about anything serious, or any of the normal things people want to talk about when they call you.
A few minutes later I heard my front door open and I perked up, curious about why my mom was home early.  My mom and I were on my own now; my dad had walked out a few years earlier.  He hadn’t gotten in touch with us since; I had a sneaking suspicion he was either in jail or dead from accidental drug overdose.  Or at the bottom of a river somewhere, wearing concrete boots.  He wasn’t exactly the best at making friends, unless they had a steady supply of cocaine.
There were footsteps coming up the stairs now, and I started to worry. Was she the one that had called me? Maybe she had needed something.  She’s gonna think I was ignoring her.   I am so screwed.   Sitting up now, I frantically looked around for something to do.  If I can look like I’m so engaged in work that I can pretend I didn’t hear my phone, I have a chance.  I ripped open my backpack, pulled out a paper and pencil, and put in my earbuds with desperate speed.  My door opened and I pretended to be hard at work.  The back of my neck itched as I felt a pair of eyes drilling into the back of my head.  I heard footsteps coming up behind me and I fought the urge to turn and look. 
“You’re paper’s upside down, genius.”
I jerked violently and twisted around, incredulous.  “Rose! What are you doing in my house?!?”
She grinned.  “Well, you weren’t answering your phone, and I wanted to talk to you!”
I sighed.  “We do have a doorbell you know.  That little button that you push? The one that means there’s someone outside?”
“Huh.  I must have forgotten about that little detail.” She stood there unapologetically, trying not to burst out laughing.
“What if I wasn’t here? Or sleeping? What if my house was alarmed and the police were on their way?
“Well, I’ve been with you when you’ve come in a million times, and you’ve never disarmed anything.  If you were asleep, I would have put your hand in warm water, and if you weren’t here I would have raided your house for everything you own.”  She sat down, looking up at me innocently.
“You’re impossible,” I accused.
She smirked.  “Uh huh.  Now are you going to invite me to go do something?  Or am I going to have to drag you out of the house?”
There were just no words to describe this girl.  “Holy freaking c--- Rose!  Do you know how much homework I have due tomorrow?”
“Yeah, you were doing so much when I got here.  Just get your shoes on already!”
I just glared at her, and she glared back, a defiant light in her eye.  We stayed that way for a few seconds, then gradually we both had to fight back smiles.  Pretending to be mad at someone like that doesn’t work for too long, and before we both knew it we were laughing.
“Fine.  What are we even going to do?”
“Do I have to plan everything? What’s your problem?  I’ve already done the hard part of telling you to think of something.”
I rolled my eyes.  “Maybe I’ll just kidnap you, drive to Vegas, and get married cause you obviously already think you own my house.”
“Fine with me!”  She bounced out of the room, dragging me with her. 
“Wait!  My shoes!”
“You had your chance already to get your shoes!  You snooze you lose!”
I groaned.  “You’re lousy at rhyming,” I said.
“And you’re… drowsy at sliming.  Now come on!
She pushed me out the door, making me trip over my own feet and almost fall on my face.  “Come on come on come on!  If we’re going to Vegas, we want to be as far as we can get without anyone noticing!”
I waited until she got into the passengers seat, then ran back inside.  Laughing as I heard her muttering threats under her breath, I hurried up to my room and grabbed my shoes. 
As I got back into the car, she picked up an old shirt from off the seat and started whacking me with it.  I just looked at her.  “Why do I even know you?”
“Cause I’m amazing.  Now drive!”
I pulled out and started driving. There was a long silence as she stared at me expectantly.  Was I supposed to say something?  “Umm...so where exactly are we going again?”
She rolled her eyes and sighed.  “You make a lousy kidnapper—Vegas remember?”
I just glanced at her and didn’t say anything.  I turned onto the next street, not really caring where we were going, just as long as she was here with me.  She kept up a long string of randomness:  stories, jokes, and pointing out random trees along the way.  I kept looking at her, just amazed at her bizarre brain processes.

???

