All I saw were lights flashing, smoke rising, bodies racing in every direction. All I heard were people’s voices, cars honking, sirens ringing. No breathing room, no time to think, and all at once, my life flashed before my eyes. I was in New York City, the big apple as some call it. It was as real as all the movies and TV shows make it out to be; crowded, chaotic and cabs everywhere. I’m not sure why, but ever since I was a kid I just felt like I needed a trip to New York and that the city was a piece of me, a piece I wasn’t willing to let go. It all started when I was a kid when my Dad would tuck me in for bed. He would share stories of the gigantic grand skyscrapers in New York that towered over the people passing by. He shared stories of when he was younger, and how his dad worked in the very same building as he did. Then he explained how one day he was going to take me to the same building in which both him and Grandpa worked. When it was finally time to go to bed, he would silently leave while I would just lie there awake in bed; my body motionless yet my brain so full of thoughts. I couldn’t wait for the day I finally got to visit the city.
When I started elementary school I was just a clueless kid. I was still so excited to one day go to New York that I started a coin fund for it. Penny by penny I became closer and closer to my dream. I remember sharing the news with my Dad about how eager I was to see the flashing lights that brought the city to life. He laughed and smiled that familiar smile. The next morning my school had every students father come in to class to share about their career. I’ll never forget that day; Daddy had canceled because of a special last minute meeting at his work building in New York. I tried to be understanding however I couldn't help but feeling the least bit depressed. I remember listening to the other fathers in the class, and thinking how boring their jobs seemed in comparison to my dad’s.
When Middle School rolled around the corner it was interesting to say the least. Money became an issue, academics became an issue and friends and family became an issue. Things were changing and I went through a tough time of fighting what I didn’t know at the time was depression. I wasn’t sure if it was the awkward stages of puberty, or the general feeling of lonliness that drove me into a state of unhappiness. I was unsure of the source of the problem; all I knew was that I was lost; socially, mentally and emotionally, confused.
In High School everything changed. As I got older I could see I was starting to loose interest in New York, and more distance grew between my dad and I. My dad no longer worked at that building I had hoped to one-day visit, and my dreams and plans I had with my dad and I in the city felt crushed. In High School I went through a lot of doubt. Freshman year was in a lot of ways similar to Middle School, still awkward, still new. I failed most of my classes since my motivation had seemed to be lost somewhere along the way. Eventually I went through summer school like any kid who could care less about their academics. While my friends splashed in pools and soaked up the sun, I was stuck inside a classroom thinking about all the activities I could be doing. My mom had given me the usual lecture about how disappointed she was in my effort and how my sudden lack of passion towards school seemed to transfer to my attitude towards everything in life lately. She paused as if she was waiting for an explanation however I couldn’t even give her an answer. Ever since my dad stopped working at that building in New York, my dreams had been crushed into a million pieces, just like my emotions. Still I continued on, sophomore year got a little better, but I still felt empty and just as lousy as the first day I started high school. Upperclassmen always told me sophomore year was the best year, not being fresh meat, not having to take SAT’s yet, no future college concerns, just in the middle of it all. Personally I didn’t see what was so great about it, I still hated school. The only aspect that was a even remotely a little better, was the fact that my grades improved a little. Not because I cared about my academics, but because I was sick of hearing my mom give me lectures. Another year over, and it felt like nothing had changed. Junior year was as bad as they say it was, SAT’s almost every weekend, homework almost every second. My attitude and my depression still the same as day one in Middle School. Senior year finally rolled around and like all three of my High School years so far, nothing had changed and it was just as miserable. Homework and college applications seemed to consume my time, and for what purpose? What was even the point? I had nothing to look forward to; I had no dream, no aspiration in life. School seemed to be obstacle after obstacle, and for what? What was the reward? Graduating high school just so I had to go through another miserable four years of college? Everything seemed pointless, school made me miserable, life made miserable. All because my plans to one day visit my dad’s work building in New York were no longer realistic.