“Sometimes I worry about your sanity,” I laughed as I pulled up and parked.  We had gone out way past the city, out into the woods.  There was a picnic table there and no sign of civilization anywhere.  I got out and opened Rose’s door, saying,  “Welcome to Vegas mi’lady!”
She gracefully took my outstretched hand and stepped out the car, then promptly punched me in the shoulder.  ‘You’re it!” she said as she ran away laughing, dodging through the trees.
I watched as she ran farther away, then turned and ducked behind the car.  After she realized I wasn’t running after her, she stopped and looked around.  Cautiously, she started walking back, looking around for me.  A suspicious look came over her face, and I had to stuff my fist in my mouth to keep from laughing.  When she turned her head to look behind her, I threw a rock to the side, hitting a tree.  Turning, she skeptically stared at the oak.  While she had her back to me, I snuck up behind her and grabbed her arms.  She screamed and flailed her arms wildly as I jumped back to avoid her.
“Don’t do that!” she squealed.
I laughed.  “It’s about time I got you back somehow.”
She rolled her eyes, and we started walking.  The trail was overgrown and bad, with rocks all over and trees seeking to reclaim their ground.  The sun was bright and perfect.  A robin sang in the tree, and Rose gazed up at it, an astonished look on her face.
“It’s so beautiful,” she whispered.  “It’s like I’ve never seen a bird before.”
About to make a playful comment, I glanced at her and stopped.  Her face was lit up with a radiant smile.  She didn’t consider herself to be pretty, but standing there she was beautiful.  Heck, she was always beautiful, and the fact that she had no idea was crazy to me.  We walked on, content to just walk together, listening to the wind sighing through the trees.
The sun started to set, and we looked at each other, both reluctant to shatter the peace of the moment.  We started to walk back down the trail slowly, neither wanting to leave.  The shadows started to lengthen, and it got colder, the sun seeming to set far too quickly.  Some might have thought it creepy being out in the dark wood with all of the unfamiliar sounds, but it wasn’t.  If Rose hadn’t have been there, I probably would have been scared, but with her walking beside me I felt ten feet tall. 
Driving home was a long and dark journey but filled with quiet and peace.  Rose fell asleep curled up in the passengers seat, but I didn’t feel tired at all.  As I pulled up to her house, I watched her face to see if the jolt would wake her. She slept on peacefully, a single strand of hair over her face that moved as she breathed.  I reached over and gently shook her shoulder.  She woke with a start, uncertain where she was, but quickly got her bearings.
“We’re home,” I said.
She looked out the window and sighed.  The fence around her house glistened in the moonlight, and she smiled.  I got out and opened her door for her and helped her step out.  This time, she didn’t punch me.  We both smiled, and I walked her to her door.  It was nice to walk with her again.  As she slipped inside her door, I became exhausted.  I walked back to my car and drove home.  My mom wasn’t home from work yet, so I unlocked the door and went up to my room and crashed.  My unfinished homework stared at me on the desk, and for a split second I thought of trying to do it, but it was quickly disregarded.  It could wait till tomorrow.  It  really couldn’t, but I didn’t really care anymore.

???

I wake up screaming, but all is silent.  The walls are falling in—I can’t escape.  My mind feels like a train that has derailed and is about to run off a cliff.  I can’t think, I can’t breathe.  I grab my phone and dial, but there’s no answer.  Rose must be asleep.  I’m alone.  I see flashes of light from the corners of my eyes, but when I turn there is nothing there.  There’s someone behind me; terrified to turn I listen, but all is silent.  Then the screaming starts.  It cuts me deep to the core.  I turn in circles, but there’s no one there.  I curl up and clench a pillow over my head, determined to dampen the screaming in my ears.  I’m shaking, ears bleeding, heart beating out of my chest.  If only it would stop; if only this demon would let me die and it would be over with.  I pound my head on the wall, determined to rid myself of the pain inside.  A particularly hard hit knocks me to the ground, and I lie there exhausted.  Mercifully, the screaming stops, and my chest begins to regain air in desperate gasps and wheezes.  The air grows still and ominous, and soon I pass out into a restless, troubled sleep.

???