The summer in-between my Senior year and Freshman year of college is when I finally started to see some progress. Not academically, but personally and emotionally. I knew what I had to do; it was time to pay a visit to New York. To find closure for what had such a big impact on life growing up. I logged online and looked at booking a direct flight. As I scrolled onto the Jetblue home page, I was hesitant to press the button for purchasing the ticket. My hands shook, and my heart beated like a drum faster and faster. I had to face my fear and finally come to peace with what had affected me all these years, a dream that was once crushed when my dad no longer worked there.
Weeks, hours, days, minutes and seconds passed as I counted down to my trip. That morning of the flight, I found myself confused and overwhelmed by my emotions. I was scared, yet happy with the fact that I would finally be content. As I pulled into the airport, I swallowed hard and long. I felt shocked that I was finally doing this. I had been waiting so long, gone through so much, since I last thought about the idea of this trip. I flashed back to when I was a kid, my dad telling me his plans to take me to the same building in New York that he worked in. I had to do this trip alone, to find myself, and although that made me emotional, it was something that was necessary if I wanted to ever feel content. Security went smoothly despite the fact that I was stopped for multiple things. Going through the scanner with a metal belt, my phone still in my pocket and having too many liquids. Obviously it had been a long time since I had flown. Ever since the beginning of Elementary School, I had grown a fear of it. Finally, I walked to the terminal my mind clear, but my emotions a mess. I did my best to put them all behind me, all I could do was focus on one thing at a time, and that had to be on how to make it to New York in one piece. I sat patiently waiting, again counting down the hours, minutes, seconds, until finally they called my flight. I walked up to the line as I could hear the sound of scanning the tickets. The worker saying, “Thank you, enjoy your flight!”. Finally they got to me and took a deep breath and exhaled smoothly. I haven’t flown since before I was in Middle school, up until this point I had avoided it. But now its time to face my fear I thought to myself, it’s now or never.
As I strapped on my seatbelt I closed my eyes, and pulled, tightening the belt. I felt suffocated, but better, safer. As we started moving my stomach felt queasy, butterflies filled my stomach. I kept my eyes shut and focused on my breathing, waiting for my heartbeat to return back to its normal paste. Finally when we were airborne I slowly and carefully opened my eyes. I peeked out the window and was surprisingly amazed by the beauty surrounding me outside these aircraft walls, beautiful clouds overlapping the gaze coming from the beaming sun. I leaned back and closed my eyes again. However this time was for a different reason, not because I was afraid to open them, but because I was slowly starting to unwind and relax. My fear of flying was still very present in my life; it always would be; however I had overcome it a little.
I woke up an hour later and surprisingly we were close to there. I yawned and checked my watch. A gift from my dad I always wear. As we start to descend my mind started racing again. My dream was finally becoming a reality, going to New York, going to visit my Dad’s old office. Over the years it seemed as if the dream itself has not changed but the reason behind it.
As I stepped off the plane I immediately headed in the direction to the nearest cab. Seeing as I was in New York, that wasn’t hard to find. It took a whistle and about ten seconds before I was already climbing into the car and heading in the direction of the city. As we drove, I glanced out the window. Taking in the beauty and life of the city. We passed restaurants, stores, theatres, and buildings. The buildings made me feel like a little speck, similar to when you see how small something is in comparison to when you’re in an airplane. As I paid the taxi driver and stepped out I was amazed at how real my dream seemed, and how it was no longer a dream but a reality. I started walking down the streets taking in the beauty of the city. I continued on for many hours just wondering, enjoying being lost and free.
Finally I made my way to the one specific place I had come to see. I was at my dad’s old work building. I stopped and just took it in for a second. It had gone through massive amounts of construction since I had last seen photos of it everywhere, but it was still the same building in which my Dad had worked in. Suddenly I could feel my Dad there with me in that moment. I thought of him, all he could see were lights flashing, smoke rising, bodies racing in every direction. All he could hear were people’s voices, cars honking, sirens ringing. No breathing room, no time to think, and all at once, his life flashed before his eyes. I read the sign, “9/11 memorial, twin towers”.