Three weeks later I sat in my bed, waiting.  I knew it was coming, I just didn’t know when.  These past few weeks have been the best of my life, I reflected.  Rose was something special.  Our relationship was interesting, and I loved it.  We weren’t a couple; we never thought of each other that way.  I loved being around her, and she loved being around me.  Sure, she annoys the c--- out of me, and vice versa.  That’s part of why she was so amazing.  She had such a complete lack of knowledge of the ‘social norm’ that it was refreshing.  We were content with being friends.  No, we weren’t just friends, but something more.  I didn’t know what it was, but neither of us cared. 
It started again, and I rode it out like usual.  These panic attacks had become a part of my life.  They had started that day with Rose.  I don’t know if that was the cause and effect, but if it was, it seemed a small price to pay.  I didn’t care if my nights were full of terror, that I barely got any sleep anymore, as long as I could see Rose during the day.  She was my light in a dark world, and she didn’t even know it.  I had to keep it hidden from her.  The one thing I lied to her about.  I was scared what would happen if she knew.  Not that she would leave, I knew she would never do that.  But how it would affect her.  I didn’t want to be a burden; I just wanted her to be happy.  If I started telling her about these, it might affect her badly.  It was a possibility, and I wasn’t willing to take the risk. I would take any amount of pain to ensure her happiness.

???

The lips moving, the vibrations of the air.  What they say is not possible.  There are words.  So many d--- useless words.
hit and run…
hospital…
already gone…
very sorry…

Gone.
I refuse to believe it.  I run out.  I don’t know what’s happening.  She’ll be outside.  She’ll be standing there, telling me to get my keys and drive. Or she’ll be at her house, pretending to do homework.  I start to run there, certain.  She can’t be gone.  No.  It’s not possible.  I refuse to believe. There are cars, sirens.  So loud.   My ears pound; I can’t hear.  Dizzy, I keep turning to see her.  It’s not possible.  Strong arms grab me, I throw them off.   My vision’s fuzzy, I can’t see.   I hear her behind me.  I turn.   I run.    She’s behind me again.     Calling me.      She needs help; I need to find her.       Please.       I can’t see her.       I see strangers, sympathetic looks on their faces.        I don’t look at them anymore.       I need to find her.       Her voice fades, and everything starts to go black.       No.          Don’t leave me.  Her voice is gone now; I hit the ground.        I feel nothing.          The world leaves.        It’s dark.

???

Three Months Later

I couldn’t think. 
He couldn’t think.

I’m going crazy.
He’s going crazy.

She’s gone.
She’s gone.

He knew he was losing.  I was losing my mind.  I’m not I. 

A smile is a strange thing.  A certain movement of the lips, the cheeks, the eyes to produce an outward expression of happiness.  Not always genuine, too easily faked.  For some it came easily; for some it was required to practice.  He had to pretend that he was okay. They were worried, he knew.  He knew no one could help. So he practiced. 
Not a sound, but for the short labored breathing in the dark.  Ever so often the old house groaned as night settled in as a snake to her nest.  The stars were bright, the moon almost full, signifying the promise of another chance, a new day to all who looked.  A train’s horn in the distance, the rustle of the wind sighing through the trees.  Throughout the city, lights were dimmed in search of the healing sleep of the smilers, with the promise of a new dawn.  To look at it was to remark at its peace, its serenity, its hope.
But he had neither eyes to see, nor ears to hear.  He knew now she was gone.  At least from this world.  It was his eyes he knew.  Eyes.  The window to the soul.  I had perfected the art of moving his lips, cheeks, of slightly inclining his head.  To smile.  The crinkle around his eyes was there, the wrinkled forehead, the perfect teeth as he flashed a toothy grin to the darkened wall.  His eyes, he knew, were dull.  There was no fire in them, no light.  And as he could bring every last one of his actions to lie, his eyes remained the one true reflection of his soul.
He was so close he knew.  He wanted to see her again.  To talk to her.  To walk with her. He knew every course strand in that rope, the fibers violin music to his fingers.  Sad this was that he felt closest to her now, when he was closest to death.  He held it to his face, embracing an old friend.  Twining the rope between his fingers, he smiled.  A true, genuine smile, for he had finally decided.  A little smile that at last matched the eternal night in his eyes.  His practiced fingers deftly tied the rope.  Tonight was the night, he knew.  Will I see her again?

“Thank you old friend.”

A cry in the night
A song, a smile, a breath
While he knew it wasn’t right
To taste such sweet bliss in death
No regrets

He’s gone
He’s gone.